I'd like to thank jesus...

this is part of a piece originally posted at rsbs... it has some crossover appeal... so enjoy!

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The following are all FACTS that our loyal interns have researched thoroughly.  If you do not regard them as FACTS then that is your problem and not ours because they've been teaching this stuff for a couple thousand years and I don't know about you, but anything that has been taught for a couple thousand years MUST be FACT...

Jesus Only Likes Certain Baseball Players
You will know which players he likes by the individual player's performance.  Jesus will help guys get homeruns but for those whom he detests (Mark Reynolds comes to mind) he will cause problems by making him strikeout with runners in scoring position.  If this is too confusing, then think of it this way: Jesus loves Josh Hamilton, hates Aramis Ramirez.  Loves Albert Pujols, hates Raul Ibanez.  Loves Stephen Strasburg, hates Kenshin Kawakami.

Jesus May Be Johnny Damon
The bloodwork still needs to be finalized -- the midichlorians counted over again -- but we're pretty sure that Johnny Damon still holds the key as the physically reformed Jesus on earth.  He helped the Red Sox win the 2004 World Series; if that isn't proof that Jesus is really the son of god and stuff then I don't know what else to say to convince you.  If you don't believe, then you probably don't believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny either... both unforgivable offenses.

The Face on this Baseball Belongs to Jesus
Don't believe me?  Well, then prove that it's NOT Jesus' face!  Yeah, hahahaha, sucker!!! I knew you couldn't do it.  Now what?  That's Jesus' face, dude.  For serious...

Jesus Loves to Surprise His Devotees
One day after softball practice, I walk to my car, open up the backseat and BAM!  Jesus bats!

Now if Jesus wasn't real, if god didn't want to show me miracles in my life, then how in the hell would these Jesus bats end up in my car all of the sudden?  Huh?!?  Well???  Exactly.  Jesus put them there... 'cuz Jesus loves me... and...

Jesus Hates the Cubs


Some things just never get old...