The ontological argument that just won't die

a few days ago i saw a friend of mine's humorous facebook status which read:

"god is love. love is blind. therefore ray charles is god."

i laughed a little, then added the last part as a comment: "and now god is dead"

everyone had a good chuckle at the blatant idiocy of this semantic equation; but shortly after, i couldn't help but be haunted by the equally cretin pressing of anselm of canterbury's thousand year old ontological argument for the existence of god and the shortcomings of rené descartes, who while providing the mathematical foundation for newton's later discoveries, was also the victim of his own fuzzy philosophy, because he actually believed in this ontological bullshit which says:

1. god is the most perfect (the greatest) being conceivable
2. it is more perfect (greater) to exist than not to exist
3. therefore, god must exist

yeah, well, the concept of god does not mean god exists, okay? my concept of the most perfect being is a naked megan fox-type who is always by my side when i want her to be, and always gone when i want her to be, who cooks for me and produces big wads of $100 bills whenever i want them. that's my fucking concept of the most perfect being but that doesn't mean she fucking exists.

the funny thing is, my perfect being concept is more likely to exist than the invisible bearded sky god concept being who hears millions of people's requests at the same time and causes natural disasters in new orleans to punish the wicked and told Lot it's okay to fuck his own daughters.

so, uh... yeah, you can take your ontological argument back to the 11th century where it rightfully belongs, along with your geocentric universe and women-as-less-than-human theory.



sometimes my buddy (his name is Pie) and i get together, get fucked up and make up words. one of us writes the new word on a flashcard and the other writes the definition on the back.

here's one:

1. a tyrant, oppressor.


don't be such a dracucore and stop oppressing those villages with your raping and pillaging, dude.

I give thee my dating disclaimer



Black void

when i was a kid, nothing mortified me more than the idea of nothingness.

of a black void.
especially at night.

it was bad. right before i'd drift off into sleep i'd come to grips with the idea that life isn't forever and eventually i'll end up a helpless soul floating in the darkness that is non-life. or worse, that there was no such thing as a soul, that once i was dead, so too was everything i associate with life.

i'd get so scared of that i'd cry myself to sleep sometimes.

to me, fear was nothingness. death. other. that which i cannot explain. that which i did not know. the concept scared me more than anything i could imagine.

and now i embrace that shit.

'cuz i fucking love surprises!


Jesus cat is just as reasonable as jesus christ, or mohammed or whatevs

so true in fact this cat was born of a virgin cat in a cave around the winter solstice and before he was born this big ass star in the sky heralded his birth and all these kings and sheperds gave him catnip and scratching posts and then he disappeared for thirty years then came back and no one asked where the fuck he'd been cuz he supposedly started walking on water and shit and then all these other cats started following him around and then the dogs found out about it and were pissed and convinced some of the cats he should be dealt with and they agreed so they killed this king of the cats on a cross then the cat came back three days later and everyone shit themselves and then he went back up into the sky to be with sky god cat and then everyone forgot about it all together until some idiot cat named saul cat changed his name to paul cat cuz sky god cat talked to him and then he told everyone about how awesome this jesus cat was and then a whole bunch of contradicting stories were written down by mark cat matthew cat luke cat and john cat and they were all very similar to the hero stories of the frogs and rats and dogs and cows
and bats and a bazillion others but no reasonable person was allowed to question the bogus nature of this jesus cat so we're just kinda waitin' around for the jesus cats and muslim cats who are a whole other story to blow each other up with cat bombs and shit

Dickey Dick Dick

i  am a bad influence on myself sometimes.

like at work i'm talking to a new client who called us up and at the end of our conversation i ask him for his full name and i start writing it down....




i collect myself and act like i am coughing.

"no, it's okay. it's happened before" he said.

no shit? ya don't say? really?!?!?!

Dick Dickes... man, Dick's parents sure hated the shit outta him.

life can be so unfair.

and i will never grow up.



Filthy cat porn

i fucking hate cats.

they make me itch, they make me sneeze, they make me suffer.

and they always look like they're plotting my death.

so i'm doing what i can to ruin their image. look! look at these dirty sinful fucking cats fucking!

ain't so cute now, are they?!? haha! take that you fucking pussies!


The scariest part

the scariest part, to me, about religion isn't that a bunch of people believe in it. and it's not that people act crazy under its influence and blow things, places and people up for it... and it's not even that their misguided ideals are forced down society's throat without regard for etiquette.


the scariest part is that really smart, really intelligent people tend to believe in that shit from time to time. because the evidence against belief is beyond clear, i've long said that i don't see how an educated person could ever be a believer. so that's why when i see barack obama or someone of that caliber talking about their religious beliefs in god (gods, whatevs) i shake my head and hope that it's all really just an act. i mean, come on. it's one thing to say what the people want to hear in order to control/govern them, but when it involves advocating the existence of unicorns, fairies and fiery dragons, I have a real problem with it.

it actually makes me angry.

and it's just not fucking acceptable that to be successful in some areas of the world you have to believe in bearded sky gods, fortune telling stars and virgin birth fantasies.

so totally unfair.

Jesus hates the cubs

this is a video my buddy and i (his name is Theo) made for my hit baseball-politico blog... ya know, the one where i can't write this crazy ass shit... you can also read it *here*

anyway, though the beat was ripped off the interwebs somewhere, the lyrics and performances are all original.

my friend (his name is James) plays jesus.

oh no. wait. i mean, no... that's the real jesus.

jesus rocks in this vid.

jesus fucking rocks!


Here's that dick I was tellin' ya about

[click *here* for his website]

I stole the delorean and snapped these pics of myself

badass, eh?


Intelligent people will disregard red flags if it means they can get laid...

...i know this cuz it happened to me with one of my ex girlfriends.

i asked her what type of books she likes to read and she answered non-fiction, that she mostly read books about serial killers. those were her favs.

for some reason all i heard her say was non-fiction and i was like 'okay, can we bone now?'

we were together for a year and by the end there was no denying that she might try to kill me.

she just had that look in her eye, and the know-how, from the books.

the moral of the story is listen before you try to sleep with some girl; but i'm a dude and i think we dudes know that sorta shit just doesn't work.

we fuck. that's what we do!

Stormtrooper sex leads to stormtrooper babies leads to stormtrooper moments like this one


Gimme my trophies

when i was a kid and wanted to disassociate with all the fucked up shit going on around me, i retreated to my backyard... or in the winter to the basement... with my bat, ball and glove.

over several years i created a very elaborate sub-reality where i grew up to become a famous baseball player. i acted out every game of every year of the 10 year career and when i finished it i started a new career in basketball -- a career that was cut short cuz i grew up and realized basketball sucks.

anyway, my baseball career went like this (hang in there; this hurts me more than you but i want to get this out there cuz i've never told anyone except my gma who is dead -- she used to umpire some of these games i made up):

  • drafted by the Yankees in the first round of 1997, fresh out of high school (14th pick overall)
  • debuted with the Yankees at third base in 1999 as a 20 year old
  • won Rookie of the Year in 1999 as well as the World Series
  • just before the 2000 season was traded to the St. Louis Cardinals
  • in 2001 was runner up in MVP voting
  • in 2003 won World Series with Cardinals
  • in 2004 was traded to the Toronto Blue Jays
  • in 2005 won AL MVP
  • in 2007 won World Series with Blue Jays
  • in 2008 resigned with St. Louis Cardinals as a free agent
  • in 2009 won NL MVP
  • being Hall of Fame eligible, retired to pursue basketball career

i was an imaginative kid.

and i know it wasn't real, but i'd still like someone to gimme my fucking trophies cuz i deserved those bitches.

paper mache is fine.

Kids don't fuck with god

i hope i get eaten by a gummi bear
that would be the tits



sometimes my buddy (his name is Pie) and i get together, get fucked up and make up words. one of us writes the new word on a flashcard and the other writes the definition on the back.

here's the most recent find:

1. a word that is often confused for a medical condition
2. a proper name that sounds like a medical condition


who names their kid Chancer? oh. Donna Ria. no wonder. the Gaul-Stohn family is full of melegonas.

The most fucked up intersection

every time i get to this intersection something strange happens. logic dies. it's a tragedy.

every time i get to this intersection someone whose beliefs defy reason gets to make big, important decisions that will affect my (and your) life.

this intersection is full of yuck.


or like prayer in schools or in god -- SKY GOD! -- we trust or whatever other bullshit is en vogue that day.

it's like everyone on church street wants to be up in everyone on state street's business.

bible-guy is always up in my grill and bible guy gets all these special privileges, like i can't question his sincere belief in fairies and unicorns because it's taboo, personal, whatever. the burden of proof is on MY SORRY ASS to DISPROVE the existence of fairies and unicorns; and even after i and an army of non-religious folk show him what we KNOW to be TRUE of the universe and that NONE of it includes crazy folklore of two, three thousand years ago, that there are no fairies and unicorns, my/our work is still dismissed as the devil's work... the devil?


ya don't even have to be at this fucked up intersection to begin to taste this sort of idiocy... ya just have to be on or near church street. and believe me, church streets are all around us.

i willingly go there once or twice a year, to make my mom happy, but i've decided that i'm not even doing that anymore.

time to make myself happy. sorry mom... okay, i'm not really sorry.

and for the record, state street is pretty fucked up too; but that's a different subject for a different time. ya see, i grew up on state street. i know it well.

3321. quincy, il.

nice bungalow.


Dope ass shit

when i was living in china and was working at vertex in beijing (2001 or 2002 or something; it's all a vodka haze now) i had a lot of free time on my hands. i'd sit in the production office and create "art" on the paint program in windows. i totally forgot about them. then recently, my dad sent me a disc that had a bunch of old files on it, including those digital masterpieces.

so now...

i present to you...

some dope ass shit:

yep. i thought those were pretty cool too.
my fave is the frumpy naked chick with no feet and no hands oddly shaped tits and no face cuz nothing is more sad than a frumpy naked chick with no feet and no hands oddly shaped tits and no face.
thanks dad!

If I could just get every idiot sky god zealot to read this book...

...the world would be such a better place...
...and i wouldn't have so many headaches...
...or haters...
you can buy it HERE


MindyDangerstyle says this "is the funniest thing I have ever seen."

my friend (his name is Theo) put it together and i have a bit part in it. goes best with a nice 18 year...

Random cougar sex fail

on tuesday i went to my urologist in the gold coast to have a cystoscopy done. if you don't know what that is it's when the doc takes one of those medieval torture devices and rams it up your dick through your pee-hole... (sorry, don't know how else to explain it) ... and let me tell ya, it's the weirdest fucking thing i've ever felt (while not drunk).

anyway, i walk out feeling like i have razor blades jammed up in there, each one scratchin' and scrapin' more than the next and i just barely limp to the bus stop outside the doctor's office.

then outta nowhere, as if to pounce like the rich doctor's wife she probably is, this cougar comes up to me and starts chattin' me up. givin' me the "eyes", the winks, the lip-licking... full court press. (i've seen this tactic used before at bars but this was a fucking bus stop and it was 3 in the afternoon so i was caught a bit off my game.)

on any other day -- and i do mean ON ANY OTHER FUCKING DAY IN THE HISTORY OF TIME, MY LIFE, YADDA YADDA -- i'd totally dip off into one of those fancy brownstones where she probably lives and live a little myself, walk away from it feelin' good and that'd be the end of it.

but on this day i feel like i've got A BAZILLION GINSUS PLAYING CHOPSTICKS ON MY SHAFT and the slightest hint of feeling down there just made it worse so...

i had to bail.

i know. i'm sad too.

do i regret it?

no. i regret having razor blades jammed up my dick. that's what i regret.

that and not asking the cougar if she had a daughter.


Lunje Ho-qui


step 1
first three letters of your last name plus first two letters of your last name =
your jedi first name

step 2
first two letters of your mother's maiden name plus the first three letters of the town where you were born =
your jedi last name

step 3
write that shit down

Two angels come to see Lot in Sodom... Lot lets Sodomites gang rape his daughters... then he fucks his own daughers later...

so there's this book in the bible called genesis and it tells some crazy ass stories and one of the most fucked up tales is about this fella (his name is Lot), he's a righteous dude who god -- the SKY GOD! -- likes.

one day god sends these angels down to Lot's crib (this is all found in Genesis 18 & 19 by the way, i'm not fucking kidding, this is all in there) and they're there to sniff out whether or not there is any good left in Sodom.  anyway, while they're gettin' settled in, all the people of the town come to Lot's crib and knock on the door. here's where we'll pick up the story:

"Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us, that we may know them."
"know them" meaning the euphemistic "fuck them" as the bible is famously known for. Lot wasn't about to piss off god -- yes the SKY GOD! -- so he came up with a plan:

"Lot went out of the door to the men, shut the door after him, 7 and said, 'I beg you, my brothers, do not act so wickedly. 8 Behold, I have two daughters who have not known man; let me bring them out to you, and do to them as you please; only do nothing to these men, for they have come under the shelter of my roof.'"

in other words, Lot's sayin': sorry dirty ass, sodomites... i won't let you ass-fuck these kind men (angels, they are often translated as angels... duh the angels that god sent down to inspect the world, cuz an omnipotent god surely needs some other entitity to do the work he should be able to do effortlessly????) ... no, i won't let you have your way with these angels, but feel free to go ahead and fuck the shit out of my virgin daughters. hell, gang rape them both all day and all night long if ya want. whatevs. just as long as you don't piss off god.


but this is just when it starts to get good. see, after all that... god blows up Sodom (and gommorah) and Lot is forced to go up in the hills outside of Zo'ar. he hides in a cave with his daughters. the daughters, who, come on, let's face it: are probably not thinkin' straight after getting GANG RAPED by the whole town... the daughters decide they need to help their FATHER -- yes their OWN FATHER -- relax... by getting him drunk:

"'Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve offspring through our father.' 33 So they made their father drink wine that night; and the first-born went in, and lay with her father; he did not know when she lay down or when she arose. 34 And on the next day, the first-born said to the younger, "Behold, I lay last night with my father; let us make him drink wine tonight also; then you go in and lie with him, that we may preserve offspring through our father." 35 So they made their father drink wine that night also; and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he did not know when she lay down or when she arose. 36 Thus both the daughters of Lot were with child by their father."

yep. pretty sure you read that right.

we go from dissuading the mob from anally raping boy-angels by offering them the opportunity to gang rape an old dude's virgin daughters, to him actually getting wasted and then fucking his own daughters later...

to end up with some incest baby.

dude, the bible is so full of shit.


Bonerjamz epiphany

on monday nights my friends and i play pub trivia in the south loop.

we are team bonerjamz.

we are awesome.

and tonight they had some lady there selling raffle tickets to support and fund research for sick kids with cancer.

i bought a ticket.

another buddy of mine (his name is Theo) bought two tickets.

and then a third guy (let's call him Jerod cuz that's his name) said something i'll never forget cuz it's something we rarely think of but perhaps ought to:

"what if the kid my money saves grows up to murder me?"


Me caught in the shower... with my catcher's mitt

i would explain...
you'd never believe me...
forget you saw this.

Fuck Burger King!

yeah! fuck you, have-it-your-way diminulin bitches! yeah!


Texts from an ex

SHE:  How r things? I feel lk we haven't talked in a while. Lol

ME:  Things are good. And you? It feels like that cuz it's true. It's been two months plus we haven't talked.

SHE:  Well not really. If you take into accoutn my drunk dials haha. Things r nuts here. Huge snowstorm ruined my life a few days ago

ME:  You forgot my birthday.

SHE:  I actually didn't.

SHE:  Its hard to explain, you know?

SHE  What did you do? Get wasted? Haha. This year for mine I'm attempting sobriety.

SHE:  You r welcome to come if you want. I'm thking of doing a bicostal thing here and in LA

- - -
look, bitch, you forgot my birthday and that fucking hurts but then you act like it's no big deal and that fucking hurts even more then you go on and on about what YOU'RE gonna do for YOUR fucking birthday like I should give a shit, drop everything and just pay attention to you cuz that's what you expect from me well you can forget that shit and go fuck off...

... I'm sorry but I'm busy being a grown up and I don't have time to be played with like a rag doll that hasn't any feelings.



oh, and yeah, nice Valentine's Day olive branch.



 okay, can this day be over now?

See, there was this guy named Horus...

...he was born in a cave in egypt, from a virgin, right around the winter solstice... like december 21st or something.

his birth was heralded by a big ass star in the sky.

all these shepherds were there to watch and give him stuff. and kings came too.

anyway, he grew up and got these people to follow him and he baptized people and then he was murdered by the powers that be.


sometimes i have to scream so people will hear me.


sometimes my buddy (his name is Pie) and i get together, get fucked up and make up words.  one of us writes the new word on a flashcard and the other writes the definition on the back.

i was cleaning out my desk and found this one:

1.  one who is not the boss of me


all you motherfuckers on this bus are diminulins and i'll drive this thing wherever the fuck i want

My crush

oh lord.

this is like ripping my heart out too... being fucking valentine's day and all.

oh well.

without pain how the hell ya gonna know what it feels like to feel good?




Open wide

this is not what i expected to find when i googled "black hippo".

i can't stop lookin' at it.

i find myself disgusting.


Sepultura -- Territory

the first time i saw this i was a freshman in high school (1993).  it was super late, all the lights were off and i couldn't sleep.  so i started flippin' through the channels when i came upon MTV and the show Headbanger's Ball.  this video came on and i nearly shit myself i was so scared.

the next day i went to the mall and bought their cd, Chaos A.D.

it has been a favorite of mine ever since.

Max Cavalera... jesus, dude... how does your voice do that?

Bring back Black Moses


i don't know what happened to the idea of black moses, but i know one thing: there just ain't enough of it.

there should be more.

so i am doing my part.

shit.  that's black jesus, not black moses.

i suck at this shit.