Do i really wish there were 72 virigins?

i had a dream about these two the other night.

then, somehow i started thinking about what it'd be like with 3... then with 4... then... nah, couldn't go past that. it was too much work.

so i can only imagine 72 would be some real fucking work.

of course, it'd be work that people who are willing to blow up themselves, and buildings, and children, and anything that gets in their fucking way of infinite regression and everlasting make-believe would fucking do.

my mom says i say "fuck" too much.

fuck that.

so yeah, i wonder if those guys ever stop and think about the fact that after he fucks them they won't be virgins anymore... or that they won't even be young forever... that eventually those 72 virgins will turn into 72 incontinent nagging bitches.

fuck that.

seriously.

fuck that.

Jesus and bush

ah, shucks... i sorta miss the little guy...

(click image to enlarge)

Having dinner with a christian

unfortunately, i am related to many a bible-thumpin' christ-lover. and while for the most part they are good folks at heart, in the end their lives are entirely based on make-believe, which sorta leaves me cautious... of everything.

but the other day i went out to dinner with one of these jesus-lovin' relatives of mine and it was quite a pleasant experience. we shot the shit about baseball (christians like it too, i guess), music, hell, we got to talkin' about such secular stuff that had i not known already, i would've thought he was just like me.

and then he brought it up. jesus.

and how my journey with him is going.

fuck...

that...

SHIT.

why can't i let go of my astute atheism? for the same reasons they can't let go of trying to make everyone JUST... LIKE... THEM... despite the fact that they're so fucking wrong about so many things on so many levels that it's just a fucking....

train wreck.

Impressive

The hot and heavy sex-romp bible

the hot and heavy sex-romp bible is the same bible you'll find in church pews all over u.s. america and elsewhere. christian folks like to pick and choose which parts of the bible they use/teach/preach, but i think that's just another example of what a sham it all really is.

ezekiel liked to talk shit about whores, even use them as drawn-out metaphors that didn't work too well... to which i say, "hey, ezekiel, lay the fuck off, dude! whores are people too!"

EZEKIEL 23, VERSE 19-21 (which describes oholiba the whore as a metaphor for israel)

"Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. ²⁰ There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. ²¹ So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled."

donkey dicks and horse cum.

nice work, bible.

nice work.

I know, another bt groove, but trust me, this one is worth it

Let us remember
Life's such a beautiful mistake
It's precious and fragile
Sometimes more than we can take

It's stronger than fire
Greater than all things men create
And I don't know what you want from me
But I don't want to be perfect anymore
- - -
BT

LISTEN UP RELIGIOUS FOLKS... TAKE HEED OF THE ABOVE... IT'S JUST A FUCKING BEAUTIFUL MISTAKE.

GET OVER IT.

ENJOY IT.

I got a new drug...

...it's called: STRETCHING.

it...

is...

awesome.

i've been doing it outside, in the sun, just concentrating on breathing. it feels great. try it!

:-)

Sit back, relax and let this song work you

Armin van Buuren...?

Remixing BT...?

Uh, let me stop what I'm doing and groooooooooooooooooooooove!!!

Poor, poor zeus

sometimes i get to thinkin'... thinkin' about zeus.

feelin' sorry for him.

sorry he's been forgotten.

sorry zeus.

so

so

so-

rry

Remember when porn was a chore?

back in the day, before the internets and world wide web surfing, getting your hands on porn took some actual work.

ya couldn't just fire up the computer and search through bazillions of vids, pics, stories. nope. you had to prepare in advance. and it could be THRILLING at times...

whether it meant snagging your dad's playboys while he was out mowing the yard or watching that vhs tape you 'borrowed' from your uncle's stash without him knowing, making sure everyone was asleep and the sound was turned down... there was a time when porn gazing was a real roller coaster ride.

nowadays, it's like what i assume being married is like: always right there. i can have it whenever i want. but i see something shiny on the other side of the room and suddenly i've lost interest.

of course, alexis love could get me to change my mind about that. ya hear me, alexis?

i'll be waiting...

What if...

what if i wrote subtle yet jabbing comments on facebook about one's need to right him/herself and join the powers of the magical force and the ways of zeligtonian thought -- to eschew the evils of christendom, to swat down the lies of islam, to destroy the misinformation of the talmud?

what if?

people would get really fucking pissed off. that's exactly what would happen.

so why is it okay for one of my jesus-loving christ-consumed religious zealot family members to write this in her status update for all to see:

"dear heavenly father, please, please, please help him see that you are real. show him your miracles. touch his life. please dear lord, save his soul."

ya see, that's a real NOT SO SUBTLE way to call me out and make ME look stupid... in theory... except for the little fact that THERE IS NO FUCKING SKY DADDY and you are the one who looks like the fool... because you are.

the above request is petty, it is selfish (all about what YOU want without considering what I want for MYSELF) and most of all, it would require me to subscribe to the philosophy of infinite regress, which, ironically, is infinitely fucking stupid.

ya ain't gonna win me over like that.

next time i'm gonna start posting FSMs on your wall. and i won't stop until you shut the fuck up about jesus.

Help! someone stole my... dog?

(via 9GAG)

Help! someone stole my future unborn son!!!

(via ihmp)

Help! someone stole my future unborn daughter!!!

(via ihmp)

Just a baby-religio-fallacy metaphor

these babies are... babies. they have little control over... well, anything.

they were put in those buckets. they did not put themselves in those buckets.

yet the buckets they are in (determined by someone else) will dictate how they live the rest of their lives. and that fucking sucks.

'cuz one of those buckets is christianity, one is hinduism, one is islam, one buddhism, one judaism...

all slaves.

(image via the friendly atheist)

The following is fucking real, dude

(click pic to enlarge)

Static-x - - dead world

static-x is a weird band to me. sometimes i love what they produce. sometimes i think they're crack monkies from outer space.

this is one of those that i totally dig.

the riff is hard and rhythmic. the chorus harmony is wickedly haunting. the extra electro shit coming out of nowhere reminds me of the first time i ever did coke, back when i used to do dumb shit like that.

lookout!

couldn't find this on youtube or anywhere (in english) for that matter... so i feel like a badass embedding some russian (i assume it's russian???) vid code.

muthafucka!

Make a kite with jesus!

(via smbc)

Not really a joke

in 1999 i made my first visit to taiwan. after landing in taipei, while walking through the terminal on my way to customs, i noticed a huge sign above me in engrish that said something like:

foreigner with drugs will be murder

this was before the days of digital cameras, before smart phones, so you'll just have to trust me on this.

the irony of it all is that i have never been more stoned for a longer period of time of consecutive days as i was in taipei during that trip. the memories that i have all fade to green...

and i got out without being murder.

fuck yeah!

(image via engrish funny)

Soccer and grass

sure i played soccer as a kid. didn't we all?

but it sucked.

and we all knew it.

---

HINT: if you're high, soccer can be pretty fucking cool, then again... most things can be pretty fucking cool if you're high, and if you already knew that then this ain't really news to you then now is it.

Miracles my ass

humans can be real fucking stupid sometimes. such stupidity is well represented by the insane clown posse in their song 'miracles'. if you listen to this song, you will realize that everything they are talking about can be explained fairly easily, that these events are not 'miracles'.

• the pyramids
• rainbows
• mars
• water, fire, air or dirt
• solar eclipses

of course, the above is just a sampling of what ICP dubs a 'miracle', but you can clearly see that they are fucking retarded.

yet the really scary issue is this: most people think exactly like they do.

if we don't understand it, we assume something greater than us is responsible. well that's just lazy ass bullshit. come on, people. stop being a slave to dogmatic make-believe!!! WAKE THE FUCK UP!

(thanks to jerod for the vid link from way back when)

Look at this fucking hipster...

besides bein' an awesome website, the title to this post also doubles as a common exclamation one might hear from me at a hipster party.

ya see, i was invited to one of these things a couple weeks ago. i did not fit in:

i did not have on skinny jeans.

i did not smell bad.

i did not have greasy hair and a whack-ass goatee.

i did not drink pbr.

and i did not have a funny hat.

the above are all mandatory attributes of the hipster crowd, which, i don't have to tell you is ironically fucking retarded because hipsters are supposedly all about being 'different'.

uh...

yah.

Oh shit the rapture is fucking coming guys!!!

that fucktard scott butcher was right! maybe?!? i think!!! i don't know!?!??!

what else could explain this HEAVENLY WRATH BY THE HAND OF GOD!?!?!

this is jesus.

this is jesus on fucking fire.

thanks, annette for the link!

I'd like to thank jesus...

this is part of a piece originally posted at rsbs... it has some crossover appeal... so enjoy!

- - -

The following are all FACTS that our loyal interns have researched thoroughly.  If you do not regard them as FACTS then that is your problem and not ours because they've been teaching this stuff for a couple thousand years and I don't know about you, but anything that has been taught for a couple thousand years MUST be FACT...

Jesus Only Likes Certain Baseball Players
You will know which players he likes by the individual player's performance.  Jesus will help guys get homeruns but for those whom he detests (Mark Reynolds comes to mind) he will cause problems by making him strikeout with runners in scoring position.  If this is too confusing, then think of it this way: Jesus loves Josh Hamilton, hates Aramis Ramirez.  Loves Albert Pujols, hates Raul Ibanez.  Loves Stephen Strasburg, hates Kenshin Kawakami.

Jesus May Be Johnny Damon
The bloodwork still needs to be finalized -- the midichlorians counted over again -- but we're pretty sure that Johnny Damon still holds the key as the physically reformed Jesus on earth.  He helped the Red Sox win the 2004 World Series; if that isn't proof that Jesus is really the son of god and stuff then I don't know what else to say to convince you.  If you don't believe, then you probably don't believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny either... both unforgivable offenses.

The Face on this Baseball Belongs to Jesus
Don't believe me?  Well, then prove that it's NOT Jesus' face!  Yeah, hahahaha, sucker!!! I knew you couldn't do it.  Now what?  That's Jesus' face, dude.  For serious...

Jesus Loves to Surprise His Devotees
One day after softball practice, I walk to my car, open up the backseat and BAM!  Jesus bats!

Now if Jesus wasn't real, if god didn't want to show me miracles in my life, then how in the hell would these Jesus bats end up in my car all of the sudden?  Huh?!?  Well???  Exactly.  Jesus put them there... 'cuz Jesus loves me... and...

Jesus Hates the Cubs


Some things just never get old...

Depression is...

depression is going back to the excitement you had when you first saw this:

thinking about the endless possibilities of complete AWESOMENESS...

then being left there by yourself after having seen the phantom menace...

wondering...

WHAT THE FUCK KINDA CRAP SHIT FUCK WAS THAT?!?!

WARNING: This is some real scary ass shit

long been a fan of the good stuff at current tv. while this piece is eye opening good, it still gives me the fucking creeps.

Offending cowboy jesus

i spent some time in texas recently.

my sisters took me to a two-steppin' bar. i fucking loved it.

well, most of it.

the ladies were fly, the drinks cheap, the dancing endlessly fun... but the cowboys... the cowboys didn't like me hatin' on jesus.

"everybody here is white." i said to a big, fat cowboy who was friends with one of my sisters.

"that's the way it should be." he replied.

"really? that stuff still goes on down here? jesus christ."

"HEY, PUNK. DON'T FUCKING TAKE THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN."

"uh.... you serious?"

he stood up. towering over me. he took off his cowboy hat.

"with GOD as my witness."

texas: capital of the FUCKING RIDICULOUS

China and their scary ass chemicals andecdote

i was in a chinese hotel. it was summer. it was hot.

sleeping became a chore... mostly because of the mosquitoes. they'd buzz in my ear all night long and if i was lucky enough to finally fall asleep i'd wake up to the horror of having been a blood buffet the night before... so i complained to the staff.

and they gave me a small 'mosquito killer'.

it looked like a hockey puck with a wick on the end of it. some sort of insect repellent incense. you lit it at night and the mosquitoes would leave you alone.

it worked. no mosquitoes the first night. but i did have an awful nightmare... i was murdered and chopped up into pieces before i woke up.

it worked the second night too, but again, i had the most TERRIFYING nightmares. an axe to the face, being chased by werewolves, watching my best friend die.

and it worked again.... no mosquitoes... but the WORST dreams EVER.

after three nights i thought there might be some correlation. so i didn't light the mosquito killer on the fourth night. i was eaten alive by mosquitoes... but no nightmares.

and yep, you guessed it: on night five i lit the mutherfucker and... no mosquitoes... but i was forced to watch my entire family be raped by an army of rush limbaughs before they had their skin peeled off by a machete.

i'm not kidding. there was some fucked up chemical in that shit that made me go crazy.

the moral of the story: bring your own OFF!

(image courtesy of engrish funny)

To keep my word, or to not keep my word, that is the fucking problem

uh oh. never thought this would come back to haunt me. but it is. and i just hafta share... 'cuz i'm a callous bastard sometimes.

so, in high school, i dated this really cute girl for a while. she was blonde, petite, played tennis, had a killer rack and an even more devastating ass. this makes me sound like a pig. i know.

well, fuck. i'm a dude, what else do you expect? i don't pull punches. this is how it fucking is. why run away from it?

anyway, so this girl and i... one day we're in the park making out and stuff and we see this great big fat couple. i mean huge -- gigantically and morbidly obese... like french fries and krispy kremes were falling out of their extra folds of skin, that's how big they were.

and being the immature kids we were, we snickered. we were rude. we were assholes.

she turns to me and says, "if i ever look like that, please, just kill me."

"okay." i replied laughing.

"no. seriously. if i ever look like that, you have to kill me. i couldn't take it. promise?"

"uh...sure. i promise."

okay, now fast-forward 15 years and realize we'd lost touch for about 12 of those years. i wake up one day to find a facebook friend request from some jabba the hutt impostor with her name.

uh oh.

i clicked through her pictures and lo and behold: that once petite and gorgeous head-turner has turned into a perfect candidate for gastric bybass surgery.

so... does this mean i have to kill her now?

fuck.

Wanna guess what my favorite candy is?

More black jesus please

sometimes when i enter the 'tags' or 'labels' for a post via blogger, some subliminal forces seem to be at work. for example, when i want to tag "jesus", blogger assumes i mean "black jesus"... sometimes i do, but not often enough.

which got me to thinking: WHY NOT MORE BLACK JESUS!?!?!

the white judeo-christian version of jesus is as fucking dumb as it gets: a meek, hipster, birkenstock-wearin', straight edge new ager with pasty white skin is the jesus of choice? jesus was a jew! from israel! he wasn't white goddamnit!

if i have to have jesus slammed down my throat, i'd rather have black jesus slammed down my throat. wait. uh... that didn't quite sound the way i intended it to. moving on...

black jesus, if nothing else, adds some style and some fun back into a dying franchise... so if jesus creeps into YOUR next conversation, make sure you reference the black jesus -- ONLY -- and that you make a very strong case for the existence of black jesus...

...just for fun.

:-)

The good new is: for every b-shoc there is a rationalist rapper

(link via the friendly atheist)

Blue sox

one reason why i don't trade in my CTA card for a car of my own is: money. it's expensive shit. but another reason is: the comedy. people who ride the buses and trains like i do tend to be full of character... like the old chinese man in my neighborhood who wears the craziest outfits -- suits from decades ago, all wool, newsy caps, etc.

keep in mind, this old chinese man has no teeth and he hollers out loud to himself in cantonese like he has turrets or something. fucking hilarious. people have a hard time restraining their laughter.

anyway, i knew no one would believe me that the man got on the bus the other day in a bright BLUE wool suit with matching socks and tie. so i fucking took a picture all sly-like with my stealthiness:

only in real life.

:-)

A muslim, a christian and a jew walk into a bar...

i find few things funnier than muslims, jews and christians working together, on anything. 'cuz no matter how much cooperation there may be between the sides (i think it's safe to say there's less cooperation than there is hostility), in the end, they can't all be right.

so someone's gotta be wrong. yes?

HINT: they're ALL fucking wrong.

if you haven't ever seen the big debate episode where richard dawkins tangos with muslims, jews AND christians all at the same time, then you should check it out, starting with part one. i've posted a clip from that episode before... y'know, the one where dick calls out the muslims on that tiny inconvenient truth that the penalty for apostasy in islam is TO BE FUCKING MURDERED.

if you enjoyed that, you'll enjoy the whole show.

I'm getting fat

well, shit.

when i quit smoking i acquired a monstrous appetite.

i started jogging but i'm too lazy (and cheap) to join a gym and actually tone up.

did i mention that i drink a lot of beer?

so yeah. now i'm gettin' a beer gut. and my face is chubbin' up. and i complain about it a lot.

i don't really like things the way they are, but i'm also not motivated enough to make any drastic changes, because i feel like nothing will work anyway.

then again, how will i know if i never try? and since when did i become a fucking lame-ball defeatist!?!?!

there, i think i just figured out my solution in 9 sentences!!!!

grazie!

Icky

i swear all the elders in the church where i grew up look exactly like the foursome above. if anything, jesus & co. could use an image makeover... oh, wait... they did. nowadays they mask themselves as arena-filling rock evangelists.

equally sickening in my humble (and correct) opinion.

(image via skull swap)

Smoking, religion & how we're all gonna fucking die

this picture is from the author bio page of this new book by chen yuzhuang on song through jin dynasty celadon kilns. not that you give a fuck about that sorta thing, but the fact that mr. chen wanted to use THIS picture -- of all the fucking pictures of him that exist -- makes me laugh... and not in a good way.

'cuz it proves just how far off china is from being "like us".

i started smoking while living in china. to fit in. because manly men smoke cigs. that's what they do. if you don't smoke, you don't get in the club, you don't get the girl, you don't the next round of drinks. i recently quit smoking (6 months and counting), but it took me 12+ years of 20-30 squares a day and the inability to climb up one flight of stairs without losing my breath to finally break the fucking habit. and i'm 31 years old.

quitting smoking was the hardest thing i've ever done.

and even though we know how dangerous, how unhealthy, how murderous these cigarettes really are, logic still hasn't gotten through to many parts of the world, specifically china. shit, it's only gotten through to us during the last 15-20 years or so.

so if takes that long for human beings to wake up and smell the fucking carcinogens choking us, then imagine just how long it will take before all humans realize just how retarded the idea of religion really is.

how it's wasteful, how it's harmful, how it's totally unfounded, unnecessary, unhelpful.

i don't even wanna think about it.

but, we can't give up. if we give up, we never have a shot at winning. and all we need is a fucking shot.

Uh...dude, no

this cannot happen.

i am just going to pretend i didn't see that.

at all.

:-)

(image via 9gag)

Yet ANOTHER max cavalera hit

hot damn max cavalera just keeps spittin' em out!

last week soulfly released their latest album (entitled omen) and lemme tell ya: it fucking rocks.

now i know that when it comes to groove metal, ya either dig it or ya don't. if ya dig it, you will love that this album features LOTS of melody to go along with the horrifyingly raucous vocals and stacatto guitar riffs we've all come to expect from max and co.

This song in particular really kicks ass (the keyboards are what do it for me).

so getcho ass up and JAM THE FUCK OUT!

:-)

Izem unnergan ya!

i saw this quite a while ago on one of those brainy nerd sites... then i got on with my life and did other stuff... forgot about it.

but then i ran across it again recently on the interwebs, and hot damn if this isn't an awesome little nug of creativity!

it's brilliant.

in case you don't read the vid liner notes, the lyrics to this song were written by an italian in a completely made-up gibberish language designed to sound like english.

in other words, this is what english sounds like to an italian.

i talk in gibberish all the time. gibberish german. gibberish french. gibberish japanese. i can fool many non-speakers into thinking i actually know the language. in fact, during my partying days, i convinced one of my two-week-fling gals into believing i spoke seven languages fluently!

for the record: i only speak two fluently, then i can get by in another.

The combined powers of these two evils is staggering

to reiterate, for anyone unawares, the two things in the entire known universe that bring me more disgust and despair than anything else are: cats and religion.

they both undermine the potential of the human species.

they both cause pain and suffering.

they both make me go on unfiltered rants of rage... so you can imagine my horror as i contemplate the possibilities depicted in this image:

redrum, redrum, redrum!

Coming out of the closet, pt. 3

the movement is picking up steam... people aren't afraid to admit their atheism anymore... little by little our voices are being heard.

but they need to be LOUDER.

because the jesus freaks (and other religious nutbags) have had thousands of years of experience ahead of us and we need to do some catching up. to help your friends come out of the closet on atheism, i recommend the quotable atheist, which not only provides a cool database of popular atheist quotes from standout individuals in history/society, but it also encourages one to stand his/her ground on his/her non-belief.

today's featured atheist is ricky gervais. co-creator of the original office and story-teller extraordinaire (this dude's stand-up once made me nearly piss myself, no joke):

"Well, the talkin' snake was his first mistake..."

A-fucking-men

at the expense of sounding like an asshole, i admit, i much prefer a nice ass to a nice rack, but i ain't complainin' about a nice rack either.

just sayin'.

Coming out of the closet, pt. 2

the movement is picking up steam... people aren't afraid to admit their atheism anymore... little by little our voices are being heard.

but they need to be LOUDER.

because the jesus freaks (and other religious nutbags) have had thousands of years of experience ahead of us and we need to do some catching up. to help your friends come out of the closet on atheism, i recommend the quotable atheist, which not only provides a cool database of popular atheist quotes from standout individuals in history/society, but it also encourages one to stand his/her ground on his/her non-belief.

today's featured atheist is the late arthur miller. as a playwright, miller forced us to stare down reality, to deal with it, to triumph. in this clip (part of a series called "the atheism tapes", which i highly recommend for all) he speaks the truth on our communal regress:

scary shit.

How to not eat grandma

for the longest time i thought i wanted to be cremated. i thought it'd be simpler.

but nowadays i feel that'd be a waste.

if i want to really contribute to society, to science, to progression, then i think i should donate my body to science.

except they make it really fucking hard to donate your body to science.

so if any of you out there find me dead some day, call this guy named manuel mentiras (if you snoop around my apartment you'll find his info) and he'll take care of the rest.

grazie!

;-)

Coming out of the closet, pt. 1

the movement is picking up steam... people aren't afraid to admit their atheism anymore... little by little our voices are being heard.

but they need to be LOUDER.

because the jesus freaks (and other religious nutbags) have had thousands of years of experience ahead of us and we need to do some catching up. to help your friends come out of the closet on atheism, i recommend the quotable atheist, which not only provides a cool database of popular atheist quotes from standout individuals in history/society, but it also encourages one to stand his/her ground on his/her non-belief.

today's featured atheist is seth macfarlane. the man is a comedy genius with wit as sharp as o.j.'s knife.

:-)

My nephew says FUCK THE WORLD

...i haven't even met him yet but we speakz the same language...
...so it seems...
:-)