15 1/2 years he's been gone and i'm still sick about it...

I MISS YOU CARL SAGAN!!!

The eye plays tricks

i'm not ashamed to admit it took me about 20 whole seconds to understand what i was actually seeing here.

(image via the chive)

Strippity doo da

it's been a little over a year since i've been to a strip club. it was vegas, i was part of a roving bachelor party that experienced very little sleep and an enormously high volume of alcohol, and i barely remember any of it.

but i do remember thinking: glad i don't do this often.

i like the idea of a strip club... i really do. but in reality, strip clubs are best left to the rich and the young. i can think of a billion other things i'd rather drop $50 on, and a clothed dry hump from some chick who smells like cotton candy and cheap vodka ain't one of 'em.

when you're young, it's a thrill, to see all those hot naked chicks walking around like it's no big deal. when you grow up, it's just not that impressive, especially if you have cable. 

if i were rich, blowing money on dry humps wouldn't be that big of a deal. but i ain't, so it is.

*best strip club memory*: my dad took me to a strip club for my 27th birthday, down in houston. we went to the bank beforehand and exchanged two one-hundred dollar bills for 200 one-dollar bills. the female teller made the transaction while givin' us the stink eye, like she was judging us for what we were about to do (pretty obvious, right?) and my dad just started busting up laughing. he thought it was the funniest thing in the world. he couldn't control himself. it was awesome.

and oh yeah, he bought me a dry hump from a hot thang named SPICE that night. that's what dads are for yo!!!

(image via skull swap)

Man of faith = man of stupid

i'm a baseball fan, and during a game i was watching the other day, a rather famous player who was recently diagnosed with cancer was the topic of conversation between the broadcasters.

while the situation sucks -- i mean, come on, the dude has cancer -- i couldn't help but seethe when the broadcasters kept repeating "he is a man of tremendous faith" and "his faith will see him through" and "his undying faith is at the core of what makes him a great man"...

uh, sorry delusionoid enablers. i must've missed the memo on how believing in bronze age fairy tales and invisible sky daddies makes a man "great".

i feel sorry for the guy. i looked up to him as a kid myself. he was a hero of sorts.

but then i grew up, adhered to logic and learned a lot about the world... one of those things i learned is that a "man of faith" just means "idiot". sorry, but that's the fucking truth. it's hard for me to take anyone seriously in any discourse when they stand behind unprovable, hate-mongering make believe.

but i hope dude gets better, even if he isn't too bright.

Go to hell?

"To work hard, to live hard, to die hard, and then to go to hell after all would be too damned hard."
-- Carl Sandburg

it would also be too damned stupid.

think of those people who live on the other side of the world, who live in the amazonian forests, the australian outback -- those unexposed to the inane (and insane) traditions of the church. they deserve to rot in hell too? because of fucking geography?

it cracks me up that so many people are "concerned" about my soul, my eternal life.

well, fuck, as far as i know, there is no such thing as a "soul" (PROVE IT!), no such thing as eternal life (FUCKING PROVE THAT SHIT!) and after all, it seems those people are only concerned so they can make themselves feel better... about themselves.

religion is a selfish, suffocating, intelligence-zapping disease.

i want nothing to do with it.

Lemee git one of dem booby dolls

don't ask how, but somehow i ended up at the liar's club recently (it's a biker bar, with a lot of KISS memorabilia plastered on the walls by some questionably organic sticky goo) and prominently displayed was the above sign.

$20 for a booby doll seems about right... yes?

yes.

Good grief, my countrymen embarrass me AGAIN!

what the fuck is wrong with you, america!?!? now we're banning holding hands in school? fucking HOLDING HANDS!?!?

get a grip!

there is nothing wrong with holding hands, whether it be between friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, boyfriend/boyfriend, girlfriend/girlfriend and every-fucking-thing in between.  the only thing that is wrong is your consistent leaning towards an ignorant, evangelical, zombie mind control worldview!

get a fucking grip!

Never fucking give up

i was speaking with a good friend of mine recently and we came to a pretty important consensus when it comes to chasing dreams.

he's an actor in hollyweird... tryin' to "make it" in his craft, attempting to, at the very least, support himself doing the one thing in life he loves over anything else.

as a writer aspiring to write for a living, i totally understand. in fact, his quest is equivalent to mine, equivalent to those of my myriad musician friends. we're all pursuing our passions, despite what the odds (and often our contemporaries) say.

a simple stroll through your neighborhood bookstore will reveal thousands of bad, bad, BAD writers making a living doing what they love to do. likewise, there are tons of bad actors getting work (including 100% of those who perform on the WB network) and lots of bad musicians are out there reveling in success.

if we give up, we will never join their ranks, never outshine their inadequacies.

so, never fucking give up.

it's that simple.

More misdirection and question marks

so i'm actually being social recently and i meet this beautiful gal who really strikes my fancy... we get to talking... we have a bunch in common... we engage in lots of eye contact... stupid smiles... all giddy up in yer giggy... there's somethin' goin' on here...

so...

before we have to go our separate ways i ask her for her number -- which she eagerly provides!!!

couple days later i call her up and ask her out and guess what!

she has a fucking boyfriend.

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK.

this is why men lose their shit, ladies. you play too many fucking games.

if you're not on the block, not interested, don't act like you are. please. you end up wasting a lot of my time.

*there is an OUTSIDE chance that i'm just fucking clueless when it comes to reading signs, but in this particular case, i don't think i was off the mark.

just sayin'.

Lost in the whirlwind

sometimes, when i'm driving the freeways late at night, in and out of the CHI, i get the urge to blast me some tupac shakur classics.

when he was killed, i was more angry at the amount of great music i'd be cheated out of rather than the stupid crime itself... but time has brought my feelings back to center.

the following was always one of my favorite tupac songs. keep in mind that "girlfriend" here is just a metaphor for "gun". some people never got that bit of necessary information.

the song is violent in nature (no big surprise considering the source) but the musical/lyrical juxtaposition softens the edge a bit, providing the perfect drive-around-not-givin-a-shit soundtrack.

holla!

Reverting to 13 year old self

i couldn't resist.

there's something very poetic about the notion that one cannot simply poo-poo his way through a search for personal welfare.

"Morning drive"

part of the appeal of trance (for me) is that it takes some investment. it requires being open to the beat, then the melody, the harmony... on down the line.

this is one of those tracks that rewards the listener for his/her patience.

not gonna lie, i like to sit in a hot bath with a glass of wine and let this song work its magic.

A winning ticket

now here's a tandem i'll vote for. it's hard to beat a duo that defies death, over and over again.

Child trappings close to home

i have made it no secret that i find the indoctrination of children -- innocent, small individuals with no ability to think for themselves -- into the sadistically corrupt institutions of religion to be one of humanity's greatest crimes.

children don't have a choice. they are brainwashed early in life. and such trappings are often irreversible.

i was one of the lucky few who found liberation through self-education, but many are not so fortunate, or ballsy.

i have a nephew who is almost three years old and already he is singing "jesus loves me" to applauding praise from his parents. he knows not why he sings this song, he just knows that he was taught to do it by his mommy and daddy, and that when he does it, he is shown love and affection and smiles and hugs.

it fucking makes me wanna vomit.

and there's nothing i can do.

(image via ihmp)

Squashed by my lover

an interweb life guru of sorts recently reminded me that sometimes the things we love the most are also the things that hurt us the most. while i'd always understood this philosophy to be true in reference to fellow human beings (ex-girlfriend, mom, usher), it never occurred to me that it could happen with other loves, like hobbies or pastimes.

but now i'm right in the fucking middle of it.

what i thought to be just a mild LCL strain suffered during a recent marathon -- something i could have healed within a week or two -- is actually a meniscus tear, requiring me to park my running-loving ass on a stationary bike and/or in a swimming pool for at least six weeks.

and just as mother nature shows us the beauty of spring/summer!!!

my doc says, even after such a hiatus from my favorite activity, the chances that the tear will actually heal on its own are still gonna be pretty slim. in all likelihood, surgery will be the only way to fix the pain incurred every time my left leg impacts the ground, which will mean even more time off from running.

after getting this bit of morbid news, i spent a good three or four days wallowing in misery. i threw a little pity party (don't worry, i only invited ME)... broke some non-animate objects... cursed murhpy's fucking law.

i was so angry. WHY ME!?!?! but i love running!?!?! it's my only release from the clutches of reality!!! please!!!

and, as one would expect, such whining and crying did nothing for me.

my only options now are: stay positive. stay active. rearrange my goals.

and revel in the fact that i've become quite proficient in the butterfly stroke!!!

bodhi-fucking-sattva

let's get a lil buddhist action goin' on here, shall we? i mean, the buddhists are just as crazy as the christians and muslims and jews (perhaps even more crazy considering their very detailed 'other' worlds)... it's just, they're polite enough to not shout that crazy in the public's face. they leave everyone alone.

which is awesome.

but i wanna talk about bodhisattvas... and the only one worth my time is this lil gem from my youth by the one and only steely dan:

HOLLA!

I'm this close to just sayin' fuck it too, brosef

where's my piggy!?!?!?

Taken, plucked and long gone, pffft; focussing on the NOW

i'm at the age where past lovers are getting married. some of them have kids. all of them have long stopped sharing their beds with me.

there are a couple of them who i still long for (sometimes)... like, i get that feeling that i probably missed the boat... that i should've been on that fucking boat, if only i were smarter back then... or wasn't so self-centered... or, well, it does me no good to think about it now.

but if i'm feeling this then surely others have felt this before. here's how i'm coping with the pangs of lovers passed:

i'm wooing my mind away from those thoughts with exultations of what great, liberating things i'm able to do now.  in fact, focusing on the NOW helps me deal with a lot of life's fucked up issues.

now, i'm free to do what i wanna do when i wanna do it, anytime.

now, i'm not tied down by familial responsibilities. i can claim no dependents. i can get in my car and drive to fuckytown, u.s.a. and no one will give a shit.

now, i'm able to invest all my time into things that do bring me joy: baseball, being active, wine, being able to bang anyone i want without hurting anyone's feelings, spending countless hours playing with my two turntables and muthafuckin' microphone!!!

just sayin'.

True transcendence

my understanding of transcendence is quite simple. it's so simple it's fucking hard, which is why most people never reach it.

to me, it's not about believing in some unprovable sky daddy, not about dying for one's invisible friend, not about removing one's self from secular society... no... it's simply:

BEING AWARE.

it's about always knowing one's place in the world, no matter how big, how small. it's about knowing one's surroundings, being in touch with one's body, being at peace with the known reality of our world and carving out a spot for one's self in that space that adds to its essence, rather than taking away.

it's about understanding how one's actions will effect the universe, or a neighbor, or a friend.

too many people (okay, let's be honest: MOST people) are selfish... most people are too wrapped up in self that thinking about any of the above is just beyond their comprehension.

it is a sad consequence of being disconnected with the very nature that provides us life.

and i feel sorry for folks who have no clue.

Dubstep yo!!!

this vid combines my love for the cosby show and my love for dubsteppin'!

PERFECT WORLD!

Chewbaccadawg

been wanting to get a dog for the longest time. almost took my sister's (she had to get rid of it), but the thought of it being home alone all day with no one to take it out keeps holding me back.

it sucks.

i love dogs. i feel like i really need a friend right now in the way that only dogs know how to be friends.

if only i could find one like this chewbaccadawg, one who can copilot a spaceship and kill fucking stormtroopers.

My species needs a lobotomy

explain to me again how fucktardish memes like this may 21 judgement day fiasco permeate society again?

to speculate that the world will be suffering a massive judgement day at the hands of a once again reanimated jeebus makes about as much sense as a two-dicked horse with wings on its back and fire-ice emitting from its nostrils winning the GOP presidential nomination.

oh... wait...

i'll get back to ya after the 21st on this bullshit.

LOLZ!!!!

"The Wire"

two winters ago, i watched all five seasons of the wire. in one month. and that was after making an active choice to spread the episodes out as much as possible.

but i couldn't. it was just too good.

and for someone who had a leg in that world for a time, let me tell ya, it's the most brutally realistic telling of how shit really gets. if you haven't seen it, i highly recommend it.

just... consider yourself warned, if you're anything like me, television will forever disappoint you from there on out.

lucky for me, i got a whole baseball season to keep me entertained. i suggest you have a similar distraction lined up.

HOLLA!

I wish i were a lil bit taller

when i was a kid, i yearned to be an abe lincoln impersonator. i grew up in west central illinois, where abe is GOD, and my ability to memorize his speeches came in quite handy as a youth.

of course, my dreams were shattered when i never grew an inch over 5'8.

oh well. not everyone can rock the look like this guy.

still not sure which is more awesome, this dude, or this dude's custom tee.

(wtf is the kid on the tee doin'? wearin?)

(image via tcd)

Maybe there is hope for cats... then again, probably not

time again to remind everyone how much i hate cats.

i was at my sister's recently and her cat was being all weird with me. he likes to come up and rub against my leg, which would be fine and all if my leg then didn't immediately break out into a bazillion little red hives that itch like a motherfucker. i take allergy meds before i go and visit, but they only work so much before the cat dander finds its way deep inside my being.

when i was about five years old i figured out there wasn't a god, or at least, if there were, he was an asshole god. why would he make something so cute and cuddly make me so miserable?

never got an answer on that one.

not like i'm holding my breath or anything.

New atheism ad campaign 7

What happens when kids start askin' questions...

(click to enlarge)

(via smbc)

Dreamtastic

lately i've been having very vivid, surreal dreams. when it comes to dreams, i usually go through phases where i have a lot of them and i remember them down to the most intriguingly fantastic detail... to not having them at all.

in some cases i can pinpoint the cause, but lately, i cannot.

but it's fun going to bed knowing that any-fucking-thing is possible. like a fish puking a tiger puking a tiger chasing a gun pointing at a naked chick.

that's how i prefer to live.

Definition of a badass

this is a fucking badass.

i know he's had his bad moments, but in his defense, dude ain't too bright... and he had the shit knocked out of him on the regular for a long, long time before he became big and got mentally and financially raped by his handlers -- no excuse for his bouts of physical abuse and sexual assault, but from what i've seen of recent interviews, mike is genuinely sorry and actively trying to be better.

it's the charlie sheens of the world... the jackasses who have no idea how fucking insane they really are... those are the ones i wish would just go away.

forever.

Livin' in nakedville

i totally understand why people join nudist colonies. i like to think that i could hack it myself. in fact, i walk around my house naked all the time. i just feel better out of my clothes. i'm quite in tune with my body, so it just seems like the next logical step.

my only fear (and maybe this is a bit juvenile of me, but hey, it's true) is what happens when you come across a sexy fox like the one featured in this video below. i mean, sorry, ain't gonna be no hidin' mr. happy when she comes traipsing through.

Carina, ecstasy of existence from Projecte NUCAT on Vimeo.

My point, exactly

(via smbc)

Gettin' down with that main monkey business

when it comes to pure, live soundgasms, i'll take rush any day. it still blows my mind that only three people are responsible for making the music they make... and that they're still doing it today the way they did it thirty years ago.

this performance below is one of my most favorite live performances ever. when you watch it, pay close attention to just how in sync all three of 'em are, and how much fucking fun they're having.

after all, isn't that what life is all about? enjoying the moment?

HOLLA!

The perfect gift for your star wars lovin' lover

STRIKE ME DOWN WITH ALL YOUR HATE!

Another 2 minutes and 35 seconds of pure terror

having been a victim of christian delusionoidism myself, it's no secret that the fastest way to piss me off is by force feeding bullshit to kids who really don't know any better. i can only hope that the kid featured here, like me, grew up and learned how to think for himself.

i so fucking hope.

(thanks to A for the vid link)

Why does sexy time have such a bad rep?

i like sex.

you (i'm assuming) like sex.

errybody likes sex!

so why the fuck is it such a taboo topic... STILL... after all these millennium?

the fucking church. that's why.

religions cast a bad shadow over sex so they can guilt/control people. shame and hate and shunning... these are age old tricks used by "authority".

well authority can fucking blow me. i like sex and i have no problem talking about it, or pursuing it, or FUCKING HAVING IT.

how ya like that popey pope?

that's right. i love me some vagina. and i really get off on being inside someone and sharing that bond. i totally dig lookin' in a woman's eyes and feeling something stronger than anything i could ever attempt to put into words.

and

sometimes

i

just

like

fuckin'.

and ya know what? as long as it's done between consenting adults, it's all totally natural. totally cool. totally reasonable.

i swear, if every man shot his wad and every woman climbed mount orgasm once a day, this world would be a much better place to live. and i could concentrate on posting more about sexy time treats than calling out religious train wrecks.

Much props

as someone who hit puberty in the 90s, most of my musical love bounced between nirvana, tupac, dre and (don't judge me) michael jackson. weird mix, i know, but those were the times.

now, flash forward to me sittin' at my sister's house the other day, playing with her toddler's playschool xylophone. i start messin' around and before ya know it i'm bangin' out musical hits from the 90s. my sister even joined in with the rhythm section (also brought to us by playschool).

i thought, surely other adults have done stuff like this...

apparently they have.

ain't the internets badass?

More fuckbrains shitting in the gene pool

oh brother, why art thou so fucking DUMB?

i beg of thee, before may 21, please give me your entire life savings so i can put it to good use for you in the name of jeebus BEFORE the world ends later this month. i promise to do well. seriously. you can trust me.

you can trust me like i trust you.

Grandma dug the ganj

i was a freshman in college. my folks (and my late grandmother) were visiting my dorm for the first time. we left to go have dinner, but before we went, i BEGGED of my roommates:

"hey, please hold off on smoking pot til later tonight. we're coming back this way after dinner and i don't want to walk in on a bong session."

they all concurred that would be a bad idea so they promised to chill out.

fast forward two hours... my folks, my grandma and i return. i open the door and IMMEDIATELY get hit with a megafortified blast of pot smoke. naturally, i panic, but before my dad even has time to give me the old evil parent stank eye, my grandma says:

"mmm. smells good in here. i like that!"

we all erupted in laughter.

and then went about our business.

i fucking miss my grandma.

The dating rut

i'm tired.

i'm tired of the chase. i'm tired of wasting fuckloads of money. i'm tired of stretching my tolerance for mind games and manipulation.

so, once again, i throw my hands up in the air, unable to understand exactly what the fuck women want.

i'll tell you what i (as a man) want. i want sex. i want compassion. i want intimacy.

i want to be myself. i want to be able to watch baseball when i feel like it. i want to go run for four hours at a time and not be criticized.

that's pretty much it.

but so far, i've met zero people who are into that sorta thing.

fucking ZERO.

The luckiest chair in the world...

hell, if there's no chance i can be that chair, i'd still give my left nut just to be that mouse.

Beatifying schmeatifying

not only are catholics delusional, but they are also extremely efficient at pomp and bullshit circumstance.

pope john paul II got beatified... whatever the fuck that means.

i do know that it's another step towards sainthood... which is just another act of delusionoidism. they believe that their popey pope can do magic just like their jeebus.

i know one thing: sitting back and letting sexual deviancy infiltrate the ranks ain't no thang when it comes to lobbying for sainthood, beatifying or whatevs.

but what can one really expect from an institution that has reeked of corruption and evil for centuries and centuries and centuries...???

Why there are so many jewish atheists

(via smbc)

Who the fuck cares?

i have a real hard time facing the reality that some people are just rich and wealthy and full of all the good things in life ad nauseum for no other reason than they were fucking born. that's it. william was born, BOOM, fucking world handed to him on a silver platter.

real hard time dealing with that.

some people are born, BOOM, fucking have AIDS. some people are born, BOOM, fucking poverty... or segregated... or blue collar with barely enough to get by. me, i was born, was a child of divorce, watched my entire family nucleus disintegrate, was separated from my sister, then forced into crazy beliefs that didn't make any sense... etc.

i could go on, but you get the fucking point.

why does anyone care about these filthy rich kids? i could give a flying fuck. if it were up to me and i were william, i'd tell everyone to go fuck themselves, then fly to vegas to get hitched. i'd tell all the idiots (ironically -- or not so ironically the same sort of folks who flock to churches and synagogues and mosques to worship their invisible friends) to go home, that the millions that would've been spent on a big show of pomp and circumstance would be better spent helping folks suffering from the devastations in japan or the southeastern united states or haiti... for fuck's sake haiti is STILL a fucking mess.

Jeebus is the answer... to what?

if jeebus is the answer then how come christian delusionoids have such a hard time answering any of the important questions regarding their faith? like, y'know... why they can't empirically prove that their imaginary friend actually exists... or how can sky daddy forgive everyone of their sins but also damn them to hell for eternity... or why they hate gay people so much?

(special thanks to T who snapped this pic in rural missouri and posted it on FB for our entertainment. moving down there takes a lot balls, T. i commend thee for having the courage.)