Walk on that water, jeebus

a lot of people don't realize that the story of jesus -- the regurgitated hero story that is thematic among a wide array of cultures all over the fucking world where a dude is born of a virgin, performs miracles and saves everyone's soul -- wasn't even written down until 70 years after jesus was fucking dead.

considering that when i tell one of my six sisters something that's going on in my life, a few weeks later, by the time i talk to the sixth and final sister, the story is completely convoluted and totally fucked up from the original, i think that bullshit stories revolving around jeebus are just that:

BULLSHIT!

dude didn't walk on water. dude didn't turn water into wine. dude didn't raise folks from the dead.

and no one can prove otherwise, so just deal with it.

(image via smbc)

Could ya bang a creationist?

in short, yes. i could bang a creationist. sex doesn't know anything about a woman's delusions. it's irrelevant. but, as a friend of mine is currently discovering, having a relationship with a creationist requires... um... well...

there's no way i could ever have a relationship (outside of fucking) with a creationist. it'd be like asking an antelope to hang out and enjoy the company of a lion. someone's gonna get eaten. and it ain't gonna be me.

i was just surprised to find out that creationists actually exist in my city. i met her the other day and the first thing i noticed was how pretty she was. then, how well spoken she was. then, how urban she was. when my pal told me later on that they'd been dating and that she literally believes that an invisible sky daddy created the world in seven days, just like the b-i-b-l-e says, i wondered if perhaps i'd had too many cocktails.

just goes to show that crazy comes in all sizes.

Fuck the minivans... we should ban them all

i finally got around to watching that movie idiocracy that everyone has been yappin' about. it was a really stupid movie (i didn't even finish it i was so bored) but the premise is interesting... and pretty spot on.

the idea is that the stupid keep procreating, making more and more stupid people, while people with any sort of intelligence (being the careful, responsible folks we tend to be) are eschewing parenthood until later in life, or are at least consciously limiting their seeds while practicing common sense planning.

eventually, we'll be a society of morons.

if we aren't already.

i mean, we do live in a world where people have no issues blowing themselves up and killing innocent people because the invisible sky daddy they like is not the invisible sky daddy somebody else likes.

they're all fucking invisible. they're all fucking bullshit. and they're all making my planet an increasingly hostile place to live.

(via tcd)

Funny phobias?

sure, this screenshot made me chuckle... til i realized i was deathly afraid of.... GRASS, when i was a kid. i wouldn't let my bare feet touch it. i used to make big scenes and give my parents headaches. i don't remember this, of course, but they never let me forget.

fast forward 30 years and my 2 and a half year old nephew is deathly afraid of... LEAVES.

not kidding.

at least i know we share the same bloodline.

Dear delsionoids: make sure ya teach your kids THE WHOLE FUCKING BIBLE... NOT JUST the jesusy parts

BRILLIANT!

(via friendly atheist)

Another cat in another box

pretty sure this is the second cat in a toy box i've posted. recently.

i think a whole blog could be devoted to cats in toy boxes.

that'd be awesome... like... a vanessa hudgens lookalike fuck buddy.

(image via skull swap)

Christian delusionoids tend to be quite touchy

stop me if you've heard this one before...

an educated person pokes fun at the idiocy of the church and all its propaganda, the church freaks out, gets angry and says YOU CAN'T FUCKING DO THAT. (okay, maybe they don't scream it in all caps and use the word "fucking", but still.)

apparently, the above picture posted at the church of the flying spaghetti monster site did just that -- pissed off folks who saw it as slanderous.

uh... yah.

slanderous is scaring people into believing fairytales, telling them that non-christians deserve to rot in "hell" for eternity, to eschew using condoms during sex because "god" doesn't approve.

THAT'S fucking slanderous, you wretched, delusional crackpots.

get over yourselves. join the living. read a fucking science journal.

Benny fucking hinn

benny hinn is a fucking top of the line lunatic.

BATSHITFUCKING
CRAZYDELUSIONOID
EXTRAORDINAIRE

no question about it.

he's been making me laugh for decades now.

i remember being at my grandma's one summer, i was probably 10 or 11. benny hinn came on and he started doing his crazy "miracles". dumbfounded, mesmerized, entranced, i turned to grandma for guidance... is this real? is he really doing that?

my grandma -- simple-minded, small-town grandma -- said, "that's bull honky. that ain't any realer than a five armed catfish".

benny hinn preys on the weak. the dumbfounded, mesmerized, entranced idiots who have never bothered to have an independent thought. it's a sad as it is fucking insane.

Adrenaline friday!

every couple of months or so i pull out the roots' things fall apart album and listen to it from start to finish. i remember the day it came out. the tour. being a part of the 'movement'. i was in college then... i was discovering true freedom for the first time... i was... in love having a lot of sex with the most beautiful woman i've ever met.

fitting too, as the movement was all about love. still is. and it's fucking friday, so do yourself a favor and listen to this song, "adrenaline", and love you some of that.

ah... see... i feel better already. and this weekend is gonna be super fun. i'll be out at the lakefront 50 mile race volunteering all day saturday. if you's in the chi, stop on by! and sunday i'm gonna be hitting the trails in the burbs... definitely gonna need some adrenaline to keep me goin'. lots of running adventures are on tap for the spring and summer.

holla!

Lol-abs

somehow, this method seems more realistic than the ones i see advertised on t.v. late at night that feature andro-pumped testosterone monsters disguised as humans.

(image via skull swap)

Wait, what?

funny shit as always from smbc... but, wait, what are they talking about in regards to "creationists got stickers in biology textbooks"? are they saying the textbooks our children use in school give weight to the beyond-absurd-sky-daddy-snapped-his-magic-fingers-theory of how the world came to be?

SERIOUSLY!?!?!

if this is true it calls for an all out REVOLT against STUPIDITY!

teach that shit to your own kids, but please, spare society from sinking along with your delusional ship.

good fucking grief.

(image via smbc)

SOMEONE. PLEASE. Stop the INSANITY!!!

now here's somethin' we've seen before: a christian delusionoid talking CRAZY!!!

this misguided nutbag believes that her praying to an invisible sky daddy that no one has ever proven to be real got god to destroy japan with an earthquake, to wake those people up, to let them know they're going to hell if they don't get their jeebusy act together. (i don't expect you to stomach your way through the whole vid but try to get as far as ya can)

i don't think i'm being too harsh by saying people like this are a clear and present danger to society. from the get-go, they are fucking delusional... they have strength in numbers... and they really believe their delusions are true.

the irony here is, that they're not doing anything for "god"... they're doing it for themselves... so they don't burn and go to hell. "god" is just the way to protect themselves.

if only they knew... remedial biology.

(thanks to A for the vid)

It's getting hot in here

the other night, i made a nelly reference.

she -- the woman i was with -- didn't get it.

then i looked at my watch and realized nelly hasn't been popular for ten years.

2001. that was when he was at his best, or rather, that was when he was.

period.

time for me to update my rap references.

This is awesome til ya get to the bottom...

i remember the very first time i saw a kid just piss right there a foot in front of me, spraying bits and splashes all about my shoe and just about anywhere else within his tight yet accurate range.

i nearly shit MYSELF.

in some ways, i really respect the chinese. i mean, talk about  passing down some fucking culture.

but this pee pee shit... nah. that's fucking ridiculous.

All hail the BANGIN BOOTY HALL OF FAME

hold on to dem bonerjamz, y'all! this is gonna be a bumpy (yet sensational) ride!

Yah. I can relate, buddy

(click to enlarge)

this pretty much goes for non-believers too.

in fact, if i could concoct a heaven... a paradise... ya know, a make-believe place that is ludicrous beyond FUCKING LUDA-CHRIS... then mine would be nailing dumb college chicks.

(via smbc)

How babies are born

when i was about 7, a kid at school told me babies came out your mom's belly button. i went home and asked my parents if i came out of my mom's belly button and my dad said, "no. you came out of your mother's vagina."

because that's the truth.

that's where we come from.

why would you tell your child a lie? from the start?

i looked that kid up recently. ya know, on the interwebs. things ain't too good for him these days.

(via ihmp)

Something to keep ya comin' back...

special-uber-orgasmo-thanks to my buddy, T, who enlightened me with this gif.

if there is a gif hall of fame, this better be at the entrance.

bonerjamz city.

My own ritter sirry engrish regret

had i ever thought there might be money to make by taking pictures of all the ridiculous fucking engrish signs found throughout china and the rest of asia, i'd be a rich muthafucka right now.

of course, i just chuckled and moved on.

what a fucking waste.

Um... this hot bat girl should have her own show. I will co-star. If she's willing.

i hate to say it, but she makes that whole goth thing look pretty damn good!!!

(via hcibs)

Amateur sketch

i fucking love leprechauns.

happy fucking leprechaun day.

SPANK ME! I'M IRISH!

The record holder for shortest amounts of time as record holder

one of my favorite runners right now is a fella named ian sharman. he's pretty likable. he's got a british accent, a friendly smile, and legs that know how to fucking run.

in fact, the man is a monster.

he broke a course record at the rocky raccoon 100 mile race in huntsville, tx with a time of 12 hours 44 minutes and fucking 35 seconds -- a fucking half hour faster than anyone had ever done it before.

he ran one hundred fucking miles in less than 13 hours. that is not fucking impressive, that is INSANELY impressive.

anyway, he set the record for marathon time run by someone in a spiderman outfit.

then, a week later, someone else beat his time.

but don't worry.

the man is fucking a monster.

he will return with a vengeance.

Over expectation in your mind

you might think this is just engrish, that the chinese couldn't possibly have a camera that could see in your mind...

then again, they are communists... so move along at your own risk.

been there done that yo!

HOLLA!!!

Nothin' weird here... nothin' at all

i don't know where this guy was photographed, or where he was going, but goddamnit it he doesn't look like he's havin' a good time.

i think i'm gonna take that philosophy to heart today and do something i always do but just do it differently.

like, instead of eating blueberries in my cereal, i'll try it with cranberries.

fuck yeah for innovation!

!!!

Why do women do what they do????

i don't get it, my father doesn't get it, his father didn't get it and i'm just gonna assume HIS father didn't get it either: women and the shit they do sometimes.

now i'm not gonna get all sexist and misogynist here and attack women calling them all crazy. that ain't my game.

but i'd be a goddamn liar if i didn't admit to being baffled by their lack of logic sometimes. why would someone who broke my heart into a billion little pieces start having facebook conversations with my fucking father of all people? someone she never even met?!?!?! even more, why would she do that KNOWING good and well that my eyes would eventually see it!?!?!?

unless her goal was to purposely hurt me -- to pour more salt in an old wound -- there is absolutely no excuse for that.

none.

zilch.

AGGGHH!

and it makes me angry. here i am, feeling good about myself, feeling proud about where i've been and what i've become since that shitty day back in october... right about 100% and then BOOM -- a little reminder that i wasn't good enough for her... in the way of a in-your-face public FB convo with my fucking dad.

this isn't an isolated event... it has just boiled over.

why do women do what they do?

i haven't the slightest fucking clue.

and i probably never will.

I totally know how ya feel, batman

i mean, i won't go as far as to say i 'hate' someone, especially someone i was once intimate with, because i don't. i don't hate people (maybe islamic terrorists, but that's about it). still, some breakups hurt more than others and the only thing one can do to shield himself from the pain is to say fuck it and totally disassociate with her all together. it's the only way.

(image via skull swap)

Qi baishi... still a badass

i love art with the same passion that i detest religion. that much is definitely true.

when i was in college, then later living in china, i spent a lot of time studying daoism and i was struck at how useful its philosophy could be when applied to my own life (i eschewed the rites, rituals, rain dances and overall delusional aspects of the practical religion, of course).

basically, it's all about being one with one's environment, living in the moment, self-control, awareness, treating others as one would want to be treated. pretty much all ya need.

well, this philosophy is so evident in the works of the late great qi baishi, chinese master painter extraordinaire. what a fucking badass. with the simplest and lightest of brush strokes, he was able to create fascinatingly complex figures and scenes.

it may look simple... and easy. that's the point.

but let me assure you, there is NOTHING easy about creating masterpieces such as these:

holla!!!

It's all about geography, man

Sky God!'s resident liberty guru, kent mcmanigal, recently brought up something that my favorite dick has hammered home quite frequently, but one that never ceases to baffle the non-delusionoid sector (read: sane people), and that is:

when ya really narrow shit down, being a delusionoid is mostly about where you are fucking born, and you have no fucking control over where the fuck you are born.

born in iran? you probably love allah.

born in dubuque, iowa? you probably love jeebus.

born in tel aviv... or brooklyn? you probably love yahweh, or the beastie boys.

whatevs.

the next time someone tries to throw that holier-than-thou fairytale bullshit in yer face, remind them that the main reason they believe what they believe is based on geography, and nothing else.

seems like god would have to be a pretty devious muthafucka to doom one delusionoid to living in a medinah slum and another to getting fondled by father moynahan in a nantucket parish.

but what the fuck do i know? i don't believe in that shit.

Behold: george carlin auto-tuned!!!

i'm such a sucker for this shit, when it's done right.

enjoy!

Just when ya thought ya were bonjerjammed out on hot batman-shirt-wearin' chicas...

oh.

fuck.

me.

now THAT oughta wake yer ass up this morning!!!

(via hcibs)

Asking the really tough fucking questions

there was a time (a long, long time ago, when i was young and dumb) when i would most certainly judge a person by his/her answer to the above pressing question.

staunchly in the tupac camp, i realized (the older i got) that i was missing out by shunning the biggie camp... and after they were both dead, one could even say i walked a fine line by wearing two hip-hop hats, straddling the fence between big boy records and the tupac killuminati faction.

i loved both.

still do.

and the fact that they're both dead (still dead, after all these years, whodathunkit???) still hurts. just think of all the great music we missed out on because of their silly vendettas.

then again, maybe it saved us from having to go through what we've gone through with jay-z.

one can only hope.

Suggested rules of engagement for fuck buddies

let's face it, sometimes ya just wanna fuck. it's natural. it's okay. it's not weird or anything. our bodies were hardwired to do that.

at the same time, as humans, we are also hardwired to have feelings and emotions and shit like that. so the two either must be in balance or at least be properly channeled with an open line of communication between parties.

in other words, don't mix feelings and emotions with the pure, physical act of fucking unless there are feelings and emotions. it is my belief that usage of the verb "to fuck" inherently indicates the lack of feeling/emotion involved, as opposed to "make love" or "have sex" even, both of which indicate some sort of mind connection.

with fuck buddies, everyone involved has gotta be on the same page. they gotta be adult about the situation, embrace the situation, avoid reading any meaning into the situation.

i don't want to know what you did today, i don't want to know what your hopes and dreams are, i don't want to know what makes you laugh, cry, none of that shit. that's the sorta thing you reserve for... a lover.

fucking's different.

on a personal note, i have reached the point in my life where i'd rather have that mind connection during sex. for me, looking in a woman's eyes and feeling something while, literally, feeling something is much more satisfying than simply fucking like an animal then going to bed.

unfortunately, it's a desolate world sometimes, and ya gotta do whatcha gotta do.

One minute and twenty-four seconds of pure terror

nothing makes my skin crawl more than watching children parade the highfalutin and inexcusable, delusional, ass-backwards claims of their so-called elders.

children don't get a choice. they do as they see, as they're told. they're vulnerable. when it comes to force-feeding religion, i think if you really loved your children you would allow them to make their own spiritual and/or philosophical choices. pumping them up full of vitriolic bullshit then pushing them out the door is not only a disservice to them as floundering youths, but also a HUGE FUCKING HIT ON HUMANITY AS A WHOLE.

WE DON'T FUCKING NEED FAIRY TALES TO EXPLAIN SHIT ANYMORE. SO CUT THAT SHIT OUT.

Core work is essential for a hopeful stormtrooper

also, one of the benefits of working out with fellow stormtroopers is that we all look alike under those helmets.

no one will judge you for how out of shape you may have gotten.

you might get blasted, and subsequently die... but, no judging.

promise!

Huzzah! someone convinced courtney cox (my secret luvah) to fucking eat a sandwich!

believe me... i've been waitin' a long time for courtney to get hot again. now that she's resumed attention to sustenance, i feel like all i need to do to find success is convince her that my obsession with her is totally done out of respect...

Another reason why sue sylvester is the funniest fictional character since michael scott

managed to catch this screengrab during an early episode in season two.

i must thank my ole pal, A, for gettin' me on the glee train.

there. i fucking said it. i like glee.

so what.

Gimme a fucking break, popey pope

in the pope's latest (and i'll admit lamest) attempt to appear worthy of the secular (read: anti-delusional) world's attention, he "lifts blame from jews for christ's death".

well, well, well, mr. funny hat. congratufuckinglations. i'm so glad you found time to lift that blame from the jews. that was really kind of you. i'm sure the jews are really, really relieved that you found it in your heart to do that.

maybe as an encore you can lift the hate and intolerance that STILL permeates your fabricated institution that teaches practical dissonace over open-mindedness and logic-based rationality.

maybe it's all the ghosts and spirits and make-believe shit clouding your mind.

i dunno.

but, please. think about it.

think about it deeply.

Bottom line is this:

"We think it’s a dangerous situation for institutions and ideas to be above scrutiny."
--church of the flying spaghetti monster

no fucking shit. i mean, that's the main thing that all the delusionoids seem to have difficulty understanding. if any other discourse can be freely questioned and/or peeled like a potato -- y'know, the way we do in math, science, geology, astronomy, etc. -- then why the fuck shouldn't we be able to question the fundamentals of the church?

we should. it's our fucking right.

and it's our fucking duty.

unfortunately, for delusionoids, whether they be christian, hindu, buddhist, muslim, jewish or whatevs, is that once you start questioning and looking for hard evidence, you realize you're on a hunt similar to those for bigfoot, santa claus and the boogeyman.

shit just don't add up.

and once everybody gets that, well, then the church will be dead (one can only hope).

- - -

while i enjoy the FSM website, i still think they're a bit too passive when it comes to callin' out the delusionoids for what they are (fucking crazy), yet, in the end, it's a very entertaining place. so check it out sometime.

This cavalera hit will rock your friday afternoon

no one rocks the fuck out like max... and, since i haven't posted this prophecy vid yet, it's long overdue.

so get off your ass, grab that air guitar and ROCK THE FUCK OUT YO!!!!!!!!!!

HOLLA!!!!!!!!!

Finally, i've found the basis for my next tattoo

take that geometric-friendly design, tribal it up, slap it on my right shoulder and this ballgame is OVAHHHHHHH!

will share pics once it's a done deal. dontcha worry. hopefully i'll have it done by race season. while all the christian delusionoids are pimpin' their jeebus fish tattoos and scriptures and shit on their shirts, i'll be buzzin' by with the FSM, aimin' for those PRs!

HOLLA!!!

Avril lavigne can have all my paychecks, from now til eternity

one of the evident themes in my past romantic relationships is that my undying love for avril lavigne has been continuously met with cold hearted hatred and disgust. for some reason, the women i have been involved with have not met my avril fandom with welcoming arms. in fact, they have all been vehemently against it.

why? what the fuck is wrong with avril lavigne? she's hot. she's sassy. she's a total rocker chick with a rockin' bod and a rockin' voice. what's not to like?

i'm just gonna chalk that shit up to jealousy. hell, if i were a chick and my man got a bonerjam every time avril came on the tele, i guess i might harbor some jealous feelings myself. the difference is, i get over that shit real quick.

keep killin' it, avril! and y'all better enjoy the sexy body shots in this vid:

Um... it's not the fucking blood of jesus, okay?

i don't care what your man in the pointy hat says... or what father so-and-so does to it... that's wine or grape juice or whatever it is your church wastes time and money on.

it is NOT the blood of jesus, metaphorically or otherwise. 

it is no more the blood of jesus than a can of pop is booty-shakin' juice, or a stein of beer is make-your-sister-look-decent drink, or a shot of tequila is license for me to kick some ass.

it's all smoke, mirrors and make-believe. to think it's anything other than that is a sad, disrespectful slap in the face of reality.

(image via smbc)

Figured out why my FUCKING COMPUTER WON'T WORK

damn those feline bastards. damn them straight to hell!

*of course, i'm referencing the proverbial hell. anyone with a working brain knows that "hell" is just a silly little make-believe land that delusionoids like to use to scare dumb people into following their slow, idiotic and anti-progressive ways*

(image via skull swap)

Even empire babies are cute

this child had no choice. it was born into the empire. it's a part of the empire. it will die for the empire.

it will probably grow up serving the sith, wreaking havoc, killing rebels (or at least thinking that killing rebels is okay, necessary, etc).

sound familiar?

uh.......

yah.