Being aware sucks sometimes

maybe that's why most people eschew complete awareness.

because when one really opens himself up to what is going on all around him, it's hard to be a whiny bitch and feel good about it.

still, i'm not perfect. and i struggle with it daily.

i don't want to be so reliant on things and materials and shit that doesn't matter, but i get sucked into it all the same.

my worries tend to revolve around money. i never have enough of it. i feel overworked, underpaid. my job is not enjoyable so i end up dwelling on that fact rather than making the best of it. i'm not proud of that fact, but it is the truth.

so, with being aware, one must also learn how to put in perspective what matters and what doesn't.

and right now, whether or not i have those new shoes or those new jeans or those new gaiters doesn't really fucking matter.

to my own credit though, i'm still watching all major league baseball games on a shitty ass 28 inch tube television. so i should get points for that.


  1. Of course, being unaware also sucks, but unaware people are not aware that it sucks being unaware. Or, as one of my friends asked once "Do stupid people know they're stupid?" No, they do not. Smart people may not enjoy being smart, and aware people may find awareness uncomfortable, but it beats the alternative.

  2. true. i'd rather be where i am now, because now i don't have any regrets.

  3. Oh boy do I hear you. Greater awareness, perspective or not, even in the face of larger global concerns, personal money woes are the worst. And not liking one's job, where, let's be honest, we spend more waking hours than anywhere else, colors every aspect of our lives, no matter how much we feel we should be above that. Sometimes I think that we folks in our 30's who are "cursed" with awareness, self and otherwise, see what's wrong in the world all too well, and are stuck between being creatively fulfilled and the ability to pay our mortgage/rent need our own "it's gets better" campaign...except we'd see right through it, I suppose. I think the only thing any of us can do is try to throw our real passions into our spare time. From the outside, it looks like you have a lot of great creative outlets. In my house, this is why we spend so much time watching baseball, biking and cooking - it makes it seem like, for the evening or weekend at least, it does get better.

  4. i'm so with you. and you're right, that's probably why we get lost in baseball games, long runs (or bike rides) and writing down our thoughts. takes the edge of from reality, if only for a bit.