Don't fuck with jesus

this reminds me of this group of people i know who live in south texas. this group, they're friends with one of my delusionoid sisters... they're all pals. they're all head over heels for jeebus, you know the drill.

they are also binge drinkers, racist, and... violent.

they're the type of people who find no wrongdoing in blowing up an abortion clinic... they see nothing wrong with abusing gay folks... they think it's okay to stinkeye anyone, anytime, who is clearly not white and/or christian.

for a group of people who claims to be so religious, so righteous, so above-all-the-rest, they sure are a lot of mean motherfuckers.

Geoff roes is still a running god

ultra running champion geoff roes finally lost a race. for the first time, he didn't win a 100 mile race that he entered (after winning his first seven, EVER).

but the dude is still a running badass.

the thing i've noticed about geoff, about ian sharman, about scott jurek and all my other favorite ultrarunners, including the ones i've met and run with here in the chicago area, is that they're all kind, nice, compassionate people.

without getting too mushy, that's what i strive to be as well. from running i feel more compassion for my planet, for life in general, for my species... running has this powerful ability to make me think positively, to want to love things.

it also makes me extremely horny, but that's for another day.

take a look at this awesome little minidoc about geoff roes and his running regimen... pay attention to his demeanor, his love for life. it's beautiful.

Living legend

if my new hobby of dj'ing has taught me anything, it's that one must have a certain feel for the music -- a certain knowledge that goes deeper than the casual ear -- in order to put on a good show.

dj jazzy jeff has that, and he's still doin' it up.

because he is a bonafide badass. and i am in awe:

Somebody please make this happen

throw in an almost naked slave leia and i'm seein' this movie a bazillion times!

(image via thaeger)

Fascinating video

for this eye opening video, i suggest you watch in fullscreen mode or watch it via youtube so you get the full experience. 

these are people who have never seen a white man before. their reaction is mesmerizing. the looks in their faces are pure. imagine, you, yourself have never seen anything modern, ever.

the wonderment alone... it's... beautiful.

I can haz a wundah woman?????

preeeeeeaaase????

(image via 9GAG)

Free stuff

another sister of mine is getting married, which means i have to buy them some stuff for their house. i don't mind getting them a gift. that's not a big deal.

but i gotta admit having just a tad bit of jealousy for all the free schwag they're gonna get.

i mean, looking around my house, a lot of my shit is old and falling apart. i could use a new toaster, coffee maker, microwave, dishes, silverware, wine glasses, t.v., coffee table, dining table, sheets, bed, etc. all my shit is... old.

and since it's highly unlikely that i'll ever get married, i wonder what my friends/fam would think if i sent out invitations to some event and had a registry for it, y'know, so i could get in on some of that fun stuff that married folk get. if we can celebrate and congratulate folks on being conformists to the marriage realm, why can't we celebrate and congratulate folks like myself who don't fit such labels?

besides, if you saw my toaster you'd wanna get me a new one.

Reiterating the fact that to be aware is to be alive

i can't tell you how many times i've almost hit a bicyclist who was running a red light, or riding the wrong way on a busy street... or how many times, as a pedestrian, i've almost gotten struck by cars running red lights, or not paying attention... and how many of those folks have been on their fucking cellphones yappin' away.

society is made up of a bunch of selfish jerks these days.

ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME I WANT I WANT I WANT I CAN HAZ I CAN HAZ I CAN HAZ ME ME ME ME WANT WANT WANT WANT

irritating.

this is a fantastic visuailtion of that selfishness, proof that just crossing the street can be risky business:

3-Way Street from ronconcocacola on Vimeo.

(vid via boing boing)

Did i say boys boxer-briefs on a chick were unattractive?

well strike me down and call me vicki vale!

(image via hcibt)

Am i the only one who thought THE BEACH was awesome!?!?

Y'know, you are part of the fucking problem, harrisburg mayor linda thompson

instead of doing some actual fucking work to fix the problems in her city, linda thompson is calling for three days of fasting and prayer.

give.

me.

A FUCKING BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

am i the only one who sees this for what it is: ABSOLUTE INSANITY!?!?

why do we continue to think it's okay to elect these fucking drones of fantasy?

i am surprised i still have all my toenails considering how much crazy people like the aforementioned make me want to rip them all out with pliers.

Let's cut the amish fantasy crap

there seems to be a romanticized image of what the amish are and what they represent. and as someone who often needs to disconnect from the technocracy that rules modern living, i totally understand why people would project such a romantic view on a society that eschews technology.

but let us not forget who the amish actually are: they're uber conservative christians (read: DELUSIONOIDS).

i grew up around the amish, so i know firsthand how fucking backwards their society is. if you wanna know the truth about amish living, consider the fact that women are treated as sub-human. the man rules the roost, often with a quick hand. premarital sex is HIGHLY taboo -- CONDEMNED even. and the fucking church is constantly watching over you... meaning that the elders dictate what you can do in the bedroom and what you can do... anywhere really, including the condemnation of... music. WTF!?!?

if anything, amish communities are great examples of anti-tech dystopian slave camps.

they often regard themselves as moral paragons who thrive while cast away from the sea of sin, but let me remind yee holy amish folks: dictating how one lives, down to the very last detail based on bullshit fairytales, while being racist and sexist, and then SHUNNING people who do not follow your path is not the sort of moral high-ground i wanna stand on.

it's fucking sick. it's fucking twisted. and it's fucking childish.

Me after three beers

yep. i'm a lightweight.

eff the world!!!

turtle power!!!

God's mama

okay, smbc owes me a new keyboard 'cuz i just spit coffee all over mine busting up at this TROOF!!!

Appy-polly-loggies!!!

if i had kids i'd be doin' shit like this all the time.

right now i'm plotting to dress my uber christian delusionoid sister's kids up like carl sagan and richard dawkins next time they come visit.

don't judge me, you heathens. you'd do the same.

INFIDELS UNITE!

(image via ihmp)

Keystone?

growin' up, this is what my hillbilly sisters slammed down their throats at every single house party. they made fun of me 'cuz i'd spend $8 on six-pack of bell's oberon, then they would make pukey faces when trying a sip.

there's something peanut-butter-and-jelly-esque about backwoods country worldviews and keystone beer.

ick.

like drinkin' horse piss! not that i would know anything about horse piss.

stop judging me.

;-)

I... am... RUN-NING!!!!

at the risk of sounding like a complete sap, let me just say that i'm back... and that all i needed was a good forty-five minutes of solid (yet careful) running to be reminded of how awesome it is to be alive.

my six weeks of rest seems to have been good to the meniscus in my knee.

and now, i'm not ashamed to admit that after two solid days in a row of running i am feeling quite emotional.

the body is an amazingly complex thing, never to be taken for granted.

More tycho awesomeness

as i mentioned before, tycho music = bonerjam city.

right now i'd have to say this track, past is prologue, is the one really keeping me up at night. so i thought i'd share.

ENJOY!

Something that tickles me nuts!

so when peoples iz searchin' the interwebs and stumble across SKY GOD!, the above terms are the top ones leading them here.

sounds about right.

HOT DANG!

A lofty heaven

throw han solo and ozzie smith in that there heaven and i might even consider showing up for one of those sing-songy services for jeebus and company.

nah. i'm lyin'.

i mean, crazy as this picture seems, isn't all religious iconography this fucking crazy?

yes.

yes it is.

a hippy dude in the clouds hangin' out with an old white beardin' sky daddy, lookin' down at a red clad satan below. 

talking trees and parting seas and magical water that turns into wine!

OOOOOOOH YEAHHHH!!!

(image via tcd)

It has a bazillion uses!

was standing in line at the grocery store and overheard a fucking delusionoid woman comment to her friend that "god made adam and eve, not adam and steve" in reference to the gay male couple holding hands a few aisles away from us.

first of all, IDIOT WOMAN, what the fuck do you care about what other people do with their sexual parts? i don't see how anything they do privately could possibly fucking HURT YOU.

second, you're just spitting out cliched bullshit that has no scholarly merit.

third, you're being a judgmental bitch.

fourth, i'd encourage you to be like your boy jeebus and be compassionate and accepting and tolerant of others.

fifth... i'll be right back... i gotta go get some...

The mysterious and the not-so-mysterious dreams

i have some pretty common recurring dreams: threesomes, flying, getting arrested...

i have had them so often that i expect them now. they're not surprising and they don't illicit any special feelings and/or reactions anymore.

but the last few days have left me drained (in a good way) as i've been dreaming about running.

due to my injury, i haven't been able to run for well over a month now and it's really taking a toll on my mental stability. but when i woke up from a recent running dream i felt... good. i felt refreshed, as if i'd really gone out and logged 20 miles in the forest. not only that, but in my dream i was running faster than i ever have in real life, with infinite power and stamina!!!

WOW!!!!!!!!!

i wish i knew more about dreams... what they actually are, where they come from, any possible healing attributes...

our minds are so fucking complex.

(image via skull swap)

This has premature ejaculation written all over it

i mean, say ms. batman undies and i... say we get to the stage of undressing where i discover this....

well, shit. gimme five minutes i'll be good to go again.

wow.

*note: interesting how the male mind works, isn't it? i mean, this woman could have a swine head and i still wouldn't have noticed.

(image via hcibt)

Whole foods parking lot

i love whole foods.

repeat: i FUCKING LOVE WHOLE FOODS.

sucks that i have to take out a loan to shop there (which is why i usually opt for trader joe's then go to WF when i come up sumthin' fierce)... but for any of you who have ever shopped there, or are familiar with the shitbomb that is trying to find a parking spot (it's just as bad in the chi as it is in l.a. sometimes), i think you'll enjoy this:

Fleecing ad nauseum

i drink a lot of water. i drink mostly tap water... but when i'm away from home i will opt for the bottled water over tap.

maybe i should change that (and save some money while doing so).

here's a bit of truth about bottled water:

Birth control

having six sisters, i know this look all too well.

it's more terrifying than anything you can think of.

for a tween with an obsession (whether it's nancy drew, harry potter or twilight) can be an ugly, ugly affair.

(image via ihmp)

Awareness can be a bitch

"to be aware is to be alive"
(a phrase heard often in the 'rooms' around the world)

i have written here in the past about how much the world needs to wake the fuck up, how folks ought to take notice of their surroundings, live according to the golden rule...

but one of the side effects of being aware of one's place in the universe is being responsible for one's actions.

admittedly, i've been a bit pissy the last few weeks. i haven't been able to run. that's why. i know it. but that doesn't give me an excuse to be debbie downer to everyone else in the world.

i noticed myself being curt and snippy with coworkers, with customers, with whoevs.

not acceptable.

gonna work on that.

Biting a clenched fist

for me, the most memorable scene in the godfather films is right after sonny finds out his sister was beaten up by carlo. in a fit of rage he bites his clenched fist, then immediately goes out and beats that muthafucka's ass.

been biting my clenched fist lately. a lot.

this time it was because my sister (whom i love dearly despite her christian delusionoid status) wrote this as her status update on facebook the other day:

"my son just said he wanted to talk to Jesus :0) so we said our prayers for [sic] at night. Love that kid!"

her son (my nephew) is just 2 and a half years old. he has learned, like a pavlovian dog, that when he mentions jeebus to mommy and daddy, he is rewarded. he knows not of how fucking stupid his parents are in indoctrinating him into such tyranny.

and i can't do or say shit (i tried. once. not worth it losing my sister over).

Tycho music = auditory orgasm

through the magic of pandora, i discovered a new artist about a month ago. his name is tycho (scott hansen).

and the man's been blowing me away with his magically mystical tunes.

i first fell in love with the song i feature here, dictaphone's lament; but i have since made love to the entire album.

overall, his music is as rich in layered sound as it is full of positive imagery... at least, it is for me. when i hear these sounds, i get a little flushed (in a good way). i feel warm and happy and i wanna hug people (no, i'm not on drugs).

not only that, but dude is also a designer and he has a cool blog you can follow! i just ordered some vinyl from him, and a wicked cool tee with an original print.

HOLLA!!!

Table for one

...this totally reminds me of a joke i used to tell during my stand-up days:

i recently had a threesome (crowd hoots, hollers, applauds)... that's right... i used both hands.

(image via smbc)

Real southsiders know how to be assholes

a while back i made mention of my new toys (the stanton turntables and mixer i bought during the winter) and how i was really going to learn how to use them, and... well... i'm happy to report that i have spent many an hour groovin' with my own eclectic mixes. so much frackin' fun!

in other words, me and the turntables = bonerjam city.

so anytime i see a record shop i make sure to stop in, 'cuz one never knows what gem is there to be discovered.

the other day i'm walkin' through my southside neighborhood and see the record shop (that is ALWAYS closed) is actually open, so i stop in.

no one is inside except a man behind the counter who looks pissed off... typical old blood southsider, seemingly pissed that the chinese and mexicans have slowly taken over his neighborhood. i stroll around with that i'm being watched feeling when finally he barks, "lookin' for anything in particular?"

"yeah, you have any hip-hop?"

this was followed by an eye-roll (the dude is white by the way, like old italian white... or irish white... dunno, is alcoholic a country?) and then he says, "what hip-hop? an artist? who?"

"nevermind," i said as i started out the door before a too $hort album caught my attention. i grabbed it. "yeah, like this. any more of this?"

he huffed and puffed, mumbled something and then led me to a small area that had... SOME BOMB ASS HIP HOP RECORDS!!!! flushed with joy, i grabbed a bunch and took 'em to the counter.

now, seein' all this loot i had, dude is finally nice to me... chatting me up, asking me how long i've been in the neighborhood, and all this shit while i pay for the goods... but why... why couldn't he have just been nice in the first place? 

southsiders have a bad reputation already... why make it worse? just fucking treat people the way you would wanna be treated!!!

YA HEARD?!?!

First crack THEN christ

though i don't have the numbers to back it up, i bet a lot of people go the opposite route and start out as jeebus followers, THEN end up on crack. it seems like crack is the drug of choice for lower income folks, who, in many cases, also happen to be less educated and more susceptible to delusionoidism.

what i don't understand is how an imaginary friend is able to get people to stop killing themselves with drugs. it seems like the people killing themselves with said drugs would want to stop killing themselves, period.

i don't see how the imaginary friend is relevant at all.

but what do i know.

i'm a fucking free-thinkin' heathen infidel.

also, that's a pretty expensive car for a crackhead to be drivin'.

(image via tcd)

If you don't listen to slayer...

i'm a slayer fan. it's no secret. i've raved about my lust for them here before.

but i am not the average slayer fan. i mean, i do not have long hair. i do not hate people or things as a way to say 'fuck the world'. i do not live with my parents.

but i love music of all genres, and when it comes to thrash metal, it's just really hard to beat slayer. i got in an argument with a buddy once on who was better: slayer or pantera?

i love pantera. but... sorry, they can't touch this slayer shit.

IT'S RAINING BLOOD MUTHAFUCKA!!!

(image via skull swap)

Um, i don't recall asking for an erection killer

how dare those bastards!?! i don't care what point they're trying to make, they took my beautiful, beautiful bride (to be) and pissed all over her.

THEY WILL RUE THE DAY!!!

ARGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

(click to enlarge)

Rise

my childhood infatuation with star wars was rivaled only by my obsessions with baseball and... the planet of the apes film franchise.

that's right. i was an ape fanatic.

so you can understand why i was disappointed when tim burton mucked it up a few years back (WHY DO THEY KEEP REMAKING MOVIES THAT WERE AWESOME TO BEGIN WITH????).

but now... this... this is coming and this...

this looks BAD ASS!

Ready to try anything?

try dating a dead person. that's something i have yet to do.

probably gonna keep it that way.

i said probably.

(image via skull swap)

Jesus on par with satan who's on par with a fucking zebra

of course it is. and of course the zebra means about as much to a child as the figurative "satan"... or the highly embellished "jesus".

kids are kids.

they don't know any better. but they listen to mom and dad and elders cuz that's what they're hardwired to do, much like bees are hardwired to make honey for the queen, why lindsay lohan is hardwired to embarrass herself and her family ad nauseum.

LEAVE OUR CHILDREN ALONE, DELUSIONOIDS!

let them gather the evidence then make their own decisions.

i feel like broken fucking record some days.

(image via ihmp)

Pourin' some liquour out for the fallen

today marks the 22nd anniversary of the tiananmen square massacre.

and as much as the still stoic communist regime would like the world to believe this event never actually happened, let me assure you: IT FUCKING HAPPENED.

when i lived in china i was sorta ornery in that i often prompted folks to talk to me about taboo subjects like tiananmen. i was careful to only do so if the participant was willing, and i met LOTS of folks who described those days back in '89 with lots of heart and lots of tears.

it was a fucking disgrace what the government did to those people.

never forget.

never fucking forget.

A perfect way to end this day...

GAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHAAAAHHHHH!!!

Doesn't matter how many times i see this meme...

...my answer is ALWAYS the SAME:

ALLTHEFRACKINGTIMEDUDE!

Remind me to never go to louisiana

there's really nothin' for me to go see down there anyway (maybe new orleans at some point, but since shaq left LSU, it's been pretty bleak), but remind me to never go to louisiana anyway.

here's why: the state government is seeing a resolution pass to get a ten commandments monument built... on CAPITOL GROUNDS.

seriously? a fucking TEN COMMANDMENTS monument? on STATE property? THIS is what fucking taxpayer money is going towards?

you asinine, delusionoid dimwits.

if you can't pull your head out of your collectively backwards ass, then you don't deserve my patronage... of anything.

more on this story from the friendly atheist... someone who i admire for being so calm in his disdain for the religious (read: the stupid).

Fucking up

i'm stubborn. no, seriously... like, really stubborn.

it's a family trait... passed down from alpha male to alpha male in my family. my dad is a mule... when he's made a decision (right or wrong) there's no budging from it. he cannot be budged.

my granddad (dead now) was even worse. at 135 pounds and full of booze, he was one of the feistiest men on the planet. a boxer who was always ready to fight, one did NOT want to cross him because he had no problem punching his way out of an argument. he was such a stickler for fighting (and small in stature) that he was nicknamed "skeeter" (as in "mosquito", an annoying blood-sucking insect that just wouldn't go the fuck away).

i like to think that i've broken the family tradition of always being right by being able to admit that i fuck up (from time to time ;-). and will probably continue to do so.

but, i do tend to sugarcoat it.

no one's perfect.

(image via skull swap)