Free stuff

another sister of mine is getting married, which means i have to buy them some stuff for their house. i don't mind getting them a gift. that's not a big deal.

but i gotta admit having just a tad bit of jealousy for all the free schwag they're gonna get.

i mean, looking around my house, a lot of my shit is old and falling apart. i could use a new toaster, coffee maker, microwave, dishes, silverware, wine glasses, t.v., coffee table, dining table, sheets, bed, etc. all my shit is... old.

and since it's highly unlikely that i'll ever get married, i wonder what my friends/fam would think if i sent out invitations to some event and had a registry for it, y'know, so i could get in on some of that fun stuff that married folk get. if we can celebrate and congratulate folks on being conformists to the marriage realm, why can't we celebrate and congratulate folks like myself who don't fit such labels?

besides, if you saw my toaster you'd wanna get me a new one.


  1. might as well. at this point, i've consummated the marriage more times than one can even count.

  2. It sounds like you need to find a like-minded lady (a gent would cut down on the overall gift haul potential from more conservative family elements and we're thinking strategically here) and set up operation get Mr. & Mrs. Zelig free stuff: Agree ahead of time to be married for one year. Register for stuff you both want. Set up the appropriate pre-nup/business contract. Enjoy an economical wedding. Divide your free stuff up per the contract. Live lives as separately or together as you like. Divorce amiably after one year. Write a fantastically raunchy comedic screenplay about the experience. Sell it to the highest bidder. Make your favorite suggestions of stars to play the female lead. Make bank. And buy your own stuff.

    It’s easy really. I don’t know why more people don’t think of this. ;)

  3. i love that idea!!! where do i sign up?!!?