Lahdy fucking dah

have ya heard the news, people? the pope -- yeah, the funny old ex-nazi with a penchant for protecting baby-rapers -- has given his blessing on social networking, saying it's okay for us to indulge in cyberspace as long as we maintain genuine, solid, relationships in the real world.

of course, you are not included in this blessing if you are any of the following:

 -- smart
 -- gay
 -- non-catholic (so all you jews and muslims and buddha lovers can get lost too)
 -- vigilant against catholic sanctioned crimes against our youth

i'm sure there are other categories of people who can piss off, according to the popey pope, but i'm not gonna waste any more time getting into it.  the double standards are still there.  the church is still intent on controlling the masses (read: the stupid).  and shit ain't gonna change unless we start calling them out on their delusionoid idiocy.

Dickmilch

an ooze-instilling synonym for schlongbuttre...

the name of an angst-inspired runaway metal band...

or what you might call your yogurt...

take yer pick.

What the fuck, fellow humans?

ripped from the clearly dope site, i saw this and again, seriously had to question the sanity of my fellow man.

don't get me wrong, i'm a pizza-lovin' dude. in fact, though i maintain an extremely healthy diet, i do allow myself to pig out on pizza every now and then. like benji franklin said, "everything is good in moderation". right?

well, i'm sorry, but pizza and cookies... in the SAME FUCKING FROZEN BOX!?!?!?

nuh uh. that shit don't count. just 'cuz you can think it doesn't make it okay.

otherwise id' be doin' my darndest to get a three way with sarah palin and elizabeth hasselbeck.

Sex, lies & DELUSIONOIDISM

a 1997 penned letter from the vatican that encouraged irish bishops not to report all child abuse cases to the police has been discovered. you can read about this bullshit *here*.

what i don't understand is this:

WHY ISN'T THIS A FUCKING HEADLINE IN EVERY FUCKING NEWSPAPER IN THE WORLD?

why bury it in the 'europe' section. how many americans give a fuck about europe?

exactly.

i hate to seem like i'm picking on the catholic church, but, well, shit, i am picking on the catholic church because that institution is wickedly sick, delusional and downright fucking dangerous.

someone has to keep calling them out.

will you?

when in doubt, just fucking hit 'play' on SET IT OFF

Look! future wife came in the mail!

now if rodale would just follow through and give me her fucking info... jeesh.

Do somethin' new at 32!

why the fuck not? i might not have another 32 years left, so let's get some shit done now!

i'm another year older today -- i feel great, thanks -- and i've always said that when i start losing the desire to learn something new, then that's the day i wanna get hit by a bus. fortunately, that day hasn't ever come... so on i go.

and this year the new hobby is mixing. a buddy of mine hooked me up so i bought some tables and a mixer, then went and dug up some old records at a thrift shop. now i'm busy scratchin', slidin', matchin' and makin' mixes that include the eurythmics (lots of eurythmics), BT, portishead and some funky vocal tracks from a 1950s era instructional guide to music! it may not be armin van buuren at this point, but fuck, i'm doin' somethin' new and exciting and that gives me a great big bonerjam!!!

so quit puttin' off what you wanted to learn yesterday, or last week, or last year even... go out and do that shit now!

dj sky god! anyone?

Idolfied

we had just begun on an otherwise boring five hour long drive when my 19 year old sister brought up the topic of religion.

hm.

most of my family knows my stance on religion (read delusionoidism) and they all know that it's best not to argue with me. in fact, we all pretty much agree to not talk about it, 'cuz many a "conversation" has ended with them crying and running away from me, angry that i would cut so deep with my words.

so i was surprised by this.

but i was even more surprised to find out she didn't really believe in any of that bullshit either.

i almost pissed my pants i was so happy.

and we had a five hour long discussion on everything in life -- where we were, what we did, where we are, what we're doing -- and she told me i was her idol. am her idol.

despite all the fucking dumb shit i've done in my life, all the mistakes, the fuck-ups, the stumbles and falls, she looks up to me.

wow.

Blinded by delusion

another jeebus-touting delusionoid is wasting time "praying" for me (link).

se la vie.

'cuz they just don't stop.

and of course this person (i'm assuming she's female based on the title, but who the fuck knows these days) takes on the assumption that she knows me, that she knows what sort of person i am just based on my adamant (and i'll admit, raucous) non-belief in sky gods, unicorns and fairies.

i get tired of shit like this. really fucking tired.

listen up: the burden of proof is on YOU, sky god believer. YOU. i'm not the one making unrealistic, bronze age declarations. prove to me your sky god exists and i will weigh the evidence just like i would any other important decision. PROVE IT.

oh, wait... you can't.

so stop the judging, judgey mcjudges-a-lot.

and while you're at it, know this:

yes, i know, through the tone of this blog, that i set myself up as a raging, angry, paranoid champion for progress. i know that. i do it on purpose! oh wow, can ya believe that?!? it's a fucking choice! i do it so people are more likely to pay attention, 'cuz let's face it, unless there's some sort of drama, or explosion or naked body part, it's really fucking hard to get people to pay attention to ANYTHING these days (why else do you think the bible is full of baby raping, murder and sodomy?)

but the main point is this: in a world governed by certain truths (i.e. gravity, relativity, simple math, et. al) your churchy religion shit just don't hold up to proper vetting.

and THAT'S a fucking fact.

PS, if you're gonna lambaste me on the internets, the least you could do is give me a link. good grief. reciprocation. RECIPROCATION, mang... that's what makes a  pleasant world go 'round. and i don't need no sky daddy to make me believe that.

Have ya ever had a bad case of the orangey vaj?

Can it be? yes. YES! another fucking max cavalera hit!

been a while since i posted an awesome max tune.... well, here's one for the fucking ages, mang!

Just one reason why arrested development is the best fucking show ever

Lil wayne's thoughts after reading the bible in the joint

"I also read the Bible for the first time. It was deep! I liked the parts where some character was once this, but he ended up being that. Like he'd be dissing Jesus, and then he ends up being a saint. That was cool."

(rolling stones link)

---

dude, lil wayne, i totally feel ya. that thing is FULL of some CRAZY ASS STORIES YO! first a bush is a bush, then it's on fire... TALKING! then there's a huge ass flood that covers the planet in water and eventually it dried up without leaving ANY geological evidence. and don't even GET me started on god's power trip where he tells abraham to kill HIS OWN FUCKING SON!

there's a million of dem crazy ass stories in there, dude. or, a "mili" as you'd say...

Press your fucking luck

when i lived in china i spent a lot of time doing research at a series of buddhist and daoist temples and was consistently amused at the amount of wayward folk spending time at the altars of the god of wealth and the god of luck (both entities exists in each religion).

they'd crowd around in droves, fighting one another for the opportunity to give offerings to these "gods" and then leave feeling lucky... like they'd end up getting money or some awesome thing in return for their tributary efforts.

what.

the.

fuck.

i know humans have the ability to be completely fucking stupid, but i also have some sort of innate faith in our species' ability to see through the bullshit, to really know that ya can't get something for nothing, that the idea of some invisible sky daddy just randomly showering me with FUCKING MONEY and GOOD FORTUNE is as believable as a talking snake and a worldwide flood that left no geological evidence.

then sometimes i'm just like, "ah fuck it, give me a beer."

Well this pretty much sums up where fucking evolution has gotten us. HOLLA!!!

If ya wanna pick a hero to worship...

... don't pick pansy ass jesus.

don't pick staunch and stubborn mohammed.

forget that trippy hippy buddha.

follow han fucking solo.

now THAT'S a fucking hero.

Melatonin side effects

for the last month, i've been tryin' to cut back on my old sleeping aids (steve green, wine, benadryl) in favor of something more healthy; so, naturally, melatonin answered the bell again.

after some extended, exclusive use of melatonin, i am experiencing the following side effects:

1. an extended tolerance for religious delusionoids

(i recently spent an entire weekend surrounded by them and didn't open my mouth in defiance ONCE. i was being a polite guest, of course, but still)

2. an enlightened, invigorated spark first thing in the morning

(sleeping so well for so long has taken my morning-person persona and kicked it up a notch. this is a good thing)

3. an abundance of vivid, detailed, EXTREMELY realistic dreams revolving around my ex-girlfriend

(the other day i woke up in the middle of the night clutching a pillow i believed to be her; when i realized it wasn't her i picked up my phone and almost called her to ask "where are you?"... i can't believe how real it was. so, so real)

4. an increase in mid-day erections

(this speaks for itself i believe)

5. an overall increase in perceived health

so, yeah, if i were a doctor i'd recommend it to all my patients. though, a good mix of steve green every once in a while wouldn't hurt either.

;-)

Rearranging priorities (or, how i really don't give a fuck about that anymore)

well, i think i've finally had enough -- enough of the dating merry-go-round that is.

for now, anyway.

sure it was a good ride there for a minute, juggling a couple handfuls of potential women while projecting myself as some high falutin cassanova... but in the end, for myriad reasons, none of 'em really stuck. and to be honest, i simply got burned out.

oh fucking well.

i ain't gonna cry about it. and of course, i'm gonna keep my eyes open in case serendipity comes a knockin', but the more i think about it, the more i think focusing on finding a compatible mate might be a waste of my fucking time. i mean, the time and money spent on courting women adds up. it sure fucking adds up... and in the recent time it's been adding up i haven't found much happiness at all, mostly because it's all a fucking crapshoot -- and in crapshoots, you can't control anything but the allowance for randomness.

i do know this: i'm happiest when i'm focusing on the things i can control. my running regimen has become euphoric. my marathon training is halfway through and i finish every single long run wanting more, and more, and more.

so i'm going to run a 50 mile race in july. my legs are begging for it. maybe by late 2011 or early 2012 i'll even be ready for a 100 miler. i have learned, in recent months, that my body can handle more pain than most people's, that i have the guile to fight fatigue, that my physiology was destined to endure. so i'm gonna fucking take advantage of it.

outside of my writing projects, i can't think of anything else i'd rather be working hard for right now. besides, there are lots of cute hardbody female runners out there. and i think the chances that i connect with one of them one of these days is pretty strong.

and if not?

who fucking gives a shit.

Sky God! survival kit

yep. this'll do 'er.

caught this pic on the clearly dope site, decided to steal it for myself.

i'll be headin' out of town soon and besides my running shoes, i was forgetting what to pack. not anymore.

the above will work just fine.

and, by the way, that's not just a cigar.

that's a fucking blunt.

"You're a dick"

(click to enlarge)

(via SMBC)

PET PEEVE OF MINE #456:

the fucking fish sign on cars.

the above 'toon makes it worthwhile though.

Fucking badass

Two conflicting messages to ponder while pissing at villian's in the south loop

Bonerjammed again!

i know, i know... i've done enough raving about the splendid works of constance k., but i just can't stop! she keeps churnin' out the fucking hits, man!

like this one!

its name is geometry 2011, but ya might as well call it bonerjam city for what it does to my imagination!

(via constance k.)

While ya worry about what you're NOT accomplishing...

...remember to look at what you ARE accomplishing.

now i don't mean to get all preachy -- SKYGOD! FUCKING FORBID I EVER GET PREACHY -- but i have been known to spend too much time worrying and complaining about worthless shit when i could have been enjoying what's right in front of my fucking face.

hmm... let's see... personally speaking:

i feel good. genuinely... i'm in good health. i have the use of all my limbs, all my senses. i am able to run every day. i eat well. i have family and friends who got my back if i need 'em. i have a home -- a nice, warm place to sleep every night. i have the ability to write every day... and i have readers (both here and in the baseball interwebs) who are genuinely interested in what i have to say.

oh, and i can fuck like a rockstar if i have to.

so there. what's missing? a paycheck for my passions? sure. but i can still pursue those dreams, those goals, with my head held high, knowing that i got it pretty good right fucking now.

BAM!

now i fucking feel better.

go ahead. try it. see for yourself.

(photo by constance k.)

rock and a hard place

you know me. i fucking hate cats. i hate them so much.

but i can't hold back my smiley laughter after seein' the above.

sometimes i wonder... do people stage these internet memey pics?

i'd be a real fucking idiot to think they're all genuine... but shit, this one looks legit as hell. i mean, how ya get a fucking idiot cat to do... well, anything, on command?

(image via skull swap)

Pick up the fuckin' pieces, dude.

i was fuckin' around in the kitchen, thinking about being proactive in, well, everything i can, when this song came on.

i just stopped and danced. in the kitchen. like one of those disco era background dancers. real cheesy moves and shit. i love when things like that happen.

i fucking love it.

HAPPY FUCKING FRIDAY!

Some love for chells bells

you can call her chelsea, i'll call her chells bells... that is, until she gets that restraining order. AGAIN.

anyway, chells... she writes girlpocalypse. and no, silly, girlpocalypse isn't just for girls. it's for smart people. and girls. and guys, who like to... do girls.

oh whatevs. it's funny. just read it.

The thing about the pope is...

... he doesn't have anything (nothing -- not ONE, FUCKING, THING) to back up his claim that "The universe is not the result of chance, as some would want to make us believe. Contemplating it (the universe) we are invited to read something profound into it: the wisdom of the creator, the inexhaustible creativity of God."

except... um... well...

you're talkin crazy outchya ASS.

and you have no evidence to back your insane claim.

because that's what it is -- your religion and pomp and circumstance built to deceive, take and silence -- it's fucking insane.

Sunfreakz

what do i want? what do i fuckin' want? i want an imaginary object -- a woman who makes me feel like sophia here feels.

These crazy delusionoids run powerful countries!!!

tony blair.

george dubya.

the pope.

i don't care what position they have/had. they're all fucking crazy to any sensible, rational person. and we allow them and people like them to have the power to fight wars on our behalf. we do that.

we allow it.

and we ought to be ashamed.

Omg this song makes me feel like a randy kid!

of course, i'm not kidding, muthafucka! i downloaded a shit-ton of ke$ha songs, just to say i did, and by fucking golly if i didn't jump out my seat the first time i heard this. old memories of virgin skirt chasing and smoking weed before going to see any movie of any kind ever... ah... to be a fucking kid again...

A jedi was slain here

my friend and i were walking through logan square the other day when we happened upon the remains of a slain jedi:

someone had surely run off with his lightsaber by the time we got there.

there was nothing we could do.

"Embarrassed By My Species"

the following is a piece cross-posted from my alter ego's rsbs blog. its message is universal.

- - -

Society reeks of the weak.

They might not be everywhere all the time, but the stench of just one weak minded individual has the ability to stamp out all that is good in any given arena, be it physical or mental.

Sometimes the weak throw beer on ballplayers from the bleachers, sometimes they issue fatwas because someone exercised creative license in regard to an archaic lifestyle, and sometimes they walk into Safeway and murder people in droves.

While such instances might not seem like everyday occurrences, let me assure you, they are.  We might not hear about every instance, every day, from every corner of the planet; but it seems that the inability to exact rational thought is something that has hindered mankind since... well... since even before we were called 'mankind'.

Okay, then, what the hell can we do about it?  What is the solution?  The problem is easily identified, but how do we even begin the process of fixing it?

I don't have the answer. 

Apparently, no one does.

Tragedy continues to strike at the sloppy hands of the weak.

We may not have the answers yet, but if we make a stronger effort to think, to listen, to have compassion for our fellow man -- on an individual level -- maybe progress can be made.

At the very least, making a personal vow to do the above is a proactive step.  And as a species, we need to be as proactive as we possibly can, before it's too late.

Gotta spit the troof

humility is a humble trait.

duhhhh.

but here these things don't exist, because i feel like too many people curb their thoughts -- what they really are thinking -- and i really think that i'm smarter than most people.

mostly 'cuz i fucking am.

my point is this: i have found a foolproof way to live and find happiness in any fucking thing. i've been so low you think i'd never come back up... but i fucking made it. and i continue to make it.

i'm proof that people CAN be made stronger, smarter, better.

and it's important people recognize this trend and try to emulate it. we'd fix so many of the problems if we just sifted through all the weak minded.

A pre-primer primer

as i draft a larger body of work tentatively titled "zelig skykiller's primer for women on dating men" -- a well constructed, thought-out piece of prose that i've been diligently working on with the hope that it can one day be my opus (half kidding) -- i realize i just can't wait to share some of this. that's right. just like religious zealot delusionoidism, some of this shit must be stopped. now.

now.

LADIES, the following is is my opinion, BUT, let me assure you, my opinion is shared by the sorts of gentlemanly company a young professional like me would be expected to keep -- the types of men i assume respectable women want to settle down with. ya with me?

FIRST DATE DON'TS:

number 1:

LADIES, if he likes you, he'll want to pay the whole fucking bill, so don't stop him from doing that. this is how we show our chivalry. you can't take this away from us. we have to do this to feel right, to move on to the next step. you can offer to help pay once. ONCE. and that's it. if he kindly rejects your offer, your next move must be to shut up about it. say 'thanks'. then shut up about it. DON'T keep pestering to help pay the bill, to make it clear that you're all about equality between genders. because as you do this, he is losing interest in you long-term faster than the pope can hide a pedophile priest. i'm all for gender equality, but when it comes to relationships -- especially in the early goings on -- someone must take the reigns and make decisions, so that the playing field is even. if we each adhere to our traditional roles -- AT LEAST EARLY ON -- then personalities will be able to truly stand out because there's no need to weed through all the fucking bullshit.

also, arguing with a man on a first date probably isn't going to win you his favor anyway, so... yeah. don't do that.

number 2:

LADIES, don't talk about sex on the first date (save it for the second or third, haha). and DEFINITELY don't talk about sex you've had with other people (especially specifics). this goes for relationships PERIOD and should be followed AT ALL TIMES. we're all adults. we've all fucked other people. but if you want a man long-term you cannot allow him to ever see specific images in his head of you fucking somebody else. you just can't. it's the most awful gut-wrenching worst thing imaginable. we men, we like to stick our chests out when we walk. it's hard to fucking do that when you can't shake visuals of some other dude fucking the woman you love.

so don't fucking allow that to happen.

you have the power. you know it. so don't be dumb about it.

yes. we are men, therefore we have piggish tendencies. but let me tell ya, most of us just want the company of one. and really, all we want is sex. deprive us of sex and you're signing your own relationship death warrant. because we will get sex if you don't give it on a reasonably consistent basis...

of course, i will get into that later.

What the fuck, stephen

been thinkin' a lot lately about how ke$ha is probably the perfect mate for me. yeah. i think that much is obvious.

so, naturally, every time i realize there are idiots out there like stephen -- as mentioned in the song below -- it hurts just that much more that i'll never have a shot.

but don't count me out yet. i'm still thinkin'...

There once was a basset hound...

... that was born of a virgin basset bitch. her stud, a carpenter basset named joe, was kinda pissed, but he got over it once he found out there were a lot of free doggie bones in it for him if he kept his fucking mouth shut.

---

we had a basset hound growing up. it was fucking jesus-like. except, y'know, none of the crazy stuff.

A great new bonerjam!

lots of times i like to keep my favorite websites to myself, so i can hoard all their primal goodness for me me me!!! not knowing if others in the universe have even a clue.

but then, sometimes, i can't help but share.

and right now it would be a goddamn fucking shame if i didn't let you know about hot chicks in batman shirts. here are some samples. hide that bonerjam... if you can. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

This applies to a lot of things

Stop it, ****, before i whoop ya. How many perfect people do you know? I know zero. I've failed WAY MORE EPICALLY in life thus far, but that doesn't make me an idiot or a bad person or a failure; in fact, it makes me better, stronger, smarter... and ultimately, more successful. So do your best to curb the negativity (I know it's not easy; no one said it would be)... but you have to attack the failures in life with as much gusto as the successes.

that's some advice i gave a young friend of mine recently who was beating herself up over a stupid (but in the grand scheme of things MINOR) mistake.

now THAT'S some shit i can believe in.


(and i'm really sorry i used "epically". i was trying to relate.)

Things carl sagan said...

"It is far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring."

Things carl sagan said...

"Superstition and pseudoscience keep getting in the way, providing easy answers, dodging skeptical scrutiny, casually pressing our awe buttons and cheapening the experience, making us routine and comfortable practitioners as well as victims of cruelty. The tenets of skepticism do not require an advanced degree to master, as most successful used car buyers demonstrate."

Things carl sagan said...

"Life is but a momentary glimpse of the wonder of this astonishing universe, and it is sad to see so many dreaming it away on spiritual fantasy."

Oh, good grief, do i gotta tell ya again???

because you religious delusionoid folk DO NOT FUCKING LISTEN, let me write it out again, this time using the carefully scribed words of a contemporary:

"The only position that leaves me with no cognitive dissonance is atheism. It is not a creed. Death is certain, replacing both the siren-song of Paradise and the dread of Hell. Life on this earth, with all its mystery and beauty and pain, is then to be lived far more intensely: we stumble and get up, we are sad, confident, insecure, feel loneliness and joy and love. There is nothing more: but I want nothing more."

Ayaan Hirsi Ali

now, is that fucking clear enough for ya????

Noah's ark theme park? get fuckin' real, man

some religious delusionoids are building a noah's ark theme park.

okay. i get it. it's just a theme park. i shouldn't be bothered by it. i'm being a bit of a boob for harping on it.

but it really fucking bugs me.

not because they're building a theme park based on the story of noah's ark.

it bothers me that these fuckers believe that shit is real, that a bazillion species got on a fucking boat and ran around the world while the earth filled up entirely of water for forty days and forty nights.

and now, with their big water park, they can convince even more persuadable folks to follow down their mutual path of FUCKTARDEDNESS.

it's fucking stupid.

I'm the ass manager you're lookin' for

leg man, boob man, ass man... these seem to be the three major "types" of hetero dudes. and though i'm definitely fond of legs and boobs and all of that, for me, the ass is the dealbreaker. i dunno why exactly, but i can be completely hypnotized by a nice ass.

COM... PLETE... LY

so i think i'm gonna apply for this job.

wish me luck! and show me dat ass!