This reminds me of...

... that time a christian delusionoid bombarded me with emails, trying to save my soul after reading one or two Sky God! posts.

he would write and write and write and i'd reply reply reply but he simply didn't listen to anything i was actually saying because he was being "driven" by the "voices" of invisible sky daddies (assuming jesus and "god" are separate? but wait, they're not... but they... nevermind). any other time someone does something crazy because "voices" tell him to do so, we -- as a learned society -- are quite quick to dismiss him as DELUSIONAL.

anyway, his main point for christianity being the be-all and end-all was that without it, there would be no moral structure for the universe. apparently he missed the tens of thousands of years that came before a bunch of old dudes found it was easier to control the masses by writing a propagandist book that didn't make much sense, but was fun cuz it had lots of sexy incest scenes???

but i'll never forget how worried he was... that, in a world without christianity... bestiality would run RAMPANT! he kept talking about bestiality... that without the bible as the true word of god, humans would fornicate with bears and dogs and horses!

seriously? this is what we're up against?

it just goes to prove that if you slam any old nonsense down a delusionoid's throat and attach it to "GOD", then dude will gladly (and blindly) accept, even if it's fucking ludicrous.

Going all in

this weekend is gonna be pretty special for me. not only am i takin' a few days off from the daily grind, but i'm also gonna head down to st. louis, spend some quality time with family and then top it all off by running the st. louis marathon on sunday the 10th.

i've spent the last 18 weeks training diligently, through snow, sleet, ice, hail, bitter cold and fatigue. i've endured shin splints, piriformis syndrome and a wickedly unforgiving thunderstorm boasting 35 mph winds during a 20 mile training run that was intent on making me an i-give-up-pussy.

i NEVER gave up. i ALWAYS gave my best. and in doing so, i've gotten exponentially faster. i'm as fit as i've ever been in my entire life and by golly, from all that core work i actually have a six pack now! (just icing on the cake)

but on sunday morning at 7 a.m., all of that preparation will be behind me. it will be stored... locked and loaded, held deep within me, to propel me forward at 7 minutes a mile for 26.2 miles.

i hope.

and even if i don't reach that lofty time goal (st. louis is quite a hilly course), i will still have plenty to be happy about. i mean, my pops will be there and i'll be traipsing through one of my favorite cities on earth.

but there's no negativity in my game right now.

i'm gonna run the shit outta that race.

My younger universe

if you insert legendary st. louis cardinal shorstop ozzie smith into the above photo, you would have a clear window into my worldview for the first 6 or so years of my life.

star wars.

sesame street.

st. louis cardinals baseball.

that was it. i believed space ships were real, big yellow birds could talk, and ozzie smith could hear my thoughts.

it was during this time that i was also coerced into believing in talking snakes, that all the animals in the world fit into one fucking boat and that some hippie dude named jesus saved a party by turning water into wine.

it's hard to turn around after being indoctrinated, squashed with fear and told that one's natural thoughts and feelings are bad. and that's a big fucking stain on the shirt of logic.

Finally, a jeebus i find interesting

i wouldn't put it past the church of delusionoids out there to try and spice jeebus up a little bit. i mean, that rob bell fella seems to be doing something similar to that.

problem is, you can't just pick and choose what parts of the bible you wanna follow. i mean, using the christian argument that "the bible is the holy word of god" makes it impossible for you to eschew the parts where daddy rapes his daughters and it's cool and all yet embrace the part where jeebus says "turn the other cheek".

no. it's either all, or nothin'.

and since common sense would lead an educated person to conclude it's NOTHIN', i see no harm in introducing cyborg pirate ninja jeebus to the world.

in fact, it might even be fun.

(image via skull swap)

What happens when you take the red pill?

this.

this happens.

New yorker's top annoyances

i would also add donald trump and the new york mets to this list, but they definitely nailed the hipster part.

(image via skull swap)

Understanding sexy time... when young

i discovered my pops' playboy cache when i was about eight. it was like finding the holy grail.

from my earliest memory, i knew i was into chicks. i had a crush on every babysitter and i'd blush when they touched me... cuz i liked it.

but it wasn't until i found daddy's cache of skin shots that i really knew. it was bonerjam city, and i never looked back.

looking at those naked pictures became a somewhat regular habit of mine, for many years. it wasn't until we moved and i couldn't find his new hiding spot that i went without.

and, contrary to what the conservative right says about the naked body, i never thought it dirty. i never thought looking at those playboys was a bad thing. it was a good thing. it enlightened me, really. it made me bow down to the female form, to respect it for all its lusciousness.

some people call that objectifying... i don't. i call it admiration.

there's no reason to shy away from the truth of sex and there's definitely no reason to shield our youth from the realities of life. i'm not saying teach kids how the "plumbing" works as toddlers, but when kids ask questions about their bodies and about how babies are made, i think it's appropriate for us to tell them the truth and explain these things like we would anything else that is inherent to our being.

(image via ihmp)

Finally took a penny

was at the convenience store and bought a banana. indian dude says, "dat will be one dollar one cent, please."

i have a $20 and a $1. that's it. so i panicked... THEN i saw the penny dish there... ya know, the one you put your unwanted pennies in.

i took one. handed it and the $1 bill to the man and walked out.

and as i walked down the cold, broad street, i realized: that was the first time in my entire fucking life that i've taken a penny out of the dish. first time. ever.

i'd put countless pennies in and never taken one out.

now i'm takin' them motherfuckers out every chance i get.

Happy trails

since i'll be tackling at least two trail ultramarathons this season, i decided i better get my ass out to run some trails sometime soon. so a few days ago i went out to the palos hills forest preserves and ran like a wild man through the forest.

it was fucking unbelievably fantastic. i'm not speaking in hyperbole. i'm for real. it was a fucking blast!

running downhills on rocks and roots and grass and mud, as fast as you can go! the trees, the leaves, the wind in your face... i ran across a coyote den -- a mama and two cubs who ran off after seeing me, only to be waiting on the side of the trail at a safe distance upon my return!!!

it was awesome. definitely doing more of that.

defini-fucking-nitely

Fight the urge

as someone who has had to battle depression on many levels, at many different times in his life, i can honestly say that staying in bed ain't the fucking answer. it only makes things worse.

believe me, i know the feeling of not wanting to do anything or care about anything or be anything... and it's contagious. allow it to seep into your psyche -- just a little bit -- and before long you're sad drunk listening to philip glass, wondering why you even try.

FIGHT!

don't let yourself be sucked in by misery.

FIGHT THAT SHIT!

GET OUTTA BED! GET THE BLOOD PUMPING! DO SOMETHING NICE FOR SOMEONE FOR NO REASON AT ALL.

enjoy. every. day.