Opposite movie

those crazy fucking brits had another contest... this one was to come up with the best "opposite" movie title/poster.

who knew it would be this easy?

my favorite part of this movie is when a half-jackal half-clownfish is birthed by a woman in the beginning, bearing the mark of the beast "666"...

man, those fucking judeo-christians are imaginative folks!

HAM BUT

memorial day weekend means race weekend... i guess. i was at a buddy's house watching formula one cars practice (why watching practice is interesting i'll never know) and it took me a good twenty minutes before i realized the three letter combos in the top left of the screen were shortened versions of the drivers' actual names and not some elementary joke that i couldn't stop laughing at.

HAM BUT! git back here ya darned ham butt!

How to not get any work done

i may not believe in god but this would present one of those 'oh lord' moments...

You're missing the point b-shoc

"a lot of people think that you can't have fun praisin' god. but we're here to show them different. this is fun."
-- b-shoc, christian rapper extraordinaire

hmm. is this fun? really? i don't know. seems pretty lame to me. i mean, all b-shoc is doing is copying what's popular in secular culture (which doesn't make it good music by the way) and substituting money, cash, hoes with jesus, god, souls.

it's fucking retarded.

if you really wanna praise sky daddy with your music, why not just.... be original?

now there's a novel thought.

but in case you like lame-ass white rappers who think they're cool by running their voices through autotune, go ahead and knock yourself out.... just do me a favor and actually -- and LITERALLY -- knock yourself out.

thanks.

Schrodinger's prophet

oh, those crazy fuckin' brits are up to it again. this time they got me in stitches!

i studied the schrodinger's cat theory when i was in high school and thought i was pretty hot shit.

and now, more than a decade later, being such hot shit pays off... 'cuz i get this joke.

and i love it.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

What my sister's birth taught me about algebra

one of my younger sisters is graduating soon, and it has me thinking... a lot... specifically, about the day she was born.

i was 13 years old. a cocky, know-it-all, skin and bones dork of a kid. and i had a crush on my algebra teacher.

she was smokin' hot. brunette, petite, smiled a lot. i'd sit and stare and stare and stare at her the entire hour.

so when she put her hand on my shoulder, leaned down and looked me straight in the eye to tell me my little sister had just been born, i didn't even hear her. i was wondering if my hard-on could possibly get any bigger... or, if she'd notice.

i'm not sure my sister would really appreciate knowing that the heralding of her existence to me is tied into my adolescent fantasy sexcapades... but fuck, that's how life is, y'know.

besides, all the kids... they're all fuckin' themselves these days, so i ain't sweatin' it.

Best tattoo ever

i'm seriously considering getting the invisible spaghetti monster tatted on my shoulder, to go along with the tatts i already have on my arm. i'd want to transform the spaghetti monster into a tribal-esque design though... so i'm workin' on it.

if and when it is actually cut into my body i will share pics.

believe dat!

Finding faith in kafka

"As Gregor Samsa awoke from unsettling dreams one morning, he found himself transformed in his bed into a monstrous vermin."

i gotta say, franz kafka is one of my favorite writers of all time... and the above passage might be the best opening line in any work of fiction i've ever read. for whenever i'm down, feelin' blue, or just not havin' a good day, i can turn to the works of kafka (mostly extrapolations of his very own life) and realize i'm not nearly as fucked up as i  once thought i was.

from what i can tell, kafka was a closet atheist. one couldn't be open about it back then like you can today. he seemed to use the language of the church to point out its downfalls while still maintaining some semblance of piety... to look good, y'know.

of course, i'm just guessing on this... maybe he was one of the crazies... but in the meantime, i will continue to find some morbid sense of atheistic peace in his writings.

if nothing else, the dude had balls. he wrote an entire novella about life in america having never been to america and his manuscript is so full of holes that any person who had ever been to america would immediately know he was absolutely full of shit.

but he didn't care.

and i respect that.

Church of our lord beavis christ

now this is a church i could possibly belong to.

• instead of communion we all smoke a communal bowl
• fuck that organ shit, let's rock out to ac/dc
• homily? we ain't got no fucking homily. just laugh to yourself in that beavis voice, "yeah, hot chicks, yeah!"

(image via skull swap)

Ain't nuthin' like summer in the chi

i love chicago.

it's big enough to get lost in but not big enough to consume you. each neighborhood acts as an independent territory... one knows where he is based on the neighborhood and i really dig that.

the winters are a bitch. a big fucking slut-face bitch.

but ain't nuthin like summer in the chi.

i was standing on the library station platform the other day and snapped this pic. i'm pretty proud of it. that's my fuckin' town.

huzzah!

The golden rule, bitches

it amazes me that our species has gotten so far and accomplished so much towards the continuing realm of progress; yet at the same time, as a whole, we still can't exercise the most basic, most practical, most beneficial life-guiding maxim:

do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

i learned this in fucking kindergarten.

now, i will freely admit: i didn't really get it until i was about 27 years old... but once i got it, i really got it. everything sort of made sense after that. i didn't have to question my every move anymore. it was quite the mind-freeing experience.

and nowadays i treat others how i would want to be treated and it fucking works!

but on a large, worldwide scale, we are not even close to putting such good advice in practice.

why? what's the fucking problem? we put a man on the moon but can't stop murdering our fucking neighbors?

differences. intolerance. hate.

all tenets (okay, maybe not tenets, but definitely by-products) of religion... like it or not.

my advice? ditch jesus, muhammad and whatever other invisible friend ya wanna cling to and stick to the golden rule.

ya can't ever go wrong in that.

Sign my ass up!

hell yes i'll join the empire... but i gotta fly with this chick.

that's the deal.

i mean, when ya start tempting star wars dorks with sexy imagery, all hope is probably lost for those wussy rebels anyway.

bam!

Saul, david and the dumbest fucking thing i've ever heard

time for another bible reading, folks. today we examine the fucking idiocy of 1 samuel 18, verses 20-27:

this passage (you can read the whole thing by clickin' the link above) basically tells us how saul gave his daughter to david, how david was allowed to become king.

it's a fucking joke.

y'see, david was a good guy (sorta)... but like so many of us, he was a poor boy. no money. couldn't afford the big dowry that a king's daughter (in this case michal) would certainly require.

no money? dontcha fuckin' worry, davey. king saul's got a mighty proposition for ya in verse 25:

"the king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the philistines, to be avenged of the king's enemies."

actually, this was a trick, to get david to be killed by the philistines. i mean, who's gonna let some fucking asshole jerkwad come up and rip his foreskin off, let alone ONE HUNDRED FUCKING FORESKINS.

well, david did just that. times two. david wasn't fuckin' around. he wanted to bang michal, and if it took one hundred philistine foreskins to do it, fuck it, he gave the king TWO HUNDRED FUCKING FORESKINS.

now, is that not the dumbest fucking thing you've ever heard? you expect me to believe this shit? this is fucking crazy. if i wrote that shit in a book now and tried to sell the idea as truth people would laugh in my face.

but in this case, all ya gotta do is stay in a motel 6 and you'll find this story in a drawer on your nightstand... pushed as the way, the truth, the light.

i'd let the dallas cowboys ass fuck me for weeks straight before i admitted to any of that shit being anywhere NEAR the way, truth, light.

The muhammad drawing compilation

i highly recommend checking out the results of the draw muhammad compilation that the friendly atheist put up. he didn't use my muhammad, but that's cool 'cuz all those posted are pretty brilliant (plus i dropped a pretty big f-bomb in mine -- as is my style -- and he keeps his place real nice and clean and i can respect that).

anyway, lots of good pics there, but this stick man one here is my fav.

holla!

David & goliath... explained

(click to enlarge)

"that is an unknowable mystery"

yep. i've heard THAT bullshit before.

:-)

(via smbc)

Bull punch that bitch! i'm american!

here's a bit of randomness:

as an american living in china, the top three questions asked of me from the native chinese were as follows:

3. do you know michael jordan?

2. how many mansions do you have?

1. how many guns do you own?

by the end of my four years there i was telling people i had three pistols, two machine guns, a cannon and a howitzer... that i owned a condo in every state and four of those neighbored condos owned by... yep, you guessed it... michael fucking jordan.

(image via engrish funny)

Another one of dem star wars related orgasm-makers

excuse me while i go clean up.

Busy hater

here's some fucktard who hates everything...

...in the name of sky daddy, of course.

seems to me that if there were such a thing as god, this god... ???he/she/it??? wouldn't hate anyone. or anything.

hating is such a stupid, backwards, anti-progressive idea.

but no one does more of it than religious folks.

and that's the FUCKING truth.

(image via ihmp)

No, don't waste your time praying 4 me

there i was, minding my own business on the train. the train stopped. i looked up. on the station wall was a big ass poster that said "CAN WE PRAY 4 U?"

i almost threw up on myself before i went for my camera to snap a pic of this abomination but by the time i was ready the train had moved on.

but if you live in the chi, you'll probably start seeing this around town. i guess it's a pretty big movement in the u.k. already.

first of all, if i believed that talking to an invisible sky daddy would get me all the things i wanted in life i would probably do it out of pure human selfishness alone, but there is not a shred of evidence that such a thing actually occurs. this makes all the time, effort and money put into this can we pray 4 u bullshit campaign a terribly awful example of how to appropriate cash to a cause. said dough would be much better spent with the red cross or the gates foundation or whatevs.

second (and probably most importantly), just because you are free to believe in spaghetti monsters and fairies and unicorns doesn't mean you should be free to tattoo my environment with your uppity claims to have some higher connection, some higher push on the world and all its events... through fucking prayer of all things. if prayer works and it's so great then why didn't god answer prayers asking him to STOP FUCKING ALLOWING THOSE PEDOPHILE PRIESTS FROM RAPING AND SODOMIZING INNOCENT YOUNG CHILDREN!?!?!?!

world famine, wars, terrorism, why i haven't been laid for a few months... DONTCHA THINK GOD OUGHTTA GET HIS SHIT TOGETHER AND START ANSWERING SOME OF THESE FUCKING PRAYERS?????

i don't think god -- if there were one (there's not) -- really has the time to grant me my petty wants and "needs"... not while the rest of the fucking world is engorged in self-destructive chaos.

Google seriously knows that shit? i'm impressed.

(click to enlarge)

Wine, jackson pollock... paint

i'm an art lover.

i get into that sort of thing. i love to jump into a piece. dissect it. understand it. feel it. live it. experience it.

but no matter how hard i try, all i see when i look at jackson pollock's work is... drunkeness.

maybe that's what he was tryin' to say:

"hey everyone, i'm drunk"

me too, jackson. me too.

:-)

Mullet dash!!!

okay, quick, as fast as you can, top three mullets that come to your mind!

my list:

1. mitch williams

2. miley cyrus' dad (billy bob? ray. billy ray. yes!)

3. mc-fucking-gruber

I drew my muhammad!!!

yay! i did it! fuck you muhammad! i denounce you!

whew. i survived writing all that. it's a miracle!

if you aren't up to date on the muhmmad drawing fiasco, check out the friendly atheist for more.

in the meantime, don't hesitate to get out your sketch pad (or, in my case, microsoft paint) and get to work on your best muhammad pic.

hope you enjoy mine above!

Satan's got a book too

and let us not forget:

the satanic bible is fucking crazy... yes.

but it is not NEARLY as fucking crazy as the real bible... y'know, the one that said all the animals in all the world got on a boat and floated around for several years while the earth was covered in water.

now that is some crazy ass shit.

(image via i hate my parents)

There's something wrong with this picture?

i originally saw this on 9GAG with the caption "bikini fail" and for the next five minutes i stared at this picture trying to figure out what the "fail" was... flabby ass? poor tan lines? split ends?

i'm a fuckin' dork sometimes.

:-)

What happened to my u.s. america?

i live in a big city and i often go weeks, months, without leaving it. so i can get a bit out of touch with the rest of the world.

for example, i didn't know you still can't buy liquor on sundays in many parts of indiana -- and many other places!

what... the... FUCK?!?

how is it anyone's business when and where i'm drinking? how can anyone dictate how i would like to spend my $39.99 on a sunday morning (i sorta have the edge on the sunday morning bottle of johnnie walker run market)???

no one has that right... and knowing that this asinine rule is rooted in the delusions of sky daddy lovers with -- at most -- 8th grade educations from two centuries ago, i think it's time we break from the bullshit and get into the business of being free individuals.

and if that don't work just move to chicago where there are lots of places to buy alcohol before sunday school starts.

2833 n. milwaukee, the chi

i was in logan square last night to see a buddy perform some tunes and i came out of the joint and directly across the street from me was this creatively disturbing abomination of a sign:

that's a dentist (i presume) in his pj's usin' a rusty toothbrush to clean 'dem chompers. and that's a fairy on the left. the toof fairy i believe.

logan square is known to be hipster... i just didn't know it was THIS hipster.

fuck yeah.

and if you wanna go there while you're in the chi, here's their website.

Suddenly i wanna learn another language

i love to surf the interwebs... it's a hobby of mine. i find a lot of shit. sometimes i run across something cool. and every now and then i stumble over genius...

like *this website*

it took me a while to figure out why i had the sudden yet strong desire to learn a new language... a desire that was lacking when explored via other sites.

then i figured it out:

i have a dick.

:-)

Random reminder that muslims are crazy

of course, they're all crazy... jews, christians, hindus... nuts, all of 'em... but the muslims are the craziest.

so they require me to send out a random reminder:

remember, their canon calls for punishing all non-muslims by death. not kidding.

remember, their penalty for leaving and/or denouncing the religion is... death.

remember, making note of the two above, islam is certainly a religion of peace... as long as you believe the bullshit they preach. for those of us learned, level-headed free-thinkers, according to truly devout muslims, the only peace we deserve is...

FUCKING DEATH.

OceanLab -- "Come Home"

musically, i go through phases. lots of 'em. one week it's all phillip glass. the next i'm focusing on dimebag pantera riffs. after that, puccini.

and right now, i can't stop getting a hard-on from oceanlab's "come home" off the sirens of the sea remixed album.

it's been six long, treacherous yet ecstatic years that i stopped rollin' and livin' that unrated club life -- the one that got me in so much trouble...

but goddamn it if i don't still love the music from the scene.

i can never get enough vocal trance. if above & beyond could hook up with max cavalera and dolores o'riordan to create the funkiest trance mix ever i would definitely give up a nut for that.

Skeletor revolution!

fuck he-man, gimme skeletor!

seriously, i cannot be the only one who feels this strongly about the NEED to bring back skeletor and all skeletorial imagery and/or branding.

why the fuck not?

batman, ironman, superman, spiderman...

FUCK 'EM ALL GIMME SKELETOR!!!

the dude is a fucking skeleton head with the ripped body of something anatomically impossible. and he cackles. that fucking rules.

i know i'm not alone in this.

let us unite. really. now, you go first.

Jesus turns that water into wine, yo!

these guys are great. just great. enjoy!

(click to enlarge*)

Yeah, i like porn, so what

greta christina is fucking cool. i like her. she's a great writer.

and she wrote this piece about an outlandish porn ultimatum a woman gave her boyfriend, that if he didn't stop watching porn she would leave him.

what a fucking bitch.

no one -- NO FUCKING ONE -- has any business telling me what i can and can't do on my own, private time, as long as i'm not hurting anyone or damaging one's property. those who try to meddle in such matters become personal enemies of mine... often for life.

i dated (wasted my time with) this one girl for over a year and she at one point broke up with me because she discovered (by going through my internet browser's history behind my back) that i had been *GASP* watching PORNOGRAPHY.

oh, no... really? me? a man? ya don't say? me? i watched porn? on the internet? oh shit... holy shit. oh no, no, no, fuck me. FUCK ME! FUCK ME HARDER!!!

and get the fuck out of my life.

Star wars fail

please, someone tell me that patches was part of that prequel bullshit.

Jesus kickin' some serious ass...

a good friend of mine originally found this and i gotta be honest: i can't stop laughin' at it.

'cuz ya know... sure, sometimes jesus listens to what his followers ask... but most of the time he doesn't. right? i mean, he brought us earthquakes in haiti, hurricane katrina, broke my arm (twice) when i was just a toddler, he killed my great uncle in wwii, let my neighbor shoot his own brains out, allows priests to rape boys... and myriad other crazy shit. all the fucking time.

go get 'em , jesus!

Me love it too

probably the hardest thing i've ever done in my entire life was giving up cigarettes.

after 12 years of smoking a pack a day, my last cigarette was on december 30, 2009.

haven't had one since.

fucking hardest thing.

ever.

second hardest thing? not strangling religious people whom i would otherwise consider to be rather intelligent.

(image via engrish funny)

Sign me the fuck up!!!

of the things i absolutely LOVE in this life, BACON certainly makes the top three.

jesus? not even on the radar.

someone give this gal a fucking medal!!!

(image via i hate my parents)

Ave ma-fuckin'-ria, dude

ah.... here i am again... caught somewhere between the crux of religiosity and fantastic, orgasmic art.

they often meld. they're often confused as one. they certainly ain't.

this song is probably one of my favorite tunes of all time... especially when sung by my secret love, dolores o'riordan (i do sincerely love that woman).

so how do i sustain both my disdain for the church and my love for the music that it inspires?

i let go.

i...

just...

let it...

go.

:-)

This ain't no fucking moon... in french

i heard a comedian once say that you can say anything in french and it'll sound good, even if it's nasty... like j'ai eu à prendre une merde poo-poo... or something like that.

works for star wars as well.

this has extra umph because when i get an email via my droid phone obi wan says "that's no moon... it's a space station" and everyone around me stops, stares and worships me.

i dig it.

(seen this image all over the interwebs, so i don't know who to give credit to)

This cannot be said enough...

please, let the madness stop.

let kids think for themselves.

they're not as fucking stupid as you think they are.

(via smbc)

Jesus in the pants?

hmmm. something tells me no one is askin' to begin with... but oh wellz!

(image via skull swap)

My affinity for "fuck"

i love the word "fuck". maybe it's because i was exposed to this word from a very young age (thanks, dad)... i don't know.

i do know that i ruthlessly employ its use whenever possible.

it gives kick. it's an exclamation point without having to use an exclamation point. it makes people listen.

so i ain't gonna fucking stop.

ya fucking feel me?

:-)

"Repeat it after me, bitch!"

i don't expect you to watch this whole thing...

but if ya wanna laugh yer ass off, i'd suggest watching at least a minute or two.

"are ya laughin' now, beotch?"

Vegas & religion... misleading muthafuckas

i just got back from vegas.

sure. it was fun. but i went into it knowing i wasn't gonna come out on top (i didn't).

yeah, i won some bets and was up big at one point but then i ended up blowin' it all on booze and limo rides and shows and stuff. that's how vegas is. you win some, but you usually lose most -- one way or another.

and that's what religion is, folks. it's a misleading lie.

sure, it sounds good. looks good. tempting. do this and that and you'll be in paradise forever. bla bla bla.

but in the end, it's really just a waste of time, effort and braincells.

so if i'm gonna be a sucker, i'd rather it be fun... and believe me, those fairytales of jesus & co. aren't any fun.

i mean, they won't comp your hotel room, or give you VIP status on the tables, or circle you with showgirls.

Richard brautigan, part 3

continuing on from that awesome book i was tellin' ya about... here's another 'lil gem:

OUCH!

They...just...won't...meet

every day i stand at this bus stop and look up and wish the lines of these objects would just meet up to form a perfect rectangle... or at least meet up to make a shape of some kind.... any kind.

but no matter how long i stare at it, no matter how hard i will it, no matter how much energy and thought i put into it, it just...

doesn't...

work.

'cuz that's fucking life.

Class with neil degrasse tyson

this will be fun. i guarantee it:

i went to a liberal arts school that cost $25K a year and i never got that sorta in-your-face education.

REFUND MUTHAFUCKA!

Richard brautigan, part 2

continuing on from that awesome book i was tellin' ya about... here's another 'lil gem: