Girl can still crash

as a man who has had many a crush in his life, it always tickles me (did i just fucking say that? did i just fucking say "tickles me"???) when a crush of years gone by resurfaces to kindle the inherent bonerjam.

gwen stefani occupied many of my dreams during my high school days.

but all of that was behind me, until this morning i walk into walgreeens and this is playing on the overhead speaker:

i had to stop and get a lil groove on before i continued with my otherwise pretty boring life.

BONERJAMZ!!!

Superdong

if i had a boat i'd name it superdong II.

Somebody please make this happen

throw in an almost naked slave leia and i'm seein' this movie a bazillion times!

(image via thaeger)

More tycho awesomeness

as i mentioned before, tycho music = bonerjam city.

right now i'd have to say this track, past is prologue, is the one really keeping me up at night. so i thought i'd share.

ENJOY!

Something that tickles me nuts!

so when peoples iz searchin' the interwebs and stumble across SKY GOD!, the above terms are the top ones leading them here.

sounds about right.

HOT DANG!

Real southsiders know how to be assholes

a while back i made mention of my new toys (the stanton turntables and mixer i bought during the winter) and how i was really going to learn how to use them, and... well... i'm happy to report that i have spent many an hour groovin' with my own eclectic mixes. so much frackin' fun!

in other words, me and the turntables = bonerjam city.

so anytime i see a record shop i make sure to stop in, 'cuz one never knows what gem is there to be discovered.

the other day i'm walkin' through my southside neighborhood and see the record shop (that is ALWAYS closed) is actually open, so i stop in.

no one is inside except a man behind the counter who looks pissed off... typical old blood southsider, seemingly pissed that the chinese and mexicans have slowly taken over his neighborhood. i stroll around with that i'm being watched feeling when finally he barks, "lookin' for anything in particular?"

"yeah, you have any hip-hop?"

this was followed by an eye-roll (the dude is white by the way, like old italian white... or irish white... dunno, is alcoholic a country?) and then he says, "what hip-hop? an artist? who?"

"nevermind," i said as i started out the door before a too $hort album caught my attention. i grabbed it. "yeah, like this. any more of this?"

he huffed and puffed, mumbled something and then led me to a small area that had... SOME BOMB ASS HIP HOP RECORDS!!!! flushed with joy, i grabbed a bunch and took 'em to the counter.

now, seein' all this loot i had, dude is finally nice to me... chatting me up, asking me how long i've been in the neighborhood, and all this shit while i pay for the goods... but why... why couldn't he have just been nice in the first place? 

southsiders have a bad reputation already... why make it worse? just fucking treat people the way you would wanna be treated!!!

YA HEARD?!?!

Livin' in nakedville

i totally understand why people join nudist colonies. i like to think that i could hack it myself. in fact, i walk around my house naked all the time. i just feel better out of my clothes. i'm quite in tune with my body, so it just seems like the next logical step.

my only fear (and maybe this is a bit juvenile of me, but hey, it's true) is what happens when you come across a sexy fox like the one featured in this video below. i mean, sorry, ain't gonna be no hidin' mr. happy when she comes traipsing through.

Carina, ecstasy of existence from Projecte NUCAT on Vimeo.

OMG I NEED SOME FUCKING VIETNAMESE COFFEE IN MY BLOOD NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

(special thanks to A for the pic; next time i hope you can deliver with the real deal)

Needing kara goucher

at least once a week i allow myself to be extremely pissed off that i'm not sleeping with olympic marathoner kara goucher.

a superior bundle of absolute CUTENESS, i melt every time i see her vibrant smile. she's on the cover of runner's world this month and she looks sexy as hell. i had to do a double-take, 'cuz damn!, girl just gave birth to her first child back in september.

i am very impressed.

normally, the elite female marathon body doesn't do it for me in the bonerjamz department. don't get me wrong, i'm a huge fan of deena kastor, paula radcliffe, shalane flannigan & co. but i also need some female curves (think: booty) to get groovin' and the above, as badass as they are, just don't have it.

kara does. at least... a little.

AND she's SO damn cute!

so in lieu of my kara-broken heart, here's an ode to my favorite female runner, in pic form, of course:

Pheidippides' bonerjam

*ahem.

wow. so... yeah, the marathon ain't no joke. i know now why pheidippides just fucking died.

at least we both share the common knowledge of victory...

i knew this girl once... she liked to be spanked, slapped... stuff like that. she enjoyed pain. i never really got that.

until i ran that marathon on sunday. i got my ass kicked by the beating 86 degree sun, the unforgiving hills at the most compromising mile markers. i got the shit beat out of me and i loved every last minute of it.

when i crossed that finish line i had absolutely nothing left. i was dead at the halfway point and i STILL managed to fight through that shit like a fucking champ.

in two and a half weeks i'm running the kentucky derby half marathon (with MY BROTHER IN LAW this time) and two weeks after that i'm hiking my ass up to the woods in wisconsin to run a 50 kilometer race (31 miles). not to mention the 50 MILER in july.

i'm so gonna get fucked.

AND LOVE IT

Understanding sexy time... when young

i discovered my pops' playboy cache when i was about eight. it was like finding the holy grail.

from my earliest memory, i knew i was into chicks. i had a crush on every babysitter and i'd blush when they touched me... cuz i liked it.

but it wasn't until i found daddy's cache of skin shots that i really knew. it was bonerjam city, and i never looked back.

looking at those naked pictures became a somewhat regular habit of mine, for many years. it wasn't until we moved and i couldn't find his new hiding spot that i went without.

and, contrary to what the conservative right says about the naked body, i never thought it dirty. i never thought looking at those playboys was a bad thing. it was a good thing. it enlightened me, really. it made me bow down to the female form, to respect it for all its lusciousness.

some people call that objectifying... i don't. i call it admiration.

there's no reason to shy away from the truth of sex and there's definitely no reason to shield our youth from the realities of life. i'm not saying teach kids how the "plumbing" works as toddlers, but when kids ask questions about their bodies and about how babies are made, i think it's appropriate for us to tell them the truth and explain these things like we would anything else that is inherent to our being.

(image via ihmp)

Happy trails

since i'll be tackling at least two trail ultramarathons this season, i decided i better get my ass out to run some trails sometime soon. so a few days ago i went out to the palos hills forest preserves and ran like a wild man through the forest.

it was fucking unbelievably fantastic. i'm not speaking in hyperbole. i'm for real. it was a fucking blast!

running downhills on rocks and roots and grass and mud, as fast as you can go! the trees, the leaves, the wind in your face... i ran across a coyote den -- a mama and two cubs who ran off after seeing me, only to be waiting on the side of the trail at a safe distance upon my return!!!

it was awesome. definitely doing more of that.

defini-fucking-nitely

Something to keep ya comin' back...

special-uber-orgasmo-thanks to my buddy, T, who enlightened me with this gif.

if there is a gif hall of fame, this better be at the entrance.

bonerjamz city.

Just when ya thought ya were bonjerjammed out on hot batman-shirt-wearin' chicas...

oh.

fuck.

me.

now THAT oughta wake yer ass up this morning!!!

(via hcibs)

This cavalera hit will rock your friday afternoon

no one rocks the fuck out like max... and, since i haven't posted this prophecy vid yet, it's long overdue.

so get off your ass, grab that air guitar and ROCK THE FUCK OUT YO!!!!!!!!!!

HOLLA!!!!!!!!!

Avril lavigne can have all my paychecks, from now til eternity

one of the evident themes in my past romantic relationships is that my undying love for avril lavigne has been continuously met with cold hearted hatred and disgust. for some reason, the women i have been involved with have not met my avril fandom with welcoming arms. in fact, they have all been vehemently against it.

why? what the fuck is wrong with avril lavigne? she's hot. she's sassy. she's a total rocker chick with a rockin' bod and a rockin' voice. what's not to like?

i'm just gonna chalk that shit up to jealousy. hell, if i were a chick and my man got a bonerjam every time avril came on the tele, i guess i might harbor some jealous feelings myself. the difference is, i get over that shit real quick.

keep killin' it, avril! and y'all better enjoy the sexy body shots in this vid:

Um... yikes.

yep. them's all boys. lady boys as they call 'em in thailand, and throughout asia.

i will say that i had a, er... strange lady boy encounter once when i was living in china.

i was on holiday in hong kong, at a bar, pretty shitfaced (if i remember correctly), when a beautiful woman sat down beside me. she smelled good. FANTASTIC even! if i could describe her scent with something tangible i'd say that it alone caused a bonafide bonerjam.

immediately we struck up conversation, and though it was quite apparent she was a 'working girl' looking for a john and i certainly wasn't interested in that, i did entertain the idea that i could get her to follow me back to the hotel on just my own charm.

i bought her a couple drinks. we talked. laughed. she kept touching me.

and i noticed a lot of the locals snickering and hiding their eyes from mine when i looked around.

then... it hit me.

i got it. don't know why or how, because like the lady boys pictured above, you really could not tell. at all.

but i knew.

i asked her: "so, are you a... uh..."

"LADY BOY!" she said.

and i ran. i fucking RAN! i was so embarrassed... but it's funny as hell now.

good grief one can hardly tell!!!

Do somethin' new at 32!

why the fuck not? i might not have another 32 years left, so let's get some shit done now!

i'm another year older today -- i feel great, thanks -- and i've always said that when i start losing the desire to learn something new, then that's the day i wanna get hit by a bus. fortunately, that day hasn't ever come... so on i go.

and this year the new hobby is mixing. a buddy of mine hooked me up so i bought some tables and a mixer, then went and dug up some old records at a thrift shop. now i'm busy scratchin', slidin', matchin' and makin' mixes that include the eurythmics (lots of eurythmics), BT, portishead and some funky vocal tracks from a 1950s era instructional guide to music! it may not be armin van buuren at this point, but fuck, i'm doin' somethin' new and exciting and that gives me a great big bonerjam!!!

so quit puttin' off what you wanted to learn yesterday, or last week, or last year even... go out and do that shit now!

dj sky god! anyone?

Melatonin side effects

for the last month, i've been tryin' to cut back on my old sleeping aids (steve green, wine, benadryl) in favor of something more healthy; so, naturally, melatonin answered the bell again.

after some extended, exclusive use of melatonin, i am experiencing the following side effects:

1. an extended tolerance for religious delusionoids

(i recently spent an entire weekend surrounded by them and didn't open my mouth in defiance ONCE. i was being a polite guest, of course, but still)

2. an enlightened, invigorated spark first thing in the morning

(sleeping so well for so long has taken my morning-person persona and kicked it up a notch. this is a good thing)

3. an abundance of vivid, detailed, EXTREMELY realistic dreams revolving around my ex-girlfriend

(the other day i woke up in the middle of the night clutching a pillow i believed to be her; when i realized it wasn't her i picked up my phone and almost called her to ask "where are you?"... i can't believe how real it was. so, so real)

4. an increase in mid-day erections

(this speaks for itself i believe)

5. an overall increase in perceived health

so, yeah, if i were a doctor i'd recommend it to all my patients. though, a good mix of steve green every once in a while wouldn't hurt either.

;-)

Bonerjammed again!

i know, i know... i've done enough raving about the splendid works of constance k., but i just can't stop! she keeps churnin' out the fucking hits, man!

like this one!

its name is geometry 2011, but ya might as well call it bonerjam city for what it does to my imagination!

(via constance k.)