An interesting tidbit to an otherwise long dead relationship

this seems to happen a lot: i'm cleaning my apartment and i find another long lost relic from a past lover. sometimes it's a hair tie, sometimes it's a blouse, sometimes it's prescription medicine.

this time it's a list.

i dated this gal for a little over a year. it's been some years ago. i'm convinced she was --  at the very least -- a raging narcissist. she had (has?) all the symptoms. the world revolved around her and no one could tell her otherwise. for the first month or so i knew her she was using a fake name. during the time we were together, she asked me to call her several different names and i had a hard time introducing her to people because i didn't know who she was (or wanted to be) at any given time. i basically stuck around 'cuz i was lonely, somewhat desperate for intimacy... and the sex was fucking awesome.

*note to self: even great sex isn't worth putting up with constant lies and deception.

anyway, at one point when i'd had enough, i finally broke it off with her. when she asked why, i told her and then i came home one day to find a list of things she was going to do to make sure our relationship stayed intact. here is that list (click to enlarge):

sounds good. sure.

fucking laughable now.

last i heard she was duping a whole new world of woebegones.

love? ha.

love can fucking bite me.

Grandma thinks i'm gay

i'm 32 years old and single. very, very, very fucking single.

i have no plans to settle down and have a family.

i haven't dated anyone seriously for more than a few months in over a decade (well, there was that year long stint with bag-o-crazy, but i checked out early and just stayed on board for the incredible sex) and the way things are going now (or, rather, NOT going), i highly doubt there's gonna be anything to give my elders hope for a future where i pass down the family name.

it doesn't really bother me so much, but it sure bothers my grandma, who thinks i'm gay, because i don't have a girlfriend.

of course, she also thinks that running is going to make me die young, that a sandwich cannot be eaten without mayonnaise and that nothing has been good on television since hee-haw was canceled.

Why do women do what they do????

i don't get it, my father doesn't get it, his father didn't get it and i'm just gonna assume HIS father didn't get it either: women and the shit they do sometimes.

now i'm not gonna get all sexist and misogynist here and attack women calling them all crazy. that ain't my game.

but i'd be a goddamn liar if i didn't admit to being baffled by their lack of logic sometimes. why would someone who broke my heart into a billion little pieces start having facebook conversations with my fucking father of all people? someone she never even met?!?!?! even more, why would she do that KNOWING good and well that my eyes would eventually see it!?!?!?

unless her goal was to purposely hurt me -- to pour more salt in an old wound -- there is absolutely no excuse for that.

none.

zilch.

AGGGHH!

and it makes me angry. here i am, feeling good about myself, feeling proud about where i've been and what i've become since that shitty day back in october... right about 100% and then BOOM -- a little reminder that i wasn't good enough for her... in the way of a in-your-face public FB convo with my fucking dad.

this isn't an isolated event... it has just boiled over.

why do women do what they do?

i haven't the slightest fucking clue.

and i probably never will.

I totally know how ya feel, batman

i mean, i won't go as far as to say i 'hate' someone, especially someone i was once intimate with, because i don't. i don't hate people (maybe islamic terrorists, but that's about it). still, some breakups hurt more than others and the only thing one can do to shield himself from the pain is to say fuck it and totally disassociate with her all together. it's the only way.

(image via skull swap)

Avril lavigne can have all my paychecks, from now til eternity

one of the evident themes in my past romantic relationships is that my undying love for avril lavigne has been continuously met with cold hearted hatred and disgust. for some reason, the women i have been involved with have not met my avril fandom with welcoming arms. in fact, they have all been vehemently against it.

why? what the fuck is wrong with avril lavigne? she's hot. she's sassy. she's a total rocker chick with a rockin' bod and a rockin' voice. what's not to like?

i'm just gonna chalk that shit up to jealousy. hell, if i were a chick and my man got a bonerjam every time avril came on the tele, i guess i might harbor some jealous feelings myself. the difference is, i get over that shit real quick.

keep killin' it, avril! and y'all better enjoy the sexy body shots in this vid:

A tooth, some dog hair, some long chinese hair

okay, haven't found any teeth (or toofs) from womens in my apartment... but i have found other things.

lots of things actually. going back some years!

all of the dog hair from the last girl's dog is finally gone. jesus christ i've been finding it EVERYWHERE for months now. i mean, i did love the shit out of that little pup, but goddamnit if he didn't shed hair in places i didn't even think he could reach!

and the girlfriend previous to the one mentioned above left a ton of shit in strange places... still finding shoes, underwear, hair ties, not to mention hidden clumps of LONG BLACK HAIR (she did have beautiful, long, black hair, i'll give her that)... all in the trash now.

but i guess i'll never reach the big leagues until i get a girl to start leaving her teeth around. i'll see if i can work harder to reach that goal.

HOLLA!!!

Melatonin side effects

for the last month, i've been tryin' to cut back on my old sleeping aids (steve green, wine, benadryl) in favor of something more healthy; so, naturally, melatonin answered the bell again.

after some extended, exclusive use of melatonin, i am experiencing the following side effects:

1. an extended tolerance for religious delusionoids

(i recently spent an entire weekend surrounded by them and didn't open my mouth in defiance ONCE. i was being a polite guest, of course, but still)

2. an enlightened, invigorated spark first thing in the morning

(sleeping so well for so long has taken my morning-person persona and kicked it up a notch. this is a good thing)

3. an abundance of vivid, detailed, EXTREMELY realistic dreams revolving around my ex-girlfriend

(the other day i woke up in the middle of the night clutching a pillow i believed to be her; when i realized it wasn't her i picked up my phone and almost called her to ask "where are you?"... i can't believe how real it was. so, so real)

4. an increase in mid-day erections

(this speaks for itself i believe)

5. an overall increase in perceived health

so, yeah, if i were a doctor i'd recommend it to all my patients. though, a good mix of steve green every once in a while wouldn't hurt either.

;-)

A pre-primer primer

as i draft a larger body of work tentatively titled "zelig skykiller's primer for women on dating men" -- a well constructed, thought-out piece of prose that i've been diligently working on with the hope that it can one day be my opus (half kidding) -- i realize i just can't wait to share some of this. that's right. just like religious zealot delusionoidism, some of this shit must be stopped. now.

now.

LADIES, the following is is my opinion, BUT, let me assure you, my opinion is shared by the sorts of gentlemanly company a young professional like me would be expected to keep -- the types of men i assume respectable women want to settle down with. ya with me?

FIRST DATE DON'TS:

number 1:

LADIES, if he likes you, he'll want to pay the whole fucking bill, so don't stop him from doing that. this is how we show our chivalry. you can't take this away from us. we have to do this to feel right, to move on to the next step. you can offer to help pay once. ONCE. and that's it. if he kindly rejects your offer, your next move must be to shut up about it. say 'thanks'. then shut up about it. DON'T keep pestering to help pay the bill, to make it clear that you're all about equality between genders. because as you do this, he is losing interest in you long-term faster than the pope can hide a pedophile priest. i'm all for gender equality, but when it comes to relationships -- especially in the early goings on -- someone must take the reigns and make decisions, so that the playing field is even. if we each adhere to our traditional roles -- AT LEAST EARLY ON -- then personalities will be able to truly stand out because there's no need to weed through all the fucking bullshit.

also, arguing with a man on a first date probably isn't going to win you his favor anyway, so... yeah. don't do that.

number 2:

LADIES, don't talk about sex on the first date (save it for the second or third, haha). and DEFINITELY don't talk about sex you've had with other people (especially specifics). this goes for relationships PERIOD and should be followed AT ALL TIMES. we're all adults. we've all fucked other people. but if you want a man long-term you cannot allow him to ever see specific images in his head of you fucking somebody else. you just can't. it's the most awful gut-wrenching worst thing imaginable. we men, we like to stick our chests out when we walk. it's hard to fucking do that when you can't shake visuals of some other dude fucking the woman you love.

so don't fucking allow that to happen.

you have the power. you know it. so don't be dumb about it.

yes. we are men, therefore we have piggish tendencies. but let me tell ya, most of us just want the company of one. and really, all we want is sex. deprive us of sex and you're signing your own relationship death warrant. because we will get sex if you don't give it on a reasonably consistent basis...

of course, i will get into that later.

Well, F-M-L

failing relationships? i get that. i mean, i understand why all of mine have failed up to this point...

i'm stubborn. i'm always right. i tend to commandeer a conversation.

most women get tired of that shit and i've never cared about any of them enough to ever change, i suppose. i mean, i'm not a mean guy or anything, i just like doing my own thang -- goin' to a game, the bar, a road trip... on a moment's notice.

so i understand why THEY ALL LEAVE ME... BUT THIS...

THIS is not cool.

a letter.

from my urologist. arrived today. it said:

Dear Patient,

I'm writing to inform you of my plans to close my medical practice on April 23, 2010. No medical services may be provided after that date. If you... BLA BLA BLA....

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!

so now, the one person who's seen more of my dick in the last three months than any other one person has had enough of me too!?!?! he's leaving me... he wants me to go to some other uroloigst?!?! well, i don't want to go to some other urologist i want my urologist!!!

fuck.

or as the kids say: FUCK MY LIFE.

well, actually, the kids say "FML". so i'll say that...

fml.

Intelligent people will disregard red flags if it means they can get laid...

...i know this cuz it happened to me with one of my ex girlfriends.

i asked her what type of books she likes to read and she answered non-fiction, that she mostly read books about serial killers. those were her favs.

for some reason all i heard her say was non-fiction and i was like 'okay, can we bone now?'

we were together for a year and by the end there was no denying that she might try to kill me.

she just had that look in her eye, and the know-how, from the books.

the moral of the story is listen before you try to sleep with some girl; but i'm a dude and i think we dudes know that sorta shit just doesn't work.

we fuck. that's what we do!

Texts from an ex

SHE:  How r things? I feel lk we haven't talked in a while. Lol

ME:  Things are good. And you? It feels like that cuz it's true. It's been two months plus we haven't talked.

SHE:  Well not really. If you take into accoutn my drunk dials haha. Things r nuts here. Huge snowstorm ruined my life a few days ago

ME:  You forgot my birthday.

SHE:  I actually didn't.

SHE:  Its hard to explain, you know?

SHE  What did you do? Get wasted? Haha. This year for mine I'm attempting sobriety.

SHE:  You r welcome to come if you want. I'm thking of doing a bicostal thing here and in LA

- - -
look, bitch, you forgot my birthday and that fucking hurts but then you act like it's no big deal and that fucking hurts even more then you go on and on about what YOU'RE gonna do for YOUR fucking birthday like I should give a shit, drop everything and just pay attention to you cuz that's what you expect from me well you can forget that shit and go fuck off...

... I'm sorry but I'm busy being a grown up and I don't have time to be played with like a rag doll that hasn't any feelings.

thanks

:-)

oh, and yeah, nice Valentine's Day olive branch.

not.