Maybe i'm not doin' it right

i haven't tried this line.

first time for everything.

now, if i could just... care.

but...

ALAS!

i don't.

Been there, done that

in fact, the only true sign that my last successful relationship was going to fail was this exact scenario just a few days before the wheels fell off.

but, being a dude, i was completely clueless.

good thing i like the internets!

TMI, yo

my friends, klepper and grey, are at it again, only this time you'll get less philosophical reflection and more nitty gritty nast from yuppieville central.

HOLLA!

the body and adaptation of the mind in the absence of sex

the human body is a remarkable thing.

we have become the alpha species on earth because of our extreme adaptability. starting as a single celled organism 2.1 trillion years ago, which eventually became what we understand to be bipedal apes 3 million years ago, it only took 2 and half million years before the first homo erectus started gettin' jiggy.

and you know what else?

it took my body four days to even realize i hadn't masturbated... in four days!

the mind distracted itself while my body went into shock.

i think.

"Bone dry"

this is one of those rare works of art that both refreshes the mind and asks provocative questions... all while makin' you laugh!

admittedly, the couple's "problem" is one that is completely foreign to me (it's been over a decade since i was in a serious relationship for more than a year) but i can say that it is something i have thought about. there are two couples i know in particular, both of them happily married for 40+ years now, and i often ask myself: what the fuck do they even talk about anymore? so while i can't possibly fathom the issue, the hypothetical me can certainly respect and admire it.

klepper (the dude in the vid) proposes that perhaps the definition of love is the continuous wanting more of someone... it's that feeling of never being satisfied with just the experiences you've had with your partner, but always wanting more.

i have never felt that.

oh sure, i've had it early on in a relationship... but i've never had it for the long hauled ones. eventually, after six months or so, i'm burned out, oddly enough around the same time conflict begins to rear its ugly fucking head.

i thought i might be really falling in love though once. recently in fact. last year.

i was in a relationship that was so unlike any that i'd ever been in before (in a positive way) that i was truly beginning to discover the unknown. my feelings had never been so fueled for just one person before.

and then, after just three months, she left and i never saw or talked to her again.

fucking tragic, right? i guess. maybe not.

maybe i'm just not the love-type. seriously. i love being alone. i love that. and i honestly don't understand the hype around love. is it necessary? most mammals seem to continue the species just fine without being "in love". what purpose does it serve? is it what makes humans human? and if it is, and everyone can feel it, am i just fucked up? am i on the same level as what we call "sociopaths", people with no regard for humanity?

i hope not. i feel empathy. i love my mom. i love my dad. i love my family, and i know that that requires i regard them differently than strangers, but, this loving and fucking combination, that i don't get. has anyone ever questioned this before and gotten a good answer!?

i know some people -- LOTS of people actually -- who have been in love MULTIPLE times. lots of times even! one of my sisters has been "in love" her entire adult life, with four different dudes!

but me... i've never felt it. and after watching this video i know that i've never felt it. what these two people are talking about, the "love" they have for each other and ultimately rediscover at the end, that shit is completely foreign to me.

never even been close to that.

And now for this public service announcement:

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!

i've been doing it wrong!!!

Back to the drawing board? or get rich quick.

i haven't been on a date in a while. due to a hearty streak of awful experiences, i pretty much pulled myself out of it. i'm fine with that.

my online profile is still there, just in case... but i'm not actively tryin' to holla at interweb females anymore. not for now at least.

a friend of mine, new to the single world, suggests we start going about it the old fashioned way, by hanging out in bars and buying chicks drinks, chatting them up, etc.

i'm not really keen on the idea. a) i don't drink much b) i don't particularly like hanging out in bars and c) i don't think i really want to be in a relationship with someone who hangs out in bars to meet men, but then i realized i was being judgmental and resolved to be open to anything.

for example... we tried hanging out at the pool club in his building (a real swanky chi town joint), to meet women. they flock there. in droves. and the percentage of hot ones is higher than anywhere else i've ever been (outside of the new york subway system -- nyc has a hot chick over population problem). i kept racking my brain, trying to understand why there were so many hot ones at this one place. and then it donned on me: MONEY. 

fucking money. the place where he lives is pretty exclusive. he makes a handsome salary, so that's no surprise. once i made the connection, it made total sense. these women are husband-hunting and money is the name of the game.

i don't have a lot of money. i live pretty modestly. and as soon as those types of chicks find out i don't have any money (it doesn't take them long, believe me), they conveniently forget to return my phone calls.

i'm thinkin' it's time to rethink things.

or, better yet, stop thinking.

period.

Horrible, terrible, awful things...

this is something i've been thinking about a lot lately. is LOVE worth it?

logically speaking, my experience over the last 32 years tells me no. no, it's not worth it. the pain and suffering will always come eventually... i've never not had that happen. every great relationship i've had (i can count on one hand, maybe only need 2, 3 fingers?) ended. and it didn't take long, relatively speaking.

and, of course, each time i was extremely hurt.

that hurt... that pain... it's something one never truly gets over. yes, the level of pain will get diluted over time, but it will still always be there, no matter how hard one tries to hide it.

and i really don't believe marriage is necessary... nor can i honestly say that monogamy is a reality i can live in. i mean, i don't know... i just don't know.

i'm not trying to be some sad, wallowing sap whining about not being in love. no. fuck that. i'm just thinking that "love"... that "need" to be with another person, i'm thinking that it might not be as universal as one would think.

maybe some of us are better off alone.

i said maybe, dammit.

Ready to try anything?

try dating a dead person. that's something i have yet to do.

probably gonna keep it that way.

i said probably.

(image via skull swap)

More misdirection and question marks

so i'm actually being social recently and i meet this beautiful gal who really strikes my fancy... we get to talking... we have a bunch in common... we engage in lots of eye contact... stupid smiles... all giddy up in yer giggy... there's somethin' goin' on here...

so...

before we have to go our separate ways i ask her for her number -- which she eagerly provides!!!

couple days later i call her up and ask her out and guess what!

she has a fucking boyfriend.

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK.

this is why men lose their shit, ladies. you play too many fucking games.

if you're not on the block, not interested, don't act like you are. please. you end up wasting a lot of my time.

*there is an OUTSIDE chance that i'm just fucking clueless when it comes to reading signs, but in this particular case, i don't think i was off the mark.

just sayin'.

Taken, plucked and long gone, pffft; focussing on the NOW

i'm at the age where past lovers are getting married. some of them have kids. all of them have long stopped sharing their beds with me.

there are a couple of them who i still long for (sometimes)... like, i get that feeling that i probably missed the boat... that i should've been on that fucking boat, if only i were smarter back then... or wasn't so self-centered... or, well, it does me no good to think about it now.

but if i'm feeling this then surely others have felt this before. here's how i'm coping with the pangs of lovers passed:

i'm wooing my mind away from those thoughts with exultations of what great, liberating things i'm able to do now.  in fact, focusing on the NOW helps me deal with a lot of life's fucked up issues.

now, i'm free to do what i wanna do when i wanna do it, anytime.

now, i'm not tied down by familial responsibilities. i can claim no dependents. i can get in my car and drive to fuckytown, u.s.a. and no one will give a shit.

now, i'm able to invest all my time into things that do bring me joy: baseball, being active, wine, being able to bang anyone i want without hurting anyone's feelings, spending countless hours playing with my two turntables and muthafuckin' microphone!!!

just sayin'.

The dating rut

i'm tired.

i'm tired of the chase. i'm tired of wasting fuckloads of money. i'm tired of stretching my tolerance for mind games and manipulation.

so, once again, i throw my hands up in the air, unable to understand exactly what the fuck women want.

i'll tell you what i (as a man) want. i want sex. i want compassion. i want intimacy.

i want to be myself. i want to be able to watch baseball when i feel like it. i want to go run for four hours at a time and not be criticized.

that's pretty much it.

but so far, i've met zero people who are into that sorta thing.

fucking ZERO.

An interesting tidbit to an otherwise long dead relationship

this seems to happen a lot: i'm cleaning my apartment and i find another long lost relic from a past lover. sometimes it's a hair tie, sometimes it's a blouse, sometimes it's prescription medicine.

this time it's a list.

i dated this gal for a little over a year. it's been some years ago. i'm convinced she was --  at the very least -- a raging narcissist. she had (has?) all the symptoms. the world revolved around her and no one could tell her otherwise. for the first month or so i knew her she was using a fake name. during the time we were together, she asked me to call her several different names and i had a hard time introducing her to people because i didn't know who she was (or wanted to be) at any given time. i basically stuck around 'cuz i was lonely, somewhat desperate for intimacy... and the sex was fucking awesome.

*note to self: even great sex isn't worth putting up with constant lies and deception.

anyway, at one point when i'd had enough, i finally broke it off with her. when she asked why, i told her and then i came home one day to find a list of things she was going to do to make sure our relationship stayed intact. here is that list (click to enlarge):

sounds good. sure.

fucking laughable now.

last i heard she was duping a whole new world of woebegones.

love? ha.

love can fucking bite me.

Grandma thinks i'm gay

i'm 32 years old and single. very, very, very fucking single.

i have no plans to settle down and have a family.

i haven't dated anyone seriously for more than a few months in over a decade (well, there was that year long stint with bag-o-crazy, but i checked out early and just stayed on board for the incredible sex) and the way things are going now (or, rather, NOT going), i highly doubt there's gonna be anything to give my elders hope for a future where i pass down the family name.

it doesn't really bother me so much, but it sure bothers my grandma, who thinks i'm gay, because i don't have a girlfriend.

of course, she also thinks that running is going to make me die young, that a sandwich cannot be eaten without mayonnaise and that nothing has been good on television since hee-haw was canceled.

More proof we think with our dicks

read *THIS*. you'll thank me.

Could ya bang a creationist?

in short, yes. i could bang a creationist. sex doesn't know anything about a woman's delusions. it's irrelevant. but, as a friend of mine is currently discovering, having a relationship with a creationist requires... um... well...

there's no way i could ever have a relationship (outside of fucking) with a creationist. it'd be like asking an antelope to hang out and enjoy the company of a lion. someone's gonna get eaten. and it ain't gonna be me.

i was just surprised to find out that creationists actually exist in my city. i met her the other day and the first thing i noticed was how pretty she was. then, how well spoken she was. then, how urban she was. when my pal told me later on that they'd been dating and that she literally believes that an invisible sky daddy created the world in seven days, just like the b-i-b-l-e says, i wondered if perhaps i'd had too many cocktails.

just goes to show that crazy comes in all sizes.

Why do women do what they do????

i don't get it, my father doesn't get it, his father didn't get it and i'm just gonna assume HIS father didn't get it either: women and the shit they do sometimes.

now i'm not gonna get all sexist and misogynist here and attack women calling them all crazy. that ain't my game.

but i'd be a goddamn liar if i didn't admit to being baffled by their lack of logic sometimes. why would someone who broke my heart into a billion little pieces start having facebook conversations with my fucking father of all people? someone she never even met?!?!?! even more, why would she do that KNOWING good and well that my eyes would eventually see it!?!?!?

unless her goal was to purposely hurt me -- to pour more salt in an old wound -- there is absolutely no excuse for that.

none.

zilch.

AGGGHH!

and it makes me angry. here i am, feeling good about myself, feeling proud about where i've been and what i've become since that shitty day back in october... right about 100% and then BOOM -- a little reminder that i wasn't good enough for her... in the way of a in-your-face public FB convo with my fucking dad.

this isn't an isolated event... it has just boiled over.

why do women do what they do?

i haven't the slightest fucking clue.

and i probably never will.

Suggested rules of engagement for fuck buddies

let's face it, sometimes ya just wanna fuck. it's natural. it's okay. it's not weird or anything. our bodies were hardwired to do that.

at the same time, as humans, we are also hardwired to have feelings and emotions and shit like that. so the two either must be in balance or at least be properly channeled with an open line of communication between parties.

in other words, don't mix feelings and emotions with the pure, physical act of fucking unless there are feelings and emotions. it is my belief that usage of the verb "to fuck" inherently indicates the lack of feeling/emotion involved, as opposed to "make love" or "have sex" even, both of which indicate some sort of mind connection.

with fuck buddies, everyone involved has gotta be on the same page. they gotta be adult about the situation, embrace the situation, avoid reading any meaning into the situation.

i don't want to know what you did today, i don't want to know what your hopes and dreams are, i don't want to know what makes you laugh, cry, none of that shit. that's the sorta thing you reserve for... a lover.

fucking's different.

on a personal note, i have reached the point in my life where i'd rather have that mind connection during sex. for me, looking in a woman's eyes and feeling something while, literally, feeling something is much more satisfying than simply fucking like an animal then going to bed.

unfortunately, it's a desolate world sometimes, and ya gotta do whatcha gotta do.

Avril lavigne can have all my paychecks, from now til eternity

one of the evident themes in my past romantic relationships is that my undying love for avril lavigne has been continuously met with cold hearted hatred and disgust. for some reason, the women i have been involved with have not met my avril fandom with welcoming arms. in fact, they have all been vehemently against it.

why? what the fuck is wrong with avril lavigne? she's hot. she's sassy. she's a total rocker chick with a rockin' bod and a rockin' voice. what's not to like?

i'm just gonna chalk that shit up to jealousy. hell, if i were a chick and my man got a bonerjam every time avril came on the tele, i guess i might harbor some jealous feelings myself. the difference is, i get over that shit real quick.

keep killin' it, avril! and y'all better enjoy the sexy body shots in this vid: