Single greatest product in the entire history of the universe?

if it can give a decent b.j. and not nag me while the game is on then all signs point to yes.

Three cheers for shitfuck

when i get frustrated (or when i'm driving), my go-to exclamation usually goes something like "ahh fuck you, you fucking shitfuck!"

that's right.

shitfuck.

i say it all the time. i like it. i like the gnarlyness that ekes out when i utter its sound, and, like its ugly cousin "motherfucker", its literal connotation goes places i don't wanna go.

but no one else says "shitfuck". i've never heard anyone else use it. did i make it up?

i have no idea, but i'm gonna keep touting it's magical properties.

SHITFUCK!!!

Who is more delusional?

when it comes to the holy roller healers and the megachurch statesmen and the people they supposedly heal or help through the power of "god" and "jeebus" and all that jazz, who is more insane? the actual healer/statesman or the poor sap who goes along with the act?

i can't tell.

but there has to be some sort of mutual fucked-up-edness between them, right? like, they both know they're full of shit, but they go through the act of it all anyway, just because it feels good to be a part of a group, no matter how insane (i think???).

this woman featured in the video below supposedly can't talk until jeebus helps her unroll her tongue (around the 2:08 mark). then, the only thing that comes out is jibberish that xtrian folk like to call "speaking in tongues", as if their special god gave them the special gift to speak a special language that no one can fucking understand, special or not.

I won't treat you like a potato if you don't take away my beer

that way we can both be happy.

capice?

Elzzup siht tuo erugif uoy nac?

Words, words, words, FUCK YEAH!

for all you loggerheaded crook-pated nut-hooks out there, remember to look at the fawning fly-bitten miscreant next to you and call him a spleeny pottle-deep hugger-mugger!!!!

HOLLA!!!

An odd way around the language barrier

i am a fluent mandarin chinese speaker. it's one of the few identifying characteristics i have. so my coworkers often ask me to order lunch from chinatown... except, a couple of their favorite places are run by cantonese speakers who don't know a lick of mandarin so i am forced to communicate with them in english.

only, they can't understand my english... unless i speak it wiss a chinese assent.

you unnersan my meaning?

so, odd as it may look to my colleagues, there i go... regularly speaking with an offensive chinese assent so dey can unnersan i wanting chinese brocori... not so much having merican brocori.

Fuck yeah friday!

it's no secret that i love me the sound of the f-bomb. just... feels awesome to say! out loud, quietly, to yourself, to a crowd...

anyway, i think i really got going with the f-bomb when i started watching the winnebago man over and over and over again. he made it... elegant.

and now, bob odenkirk makes it... FUNNY!

What would grandma think

"dude, v.r. just retweeted a tweet i wrote about josie's tech blog."

"that's sweet. you should d.m. him to see if he'd wanna check out the tumblr too."

REAL CONVERSATION.

it happened the other day. then my buddy and i both looked at each other and i said, "imagine if our grandmas just heard that exchange. what would they think?"

"mine would say 'the world moves too fast'," he said.

(image via skull swap)

Thesauric confusicated chaotivity

when i was in the 8th grade, i made the mistake of overusing the thesaurus to the point where my teacher called me up in front of the class and asked me to read my paper out loud to everyone. i did, but it was embarrassing. it didn't make any sense, no one knew what i was saying (including me) and there was a lot of misfit laughter involved.

luckily, my teacher gave me a second chance rather than an "F".

i became a writer on that day.

will never forget it.

(image via smbc)

Glad to know i'm not the only one prone to porn at every step, every turn

Am i the only one who thought THE BEACH was awesome!?!?

Something that tickles me nuts!

so when peoples iz searchin' the interwebs and stumble across SKY GOD!, the above terms are the top ones leading them here.

sounds about right.

HOT DANG!

Over expectation in your mind

you might think this is just engrish, that the chinese couldn't possibly have a camera that could see in your mind...

then again, they are communists... so move along at your own risk.

been there done that yo!

HOLLA!!!

Behold: george carlin auto-tuned!!!

i'm such a sucker for this shit, when it's done right.

enjoy!

When will i ever fucking learn?

(have ya noticed i stick the word "fucking" in a lot entry titles? i just noticed that. ah... fuck it)

so i banned myself from dating several weeks ago...

then i broke my ban. yah. i know. just askin' for it.

and you're right.

when will i ever fucking learn?

women are hellbent on confusing the fucking shit out of me. it is making me a madman.

why must there be so many games. just...

SAY...

WHAT...

YOU FEEL.

Holla!!!

in addition to the myriad forms of "fuck" and "delusionoid", i also find frequent use in the word/phrase/exclamation "HOLLA!!!!"

it goes back to my childhood, where my back-road river-ridin' toothpick-chewin' elders were often heard yammerin' "g'on and holler at them neighborkids".

i'm not kidding.

"holler" was (still is) a word that really came to represent my family. we holler at folks. we don't yell.

and then, there was ja-rule, who did a good job of rulin' my musical world for a few years in the late 90s.

for we youthful skykillers, "holler" quickly became "holla" and we never looked back.

in fact, "holla!!!" has unofficially become the preferred salutation for the entire skykiller clan under the age of forty.

so trow ya hands up 'n HOLLA!!!

Dickmilch

an ooze-instilling synonym for schlongbuttre...

the name of an angst-inspired runaway metal band...

or what you might call your yogurt...

take yer pick.

To fix or not to fix

...there's a lot of money to be made (and a lot of mistakes to be fixed) if the chinese would just take me up on my offer to fix their country's engrish epidemic. i would even do it for a modest fee.

but they just don't listen.

they'd rather sell boba tea by likening it to sucking on balls.

and while i've never done the sucking on balls myself, i'm pretty sure it's a lot different then sucking on honeydew-flavored tapioca.

but don't quote me on that. not yet.

To do sex on your ears

um... yeah. i am totally convinced deadmau5 exists for one reason and one reason only:

to make fuck music.

now, one must not always be fucking when listening to the deep, bass-bumpin tunes; just know that, in a perfect world, you would be fucking right at that moment.

'least that's how i see it. his new album (4x4=12) features a whole new slew of 'em, and this one in particular does a good job of translating my words into visuals, thoughts, etc.


FUCKITTY FUCK FUCK!