Internet fail

how in the fuck does this not have at least one million views???!!??!?!?

Been there, done that

in fact, the only true sign that my last successful relationship was going to fail was this exact scenario just a few days before the wheels fell off.

but, being a dude, i was completely clueless.

good thing i like the internets!

Take some fucking initiative

someone close to me has this little habit of bitching all the time. about... everything. she lives a pretty good life. she has everything she's ever wanted. and relatively speaking, she doesn't have to work too hard or concern herself with too much to live the sorta perfect life she lives.

yet she's always complaining. and praying (out loud, on facebook mostly) for things to go her way. like, "please god let so-and-so not show up to the party so i don't have to deal with her" and then thanking god when it goes her way.

when it doesn't go her way, she just keeps complaining and praying for things to... yep, you guessed it, go her FUCKING WAY.

it's real sad and real weak.

if there's anything i fear, it's being a pussy. i don't want anyone to ever think of me as a wimp, a sissy, a doormat that can be walked on, someone who won't do some fucking work to accomplish some real fucking goals. and when i put effort into something, when i put in all that fucking work, i don't want to give the credit to some unseen, unproven, unbelievable sky daddy who had NOTHING TO FUCKING DO WITH IT.

so, i want to say something to this person, i want her to know she's being a real whiny, spoiled bitch. and that she might benefit from toughening up a bit so her children don't become weak. like her.

but i haven't found the nicest way to say that.

yet.

They seriously believe. Seriously.

they seriously think that when they close their eyes and bow their heads and talk out loud that they are talking to a fucking invisible ghost that created the universe.

they seriously fucking believe that shit.

they run our cities. they run our businesses. they run our governments and our countries and our schools and our pastimes...

and they are fucking crazy mutherfuckers.

why aren't we fighting a war against that?

Miss you, grandma

one of my sweetest childhood memories almost killed me.

i was at my grandma's house, where i could get away with anything. she was out in the garden and i was on the front porch, playing with my star wars guys. i was about eleven or twelve years old.

it came time for there to be a ritual sacrifice among my star wars guys, so i doused one with grandma's aquanet (something i'd picked up from the bullies at school) then set him atop an empty mt. dew can... and struck a match... and llet him burn!!!!

and burn... *cough*

*cough-cough-cough* and... *cough*...

...burn and *cough-cough*... and...

i was suffocating on the fumes when --

grandma opened the front porch door and said:

"whadya doin' in here?"

"burnin' my star wars guys"

"oh. okay."

Burgers for breakfast

i saw this decal on a burger king window somewhere in rural wisconsin.

burgers for breakfast.

and we americans wonder why we have the reputation of being stupid.

as a whole, we have to be one of the dumbest nations on the planet. jesus is gonna come down and save us? god doesn't like gay people? and we should eat burgers for breakfast?

give me a fucking break.

How hard could it be to start your own religion?

it just takes a leader, right? someone dedicated, convincing and ballsy enough to declare him/herself an incarnation of "god"?

david koresh.

that hale-bopp guy and gal.

fucking joseph smith.

i could do that shit.

in fact, in high school, my buddy phil and i -- both wandering, indecisive, closet atheists -- decided we'd make a bunch of money if we started our own religion. we had a whole plan in the works... but then we chickened out for a foot in the real world.

but we coulda done it.

we coulda kicked some religious ass.

The faith tones...

...also known as...

...the ERECTION DESTROYERS ...

Next week, on the "jesus shore"...

... jesus handles the "situation" by turning water into wine...

...fucking A...

really.

Divided we fail

well, i went to a wedding last weekend. it was a real... happy(?) affair?

sure, it was sweet and all... some romeo (he, the jew) and juliet (she, the WELS lutheran), falling in love... being happy... except that her family -- her parents more devastatingly -- has shun her from their lives.

she's absolutely dead to them.

so they weren't even there.

what would jesus do again?

GET YOUR FUCKING STORIES STRAIGHT, YOU BACKWARDS ASS  BRONZE AGE SHIT STORM WRATHFUL FUCKING FOOLS, you can't all be right.

you're missing out on the good things in life.

fucking tease lbd barbie

uh... yeah.

i took the above photo in the girls' toy section at target. FUCKING TARGET.

this is ALSO part of what's wrong with 'merica folks... the whole world even.

i don't wanna get all what-would-jesus-do-on-your-ass, but let's think about what we're telling young women about how to be a success.

let's getting a fucking grip, 'merica.

get a FUCKING grip.

Depends on what your definition of IS is

(click to enlarge)

every time i write the above parenthetical i giggle to myself. and how fitting that giggle is with the above paperwork gem.

hey, dude is right... getting a blowjob and coming on her stomach isn't really sex. i mean, it's sexUAL, just not sex.

i think you have to come on her back to make it actual sex.

or use a cigar.

or something like that.

I... love... that this shit... exists

What would jesus do, mel gibson?

yeah, yeah, yeah, everybody makes mistakes.

but mel gibson makes a lot of them.

a lot of the same ones actually.

y'know, like, being a racist, being a sexist, being a fuck, being an asshole, being a selfish dick, just for starters...

but you also know that mel gibson is one of those CRAZY christians. one of those fundamentalists who sees the bible as being the literal word of sky daddy.

normally i'd strongly urge people to shut the fuck up if they brought that wwjd stuff in my face, but i guess mel could really do good by it. so, here's to hoping he starts.

Even more neighborhood signage fail...

HEY! i gotta a bad idea for a business! a hair salon for kids! but let's spell it "KiDZ" and have a ball pit inside!

that's what these folks did.

look, i have a hard time shellin out 30 bucks for my hair cut.. who the fuck is gonna pay someone premium dough to cut a kid's hair? kids don't need to have good hair. they're kids.

or KiDZ.

and the telephone number is pretty funny. 'cuz gee, if there's one thing i say all the time it's "kek".

hey perv, you a kek fucker? that's what i thought.

If someone's gonna BUY herpes, does he really care if it's fresh?

Uh... hello...

 ...yeah...

...i've been sayin' this shit for YEARS, people!

if we all just focus on getting off with each other, we will already be successful no matter what!

bang! bang! bang!

Funniest... thing... ever?

Sad shit

one of my favorite works of art, the wave by hokusai is parodied here.

but its ability to cut hurts worse.

i'm often able to ignore things that make me sad. i avoided news of haiti's earthquake. i avoid news of the wars we're fighting. and i've tried to ignore the bp oil mess.

but then i thought: what would happen if hokusai's wave were covered with oil....????

i'd wanna fucking die.

and that says a lot.

(image via 9GAG)

The hot and heavy sex-romp bible

the hot and heavy sex-romp bible is the same bible you'll find in church pews all over u.s. america and elsewhere. christian folks like to pick and choose which parts of the bible they use/teach/preach, but i think that's just another example of what a sham it all really is.

ezekiel liked to talk shit about whores, even use them as drawn-out metaphors that didn't work too well... to which i say, "hey, ezekiel, lay the fuck off, dude! whores are people too!"

EZEKIEL 23, VERSE 19-21 (which describes oholiba the whore as a metaphor for israel)

"Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. ²⁰ There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. ²¹ So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled."

donkey dicks and horse cum.

nice work, bible.

nice work.