Happy 25th of december

classic

Wooden bear dick

what would jesus do?

Well, F-M-L

failing relationships? i get that. i mean, i understand why all of mine have failed up to this point...

i'm stubborn. i'm always right. i tend to commandeer a conversation.

most women get tired of that shit and i've never cared about any of them enough to ever change, i suppose. i mean, i'm not a mean guy or anything, i just like doing my own thang -- goin' to a game, the bar, a road trip... on a moment's notice.

so i understand why THEY ALL LEAVE ME... BUT THIS...

THIS is not cool.

a letter.

from my urologist. arrived today. it said:

Dear Patient,

I'm writing to inform you of my plans to close my medical practice on April 23, 2010. No medical services may be provided after that date. If you... BLA BLA BLA....

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!

so now, the one person who's seen more of my dick in the last three months than any other one person has had enough of me too!?!?! he's leaving me... he wants me to go to some other uroloigst?!?! well, i don't want to go to some other urologist i want my urologist!!!

fuck.

or as the kids say: FUCK MY LIFE.

well, actually, the kids say "FML". so i'll say that...

fml.

Dickey Dick Dick

i  am a bad influence on myself sometimes.

like at work i'm talking to a new client who called us up and at the end of our conversation i ask him for his full name and i start writing it down....

Richard....

Dickes.....

AND I BURST OUT IN UNCONTROLABLE LAUGHTER *AHAHAHAHAHAHA* FALLING ON THE FLOOR SPITTING AND CRYING AND GOING NUTS...

then...

i collect myself and act like i am coughing.

"no, it's okay. it's happened before" he said.

no shit? ya don't say? really?!?!?!

Dick Dickes... man, Dick's parents sure hated the shit outta him.

life can be so unfair.

and i will never grow up.

:-)

Random cougar sex fail

on tuesday i went to my urologist in the gold coast to have a cystoscopy done. if you don't know what that is it's when the doc takes one of those medieval torture devices and rams it up your dick through your pee-hole... (sorry, don't know how else to explain it) ... and let me tell ya, it's the weirdest fucking thing i've ever felt (while not drunk).

anyway, i walk out feeling like i have razor blades jammed up in there, each one scratchin' and scrapin' more than the next and i just barely limp to the bus stop outside the doctor's office.

then outta nowhere, as if to pounce like the rich doctor's wife she probably is, this cougar comes up to me and starts chattin' me up. givin' me the "eyes", the winks, the lip-licking... full court press. (i've seen this tactic used before at bars but this was a fucking bus stop and it was 3 in the afternoon so i was caught a bit off my game.)

on any other day -- and i do mean ON ANY OTHER FUCKING DAY IN THE HISTORY OF TIME, MY LIFE, YADDA YADDA -- i'd totally dip off into one of those fancy brownstones where she probably lives and live a little myself, walk away from it feelin' good and that'd be the end of it.

but on this day i feel like i've got A BAZILLION GINSUS PLAYING CHOPSTICKS ON MY SHAFT and the slightest hint of feeling down there just made it worse so...

i had to bail.

i know. i'm sad too.

do i regret it?

no. i regret having razor blades jammed up my dick. that's what i regret.

that and not asking the cougar if she had a daughter.