Scare yourself

if you're like me, nothin' gets your blood pumpin' much like a good, old fashioned horror movie.

unfortunately, horror movies pretty much suck nowadays. or, maybe it was just that i was naive enough to be duped into those "horror" worlds when i was younger and now, as a realist, i see through the hollyweirdness of it all. for what it's worth, i think the last "scary" movie that actually got my heart rate up was the japanese version of "the ring" and even that was a stretch.

enter the interwebs.

if you REALLY wanna scare the shit out of yourself, follow this plan:

turn off all the lights. throw in a dark soundtrack (i personally suggest hans zimmer's the dark knight; start at the very beginning and let it play through). then read, from start to finish, ted bundy's wikipedia page.

i guarantee you you will jump at least once.

Quick! Somebody kill tiger woods

...because he broke sky daddy's rules, man:

If a man commits adultery with another man's wife--with the wife of his neighbor--both the adulterer and the adulteress must be put to death.
Deuteronomy 22:22

so, according to god (and don't you christians go pickin' and chooosin' which parts of the bible you hold as fact), tiger must be murdered... ethan hawke must be murdered... hell, every politician should probably be murdered too...

'cuz they're all cheaters. ALL OF 'EM!

the bible is nonsensical bullshit.

WAKE UP!

You have GOT to be FUCKING kidding me

so now, not only are we educated folk subjected to the heinous idiocy of the sky god realm by having to recognize an old guy in a silly white hat as having some sort of revered opinion on world issues, but now we also have to be okay with the fact that under his not-so-watchful eye a whole shitload of pedophilia was "allowed" (at least, certainly not punished in a just manner) to permeate the church...

of course, this isn't really news to most of us... the molestation problems within catholosicm have been widely publicized for some time now. the real fucking joke is that since the pope is being exposed as an abettor in this mess, people (like myself) want him gone, and our loud cries for justice are quickly met with (yep, you guessed it) more fantasyland sky god bullshit:

says some "reverend" thomas doyle (a whistle blower in this case):

"the only person who can fire him [the pope] is god"

well, ain't that fucking convenient?

sorry, you're honor... i may have looked the other way while all these children's lives were being destroyed in order to keep the image of the church in tact, and you might think that a criminal act, but guess what, only god can punish me. haha! fucker!

except there's one little problem, popey pope, god is as real as my three way doublemint twins fantasy.

and let me tell ya, if that were real, i wouldn't be wasting my time writing about your sorry ass.

Once you'll see this you'll never be the same

i am sorry. i am so, so sorry.

Uh-oh...

if i ever see this kid in my neighborhood i'm moving the fuck out like yesterday

Intelligent people will disregard red flags if it means they can get laid...

...i know this cuz it happened to me with one of my ex girlfriends.

i asked her what type of books she likes to read and she answered non-fiction, that she mostly read books about serial killers. those were her favs.

for some reason all i heard her say was non-fiction and i was like 'okay, can we bone now?'

we were together for a year and by the end there was no denying that she might try to kill me.

she just had that look in her eye, and the know-how, from the books.

the moral of the story is listen before you try to sleep with some girl; but i'm a dude and i think we dudes know that sorta shit just doesn't work.

we fuck. that's what we do!

Bonerjamz epiphany

on monday nights my friends and i play pub trivia in the south loop.

we are team bonerjamz.

we are awesome.

and tonight they had some lady there selling raffle tickets to support and fund research for sick kids with cancer.

i bought a ticket.

another buddy of mine (his name is Theo) bought two tickets.

and then a third guy (let's call him Jerod cuz that's his name) said something i'll never forget cuz it's something we rarely think of but perhaps ought to:

"what if the kid my money saves grows up to murder me?"

bonerjamz!