The church, the military... all discriminatory fucks

WHO... THE... FUCK... CARES!?!?

seriously.

if i'm in a war and i have ten men and women out there fighting under my command, the LAST fucking thing i'm gonna be concerned about it is what sort of hole each individual likes to get off on.

why is the military (or any institution for that matter) so concerned with sexual preference?

doesn't seem like it really matters in the grand scheme of things.

i know jesus/god/sky-daddy says he'll forgive you if you sin and all that, no prob... BUT if you're a dude and you like butt-sex with other dudes, you're fucked. sorry. jesus will forgive you for murdering your mother and father while they sleep, but he really doesn't want you to get a b.j. from your neighbor jack.

yeah. sure. makes sense.

if you're fucking stupid.

Holy shit

when i was a kid i really believed that holy water was indeed holy -- that it was magic, or something. i believed that because i had been raised to believe that. without ever thinking for myself, i was never allowed or encouraged to ask questions. holy water was holy just cuz i was told it was by my elders; and to question the validity of that would send me to a dark, evil place.

OF COURSE I'M NOT GONNA QUESTION IT!?!

why don't religious folks SEE or UNDERSTAND this basic logic?

makes me wanna... spit.

Wooden bear dick

what would jesus do?

I did one last thing before i left china...

... i gave away a bunch of t-shirts.

most chinese people are non-believers nowadays. some remain superstitious, but when it comes to sky daddies and talking trees and shit, the chinese, for the most part, know to say 'fuck that'.

show me some proof.

as a westerner, i think it's fair to say the chinese are kickin our asses every which way right now. it's no surprise they're more prone to logic than we are too.

Seriously? his own car too?

still? we're still allowing apparently logical, grounded people to believe this guy has some magic power, some enchanted spirit that somehow transcends into the sky to mesh with an invisible man?

it's fucking ludicrous.

the time, the money, the grandeur wasted on such a joke is as sad as it is disappointing.

Usherfucked

seems fair to me.

Miss you, grandma

one of my sweetest childhood memories almost killed me.

i was at my grandma's house, where i could get away with anything. she was out in the garden and i was on the front porch, playing with my star wars guys. i was about eleven or twelve years old.

it came time for there to be a ritual sacrifice among my star wars guys, so i doused one with grandma's aquanet (something i'd picked up from the bullies at school) then set him atop an empty mt. dew can... and struck a match... and llet him burn!!!!

and burn... *cough*

*cough-cough-cough* and... *cough*...

...burn and *cough-cough*... and...

i was suffocating on the fumes when --

grandma opened the front porch door and said:

"whadya doin' in here?"

"burnin' my star wars guys"

"oh. okay."

We call it delusion because it's fucking delusion

the religious get upset when i use the word "delusional" to describe them in regards to their so-called faith. they get upset when i mention we have a word for people who believe an unseen voice is talking to him, that an unseen, intangible being can hear/see/affect everything in the universe everywhere at the exact same moment at time, in the world, spinning around and shit.

that word is psychotic.

and i admit, calling someone psychotic is sort of a big deal. it's a challenge.

but it's still true... "delusional" is just a more polite way to say it.

and that is my point.

when i call you FUCKING DELUSIONAL i'm really just being nice.

Let sam say it

"the problem that religious moderation poses for all of us is that it does not permit anything very critical to be said about religious literalism. we cannot say that fundamentalists are crazy, because they are merely practicing their freedom of belief."

-- sam harris

- - -
sometimes i have a problem communicating the above tenet... so i post it here so it's easy to find in the future.

i'm being selfish.

:-)

xenu? seriously?

think about that.

we can't call them nuts. we have to respect their freedom to believe whatever they want, even though they believe this crazy guy in the sky is the reason we exist.

it's fucking horseshit.

Dwelling on all that i missed

being raised in religion, by religion, i am confident that i missed out on a ton of awesome, cool shit as a youth.

i could've gotten laid when most kids get laid. i could've formed that metal band i always wanted to feature in. i could've looked at skin mags without feeling guilty.

in other words, i could've been what a kid's supposed to be: searching, discovering, understanding the world around him through experience.

instead i was enslaved by idiocy.

locking kids up in religion, against their own free will, is a crime.

a serious crime, in my opinion.

and yet those religious zealot fuckheads responsible are free to go around spreading nonsensical looney tunes about sky daddys and fairies and talking flora. they're even revered for it.

bleh.

Show me the fucking evidence

if i were to make an announcement to the world that i knew a spaceman from the sky who created the world in an hour while watching an episode of the cosby show -- that he'd come down and talked to me, to help make the world right -- you'd demand some sort of evidence for me to be taken seriously. otherwise i'd be seen as just another nutcase.

but with religion we allow them to be crazy because it's a right, a freedom, to believe in whatever ya wanna believe, no matter how detrimental to logic, to progress.

and that's another reason why we haven't gone outside our solar system yet.

the stupid people are holding us back.

Diggin' up another max cavalera hit

i don't know why i have such a hard-on for max's music. but i do. and that ain't gonna change.

i like turning it up really loud and running really fast for as long as i can.

running and running and running... as if someone's chasing me.

this song kicks some serious ass... especially while running.

This motherfucker is fucking crazy

remember this shit?

that guy also believes that a skydaddy named xenu brought humans to this planet in a fucking spaceship 75 million years ago.

cuck-oo

Goddamnit! more badass stormtroopin!

is it me or have the internets been ablaze with badass muthafuckin' stormtrooper pics lately?!?

they're everywhere!!!

i think someone needs to start photoshoppin' stormtroopers into biblical story scenes.

haha. stormtrooper moses talkin' to burning bush. haha.

if that happens i would just shit.

(image via skull swap)

Facebook status mindfuck

the following was posted on my little sister's wall the other day:

"life can be hard, but always remember you have God who loves you unconditionally and that's something to be so happy about. People will let you down but God never will."

uh...

that's bullshit.

i've been a lot of places.

and none of 'em had a god.

and i got let down a whole fucking lot.

Alone

here's a rare occurrence:

i got on the bus. and...

no one was on it.

at 7 p.m.

i was all alone.

*cue the drama*

such is the life of a non-believer.

Burgers for breakfast

i saw this decal on a burger king window somewhere in rural wisconsin.

burgers for breakfast.

and we americans wonder why we have the reputation of being stupid.

as a whole, we have to be one of the dumbest nations on the planet. jesus is gonna come down and save us? god doesn't like gay people? and we should eat burgers for breakfast?

give me a fucking break.

Everybody has a toby...

...mine just happens to be millions of religious zealots.

Cat cock

for some reason i want there to be a band named "cat cock".

those are two things i would most dislike in my face: a cat. and a cock.

keep those away from me.

cat cock.

(image via skull swap)

Still stuck in the fence

every day, on my way to work, i walk by this fence. and for the last two years (yes, TWO YEARS) i have stopped and paid homage to this stick... this stick stuck in the fence.

it's a thing of beauty, really.

i don't know how it got there. it just did. maybe it was a storm, maybe some kid stuck it up there, maybe a fire-breathing monkey from outer space.

i dunno.

but i do know it's a pretty cool thing to see every day.

so i always stop and look at it.

and just appreciate it for what it is.

How hard could it be to start your own religion?

it just takes a leader, right? someone dedicated, convincing and ballsy enough to declare him/herself an incarnation of "god"?

david koresh.

that hale-bopp guy and gal.

fucking joseph smith.

i could do that shit.

in fact, in high school, my buddy phil and i -- both wandering, indecisive, closet atheists -- decided we'd make a bunch of money if we started our own religion. we had a whole plan in the works... but then we chickened out for a foot in the real world.

but we coulda done it.

we coulda kicked some religious ass.

More stormtroopin' fuckin'

this is just an excuse to use the tags "star wars" and "sex" in the same entry again. i love when i get to do that. it's like christmas... for non-believing star wars dorks.

uh...

ORGASMORGASMORGASMORGASMORGASMORGASMORGASMORGASMORGASMORGA
ORGASMORGASMORGASMORGASMORGASMORGASMORGASMORGASMORGASMORGA
ORGASMORGASMORGASM?CONFUSION?ORGASMORGASMORGASMORGASMORGASMAO
ORGASMORGASMORGASMORGASMORGASMORGASMORGASMORGASMORGASMORGAS
ORGASM

Good for oklahoma

there ARE sane oklahomans! who woulda thunk that shit!?!

it's true, an atheist billboard is up, people are seein' it, the shit is gettin' stirred.

i have some relatives in oklahoma. they're bright folks. they're atheists... although closeted. maybe this will encourage them to get the fuck outta the closet and get to work askin' those important questions!

we haven't much time...

Conceding that we'll never see it

another plug for the smbc folks. they sure do get things right.

how many people pray again? and how many times a day? gee, you know how many people are praying for me? i'm almost ashamed that so much energy is wasted in my name, imagine how god must feel!

oh, but wait, god...

... isn't real.

nevermind.

Things that should scare the shit out of you

I remember the moment...

... the very first moment that i felt something about religion just wasn't right. that it was wrong. all wrong.

and prior to that i was as blind and powerless under the spells of religiosity as i am adamantly against its dangerous defiance of logic today.

all it took was that one moment of clarity.

and it started with a question.

WARNING: strong, emotional experiences can lead to blind stupidity

when i saw braveheart for the first time, i came out of the theatre a changed boy.

i knew what love meant... so i thought.

i knew what the ideals of liberty were... so i thought.

i knew everything there was to know about life at that single point -- the same point where logic loses all relativity.

after that point, i could not hear you if you tried to tell me there was ever a better movie made.

NEVER!!!

braveheart... is... the... best. ever.

nothing, NOTHING, would break that so called "logic".

braveheart was my religion... my allegiance to that movie, for all that it did for me, could not be tarnished. not one bit.

that's what religion is to people. that's why they believe in it.

they're fucking LOONEY TUNES BAT SHIT CRAZY MUTHAFUCKAS!

Wang Lihong de Bu keneng cuo guo ni

when i lived in china, i commited several popular songs to memory, so that when i was forced out to the karaoke clubs with friends, co-workers and human beings in general, i would have something to add to the party.

at times, i even became the party.

cuz whitey speaks mad chinese yo.

*ahem*

i can sing this one from start to finish. on command. no prob.

I've heard this one before:

Should be life motto

make the most of every day.

it may sound cheesy and silly... but i'm serious.

don't fool yourself into believing there's anything more to life than what we see and experience. that's all we can prove. and while the idea of having an everlasting soul and shit sounds nice, it can't be proven.

not in the slightest.

so enjoy what ya got while ya got it while ya can.

MUTHAFUQQA!!!

(image via smbc)

If ya were lookin' for the most embarrassing ride ever...

...well, here 'tis:

what a fucking joke.

i like how christians (and religious folks in general) consider themselves to be ego-less -- people who don't seek attention... the meek.

meek my fucking ass.

this proves just how self-centered and ego-driven most christians are...

oh yeah... cuz in all the entire fucking universe of billions and billions and billions of fucking stars the only thing that is important is that I...I MEAN ME ME ME ME ME ME ME get to go to HEAVEN and have EVERYTHING i want cuz I'M IMPORTANT!!!!

go fucking bang your head on a hymnal for a couple hours will ya.

jesus.

(image via WSTDLLRI)

Draw the rest of the fucking owl!!!

i used to draw a lot. as a kid.

then i lost touch with it.

then found it again.

then lost it.

and i haven't found it again... yet.

in other words, this pastime of mine, unlike any of the others, is a hit and run pastime. and i never know when it's gonna strike.

but i have a feeling that it will soon. maybe this will get me to laugh my way back into it.

(image via skull swap)

Beyonce can be a bitch all she wants, I don't care

i know she has the reputation of being a diva.

but the world needs divas... not a lot of them, but some.

j-lo. madonna. beyonce.

they're allowed.

but beyonce especially. she's beautiful. she's a leader. she's got killer chords.

AND she sings in spanish.

SPANISH!

now, if only we could get her to ditch the invisible sky daddy routine for the likes of logic and reason...

I've seen that for real

all the time.

it's a chinese thing.

me and my buddy (a fellow american in fact) tried to both ride on the same bike. i pedaled from the seat and he sat on the storage space above the back tire.

we were an awful mess.

i never worked so hard for so little in my whole life.

but the chinese make it look easy.

(image via ihmp)

We can't help that we're smarter than you

one of the problems i face throughout my unfettered campaign to educate the masses on what is and isn't logical in terms of religion (read: religion is not logical, at all) is that i come across as "mean"... as a "bully"... that i'm "arrogant" and i don't "respect" the values and belief systems of others.

if i walked into a room full of math scholars and told them that 100 divided by 10 is actually 5, not 10 like they think it is, they would all laugh at me. i could then plead my correctness by saying the answer is 5, because i have faith that it is, despite my inability to prove my theory.

still, they would laugh at me. as they should.

because such behavior is idiotic.

we wouldn't allow such foolery to exist in other discourses, like topography, medicine, geology... but for some reason we have to allow it in religion because it wouldn't be polite otherwise.

FUCK... THAT... SHIT.

i'm arrogant? i'm being mean? i'm a bully?

sorry, but i don't recall ever killing someone over something as stupid and unfounded as religion. i also don't recall ever demanding others respect my belief in fairy tales, or hijacking intelligent conversation with bronze age stories of talking snakes and authoritative bushes.

give me.

a fucking.

break.

Va-va-va-jay-jay

when i was a sophomore in college, my buddy and i were studying in a library room late at night and out of boredom i got up and wrote across the chalkboard in great big block letters:

"VUH JAY JAY IS GOOD"

we both looked at it and laughed.

then he erased the "VUH" with his hand and wrote "VA".

apparently i had written va jay jay wrong.

but seeing how ours was a collaboration, i then took the chalk from him, erased one of the "O"s, stepped back and we both took in our collective brilliance:

"VA JAY JAY IS GOD"

that was 1998.

nothing's changed.

(thanks to C for the pic)

"Panties"

lots of people hate that word.

i don't mind it. i mean, i don't mind the way it sounds... but i don't like how it sounds when it comes out of my mouth.

i can't think of any other word that i can say the same for.

panties.

This is the one i saw...

...which is why no one understood when i said:

my favorite part is when harry bites off
phineas nigellus black's ballsack and shoves it down his throat.

(more cool stuff from these folks)

I say "pussy", you say "box"

this is the sorta shit i have to deal with.

every.

single.

day.

you'd think mr. chinese guy would listen to what the fuck i have to say when it comes to translating shit into english. you know, my first language IS english after all. such stubborn quibbles lead to bouts of embarrassment.

why be so fucking bullheaded about it?

or did you really mean to publish a book on chinese vaginas?

i'd buy that. hell, i could probably even be an expert on the subject. just let me have editorial power when it comes to the english shit.

Why the fuck not the smurfs?

they have a central, fatherly, god-like leader in papa smurf.

they're fucking blue.

and they got one chick to bang the entire species.

what the fuck is the difference between the fantasy of that and the fantasy of a talking snake, a virgin birth and a dead guy coming back to life after being dead for three days?!?!??!????!!!!!

do either of those scenarios sound even halfway sane?

of course not.

(image via ihmp)