Awwww yeah, jesus raps yo! B-Shoc!

uh.... somebody please tell me this is parody...

whether it is or not, you're bound to laugh your ass off... and if you can make it the entire five minutes without pissing your pants i applaud you!

thx jerod for the link!

The bible

also:

incest -- good

incest babies -- great

genocide -- awesome

(via the friendly atheist)

More infuriation (or, Petty criticism my ass)

apparently the pope's critics -- those (like myself) who are angered by his passive stance against and tolerance for known pedophiles in the priesthood -- are simply engaging in the "petty gossip of dominant opinion".

okay, popey pope. yeah. whatevs.

'cuz raping children under the guise of christianity sure is petty. what a fucking joke.

everything about the vatican makes me sick right now.

i'm apalled.

seriously.

and i'm not an idiot. i realize that the majority of catholics (while deluded and close-minded) are probably nice, kind people.

but isn't it a bit ironic that the same people who tout religion as being necessary to ensure moral standards somehow find baby-raping to be exempt from this necessary code?

the hypocrisy is as astounding as it is infuriating.

Well, duh, no shit

(via 9GAG)

"Pinata, filled with meat"

via smbc

(their comics kick ass. seriously. check 'em out.)

Shy chica

there's this super hot chick i see around my neighborhood.

she's perfect. for me. just perfect.

yet, every single time i stop and speak to her she just smiles past me, like i'm not even there; and what's worse is that she still looks hot while she's doing it.

here she is:

gorgeous eyes. beautiful smile. lots of money.

fucking perfect.

yes, this is very reminiscent of that episode of the office where michael scott falls in love with the chair catalogue chick... whom dwight later finds out is actually dead.

my love is probably dead too.

at least, that's what i'm gonna tell myself until tax season is over and she moves the fuck away.

You have GOT to be FUCKING kidding me

so now, not only are we educated folk subjected to the heinous idiocy of the sky god realm by having to recognize an old guy in a silly white hat as having some sort of revered opinion on world issues, but now we also have to be okay with the fact that under his not-so-watchful eye a whole shitload of pedophilia was "allowed" (at least, certainly not punished in a just manner) to permeate the church...

of course, this isn't really news to most of us... the molestation problems within catholosicm have been widely publicized for some time now. the real fucking joke is that since the pope is being exposed as an abettor in this mess, people (like myself) want him gone, and our loud cries for justice are quickly met with (yep, you guessed it) more fantasyland sky god bullshit:

says some "reverend" thomas doyle (a whistle blower in this case):

"the only person who can fire him [the pope] is god"

well, ain't that fucking convenient?

sorry, you're honor... i may have looked the other way while all these children's lives were being destroyed in order to keep the image of the church in tact, and you might think that a criminal act, but guess what, only god can punish me. haha! fucker!

except there's one little problem, popey pope, god is as real as my three way doublemint twins fantasy.

and let me tell ya, if that were real, i wouldn't be wasting my time writing about your sorry ass.

Darth vader-ed

why? because i fucking can.

that's why.

:-)

(thanks to i hate my parents and skull swap for the pics)

Force fed

yeah, yeah, i know. this is one cute, adorable picture.

but, metaphorically speaking, it opens the door on some pretty sick shit. let me explain:

look, my parents did a decent job of raising me. they're good people. except, there's this one thing they did that caused me a lot strife in life -- something i've not been able to shake openly and publicly until just recently... and that is that my parents force fed me the christian bullshit. they weren't holy roller evangelicals or anything like that, but it was pretty clear growing up that i had to be a christian and i had to be a christian for one reason and one reason only: because they were christians. and i think that's a pretty shitty thing for a parent to do.

yeah, sure, they meant no harm in it. they were just following suit, doing what they thought was right. but what they thought was right because society says it's right was actually pretty fucking harmful.

thinking your little jewish friend is gonna burn in hell and gnash her teeth while getting gang raped by satan and his evil minions for eternity is a fucking awful, fucking terrible, FUCKING LUDICROUS thing to teach a ten year old child. in the presence of elders, a ten year old child will believe that sort of shit and he will have nightmares and he will start talking to an invisible non-existent sky daddy in order to help prevent that situation... and when he finds out his little jewish friend's mom and dad say the same thing about him -- that he's destined for a life of eternal damnation, of skin melting heat, of infinitely brutal torture, because he doesn't follow the right sky daddy -- that kid will be REALLY FUCKED UP.

so we know this kid dressed in a care bear suit surrounded by care bears didn't dress up like that on its own. mommy and daddy did it. it was done for the amusement of the adults and the amusement of the adults only.

that kid had no fucking choice in the matter.

and if kids deserve anything, they deserve to have a choice.

Jizya

this ain't yo grand-daddy's islam

jiz ya!

Oh, hell yes, you go, greta!

greta christina's open letter is about as concise as one can get on this subject.

i highly recommend you read it.

quick! go read it!

here's the link again: *CLICK ME*

...giants and unicorns...ONE OF THESE DAYS!

this is probably already being used as a teaching tool in those jesus schools...

and yes this is a joke

Well, F-M-L

failing relationships? i get that. i mean, i understand why all of mine have failed up to this point...

i'm stubborn. i'm always right. i tend to commandeer a conversation.

most women get tired of that shit and i've never cared about any of them enough to ever change, i suppose. i mean, i'm not a mean guy or anything, i just like doing my own thang -- goin' to a game, the bar, a road trip... on a moment's notice.

so i understand why THEY ALL LEAVE ME... BUT THIS...

THIS is not cool.

a letter.

from my urologist. arrived today. it said:

Dear Patient,

I'm writing to inform you of my plans to close my medical practice on April 23, 2010. No medical services may be provided after that date. If you... BLA BLA BLA....

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!

so now, the one person who's seen more of my dick in the last three months than any other one person has had enough of me too!?!?! he's leaving me... he wants me to go to some other uroloigst?!?! well, i don't want to go to some other urologist i want my urologist!!!

fuck.

or as the kids say: FUCK MY LIFE.

well, actually, the kids say "FML". so i'll say that...

fml.

I present to you a dog that listens better than all the sky daddy followers i know

see. the dog gets it.

Let us not sugarcoat it...

...because it won't get through that way.

we have to be blunt. we have to be straightforward. we have to be as relentless in our quest for the truth as the sky daddy followers are delusional in their claims.

there's no easy way to say it, but it must be said:



sorry, mom. but you know just as well as i do, the human mind is highly susceptible to hallucination.

and you're fucking hallucinating.

Perception is a bitch

to-MAY-to, to-MAH-to, bla bla bla...

most people find cats adorable. i find them despicable: cute little agents of chaos who will burn you when ya ain't lookin' (or in my case, while you're lookin' right at 'em). just look at this cat. it most definitely harbors some hidden agenda. being this close to the remote control is not natural.

of course, i realize i am in the minority here -- that i'll never break the 'cats are cute' status quo. but that doesn't mean i have to join the masses. in fact, it means i have to work harder to shift the balance.

did i mention i am highly allergic to them?

look, it's hard for me to argue against the fact that cats are cute. they are. some hookers are cute too; but i know if i sleep with one i might come out burned.

with cats, i KNOW i'll come out burned... suffering along with great big welts, hives... watery, itchy eyes... and the intolerable feeling that an army of fire ants are digging through every single pore of my skin.

damn you kitties!!!

(this feline comes via greta)

Another max cavalera hit

a secret dream of mine is to one day play the lead guitar on this song live in front of thousands of groove metal thrashers and just rock the hell out like no man has ever rocked before.


that probably won't ever happen.

but if it does, it could surpass doing two chicks at the same time as the sweetest thing possible.

Jihad is real and it's right in front of your face...

 ... all ya have to do is read it. it's right there. in the koran.

chapter 47, verses 42-45:

And (as for) those who believe and do good, and believe in what has been revealed to Muhammad, and it is the very truth from their Lord, He will remove their evil from them and improve their condition. That is because those who disbelieve follow falsehood, and have given them their dowries, taking (them) in marriage, not fornicating nor taking them for paramours in secret; and whoever denies faith, his work indeed is of no account, and in the hereafter he shall be one of the losers. So when you meet in battle those who disbelieve, then smite the necks until when you have overcome them, then make (them) prisoners, and afterwards either set them free as a favor or let them ransom (themselves) until the war terminates. That (shall be so); and if Allah had pleased He would certainly have exacted what is due from them, but that He may try some of you by means of others; and (as for) those who are slain in the way of Allah, He will by no means allow their deeds to perish.

again, jihad is real. the pacificst, politically correct 'islam is a religion of peace' line is fucking bullshit. all throughout the koran and also the hadiths, the message is right there: infidels deserve to die and it honors allah when they die by the muslim sword.

islam is not just a religion. it's also a political machine and a social code. and if you truly believe in islam, then you cannot be a pussy. ya gotta fight and ya gotta fight hard... (also women suck and aren't allowed to be... human)

when religions pick and choose standards from their own supposedly holy canons it really pisses me off. either it is or it isn't, you can't have it both ways.

and the way of islam is kill, kill, kill.

The joker of shallot?

those crazy fucking brits are up to it again:

man, they really crack me to pieces.

the fucking lady of shallot is dead heath ledger!

hilarabs!

(via b3ta)

Susej

lemme guess, this is yet another "fact" christians cite when arguing the existence of their sky daddy...


(via 9GAG)

Another neighborhood signage fail

pretty sure this new store in the south loop is trying to be cool with how they spell their name (supposedly pronounced "success"); but all i see when i look at this is: suckas

IMA GITCHOO SUCKAS!

The genius of slayer

any investigative work on the history of heavy metal band slayer will net the investigator zero instances where band members align themselves with satanic practices.

but christians would like you to believe that.

they'd also like you to believe that they are nazi apologists (they're not) and anti-american (again, they're not).

in fact, if slayer is anything, it is smart as fucking smart can be.

there are a bazillion heavy metal bands, but none attack the church as adamantly as slayer; and in doing so they have created an unparalleled buzz that permeates both the religious and non-religious worlds.

as an impressionable youth trapped in the archaic dogma of the christian church, i didn't even know who or what slayer was until a sunday school teacher brought it up (this is in the early 90s if memory serves me right).

"they are satanic and they are intent on destroying christianity" she said.

so, of course, like any other curious kid, as soon as i got the chance i went out and bought their tape. and i fell in love with it; because i love parody and slayer is definitely parody. believe that.

and remember, there is no such thing as bad press. the soiled image of slayer branded by the church to stop people from listening to them only caused more people (the curious, the rebels, etc.) to listen to to them.

personally, i don't even pay attention to the lyrics (i can't understand half of them) but soaking in their guitar licks and their drop tuning and their thrashing symphony of sound has long been a favorite way for me to blow off steam. and besides, i do enjoy the looks i get when i -- the last person on earth you'd ever seriously consider to harbor metal head tendencies -- scream out "GOD HATES US ALL!"



rock on.

:-)

SAY IT OUT LOUD!

fucking 9gag at it again.

this is so much better than i'm a sofa king we todd it.

so much better.

"Trudget"

sometimes my buddy (his name is Pie) and i get together, get fucked up and make up words. one of us writes the new word on a flashcard and the other writes the definition on the back.

another one from the vault:

Trudget
-adjective, pronounced troo-JAY
1. relating to the 1940s
2. being a product of the 1940s


example:


mikey's dad is so trudget. every day he comes home from work at the plant, drinks busch beer and beats his wife after her tupperware party is over.

Understanding their "god experience"

a well-prepared and educated atheist cannot lose a debate with a religious person. he just can't. because no matter what, the religious person cannot provide proof for his argument, that a god exists.

until he can prove that, the status quo is that god doesn't exist.

but that never seems to stop the religious man (the christian to be exact) from coming back with his supposedly hallowed trump card that "i have experienced god in my life". whether the god experience in question is sky daddy picking him up while walking along the beach or answering his prayers with some physical sign (whatever mundane event he feels like attributing to "god" on any particular day), it is hard to argue with a christian about his "god experience".

so you don't. you can't. you can't have a logical discussion with someone who bases his argument on hallucination, delusion, make-believe wishful thinking. as an atheist, i cannot argue against said man's god experience. i can think it crazy (because it is, more or less) but i cannot deny the sincerity with which he speaks.

i may not believe in flying spaghetti monsters, but i do believe those individuals who say they have experienced them. why?

because it's all relative -- relative bullshit that susceptible folks convince themselves of being real. i know, because i've been there. i've been one of them.

of course, i was given no choice. i was forced to believe in the fairytales of the bible from as early as i can remember. church every sunday. youth groups. bible studies. i was part of the atrocity, part of the maniacal drone army of christians who was taught to never, ever, EVER question the existence of god and his holy jesus. it wasn't until i left my simple minded home at the age of 18 that i really started to digress from my christian roots; and during those early, formative years of my adolescence, i had lots and lots of those "god experiences".

it's simple really. victor turner summed it up with his communitas explanation. and i concur. the one common factor in all my "god experiences" was the influence of communitas. no question. my experiences took place at the front of the church, with hundreds of people gathered around me, praying for my soul, chantings, singing, waving hands in the air. my experiences came from christian rock concerts where 15,000 people gathered together in the name of holy jesus, speaking in tongues, sweating, praising that thing which none of us could see. my experiences came from the twisted teachings of elders who wanted the best for me, to become a strong christian leader in the community, to take over for them one day so that the lie could continue on and on and on...

as you can see, none of these "god experiences" came on its own, without suggestion from others, without the comfort of knowing a whole sea of equally misguided people had my back.

having eschewed the fettering shackles of the church long ago, i continue to have "god experiences" in my life today, only now i am awake enough to know such experiences have nothing to do with god and everything to do with what's going on in my brain. endorphins. blood pressure. serotonin.

probably my most memorable euphoric experiences (previously referred to here as "god experiences") took place in the dance clubs of Madrid, Beijing and Los Angeles -- all stops on my four year tour of ecstasy binging. when ya get a thousand people in one dark room with bass pumping and lights flashing and love brewing and serotonin levels rising it's nearly impossible for one to not feel like he/she is touching god. that's why i did it night after night after night.

and like my youthful dance with religion, such a lifestyle eventually caused me a lot of problems.

a college mentor of mine (a gun-totin' atheist lesbian no doubt) once said, with the secular wit she was universally known for, that: "if you wanna feel the hand of god, honey, drink a glass of red wine in a hot bath while listening to philip glass' metamorphosis. that, my dear, is the fucking hand of god."

she was right.

just in case you don't believe me, here's the first movement. you can supply the hot bath and red wine yourself.



:-)

Undoing the damage

a friend of mine sent me this picture recently:

yeah, i know. some friend.

this picture did so much damage to my brain that i am forced to counter with leia slave girl overload. this won't be the first time i've done a google image search for my grammar school love-crush...and it certainly won't be the last.

enjoy...

(click to enlarge, pun intended)

Star fucks

what can ya really say about this?

i can say that it reminds me of my buddy xiao lv, who i tried to teach some english slang. no matter how hard i tried, he insisted on adding an -ing to everything. so his insults (though full of emotion) were mostly comical:

"and fucking you motherfuckering! you don't knowing how i fucking hating you for your motherfuckering!"

miss ya, xiao lv.

(image via 9GAG)

This image of michael scott says so, so much

But what kind of a sky daddy would hate the very things he made?

good point.
and my question is: why would god hate anyone?

shouldn't he love us and enjoy us and all that we make, do, say... even we atheists? wouldn't god love atheists and know that we're good to go even though we deny his existence... wouldn't he just go ahead and forgive us because he made us and he loves us!?!?
no, of course not.
because god is not real, silly.

so we needn't waste our time on such philosophical snafus.
we have a planet that needs saving, among a million other things.

move along, people. move along.

The king of the delusionals

so yeah... the pope is all up in the headlines today for bein' soft on irish and german and whatever other nationality's priests who be rapin' altar boys these days.

okay. he's under scrutiny for some nasty sex scandals. i get that.

but why isn't he under scrutiny for parading around a ridiculously archaic worldview like it matters in the 21st century?

surely there is just punishment for such manipulative mind bending.

and that's all i have to say about that.

for now.

We are making progress, people

"what... is the penalty... for apostasy?!?"
(via the friendly atheist)

One bitchin' song...

Once you'll see this you'll never be the same

i am sorry. i am so, so sorry.

"Striptide"

sometimes my buddy (his name is Pie) and i get together, get fucked up and make up words. one of us writes the new word on a flashcard and the other writes the definition on the back.

here ya go:

Striptide
-noun
1. someone who has found Mr. Wonderful.

example:

ever since marcie met michael she has been such the typical office striptide, sometimes even bragging about it out loud. what a bitch.

Guilty pleasures

though i find religion to be a totally unnecessary and alienating allegiance to delusion, i must say that i find much of the art it inspires to be simply beautiful.

i struggle with that.

but my final consolation tends to be that i also find beauty in the make-believe sci-fi worlds of star wars. similarly, my admiration for religious art is mostly harmless -- one that i have learned to separate from the rest of its infectious reality.

having lived in china for some time, i became quite enamored with buddhist sculpture. i brought back several pieces and they adorn my home. when guests see them, they are confused. are you a buddhist? i thought you despised religion? these are common questions.

when i look at these sculptures i don't see buddhism. i see exercises in symmetry, peace, contemplation.

these pieces calm me.

i think the last one here is my fav, mostly 'cuz there's a little hole in the hand where i can stick stuff depending on my mood.

wait, that didn't sound quite how i wanted it to. oh well. it's still true.

i guess those who dislike my position on religion would use my appreciation of religious art and my affection for its images to argue that religion is necessary.

nope. still not necessary. i like this stuff, yeah, 'cuz it's cool to look at and all, but surely it would (and does) still exist outside the walls of its institution.

i guess the common theme is: imagination will always inspire beauty.

Uh-oh...

if i ever see this kid in my neighborhood i'm moving the fuck out like yesterday

My crush 3

okay, this is one of them man-crushes... but come on, how can one not crush on carl sagan?

i simply can't get enough of carl sagan. if he were alive i'd drive to wherever he was and knock on his door over and over again until either a) the cops take me away or b) he agrees to hang out with me for at least one hour.

of course, i'm lying but i wish i weren't.

elegant to the point of creating a sort of music with his speech, sagan made science fun, important, relevant.

just watch this clip:

i have an overwhelming desire to buy sagan a beer, put my arm around him and tell him i'm happy.

but he's dead so i can't.

but i can tell you.

i'm happy!

My crush 2

crush.

crush.

and crush hard.

i've already brought up my love for jenna fischer (aka PAM).

well, then there's julia segal. totally dig. she's real. she has a website. i check her website like fifty times a day. (i wish i was kidding)

she's funny hilarious. she's pretty goregous. and she's got a problem boyfriend...

damn.

i was too late.

Since you're such a fan of penn's, this is for you, toby!

Jesus is for lease

just like my favorite used car salesman used to always say:

"why go elsewhere to be cheated? come here first."

or, be smart and think on your own. 

(via the friendly atheist)

Wtf sign

i live in a predominantly chinese neighborhood. anyone who is not one of them, who does not speak their language (which is why i am accepted) is shunned by all.

(they're very racist people and i can say that truthfully because i've been around it for 13 years now.)

so when a thai business came along and infiltrated the vibe, they started to draw glares from the chinese everywhere they went.

for the longest time i thought it was the actual thais that had everyone upset.

but maybe it is just their business sign:

i'm not sure what's worse: the enlarged and poorly photographed portrait of a little girl with a weird instrument in her hands or the four different fonts spelling out words we're mostly unfamiliar with, leaving us with a general idea of Golden Brand Jasmine Rice Little Girl with Instrument.

is that offensive? to the eye, yes. deserved of shunning?

perhaps.

Sometimes i'm still just a star wars dork

one of my favorite pastimes is trawling the interwebs looking for cool stuff and somehow today i stumbled upon these:

here's the website where i found them. i'd pay a good amount of money for that stormtrooper portrait to be enlarged and framed and hung above my mantle...

...if i had a mantle...

...or a fireplace.

Just the thought of this being a reality makes me want to gut-fist myself while wearing a needle-studded glove made out of burning toxic brine

No offense, scott butcher, but you're fucking stupid

scotty boy there is one of the guys who created the rapture letters website. (yeah, i ain't gonna link to it cuz it's the dumbest thing i've ever heard of and i am not in the spirit of linking idiocy.)

basically, these crazies are convinced their boy jesus is comin' back to save their asses (we heathen atheists along with the jews, muslims, buddhists, hindus and whatevists are all gonna have to stay here and suffer hell on earth) and when he does come back he's takin' them up into the sky to be with sky god who is also actually, or maybe, no, he is also jesus and also the holy spirit sky god something -- anyway, those concerned christians can enter the email addresses of their "lost" associates with the hope that after the rapture comes we stubborn non-believers will get that email, be convinced, and try hard as hell to get saved so we don't miss their awesome christian party in the sky. with sky daddy.

it's fucking bullshit.

and i bet my email address is in that damn database fifty million times.

fuck!

anyway, this scott butcher guy was interviewed as part of brian flemming's the god who wasn't there documentary and i swear to fucking sky god he said that he had heard commercial airlines implemented a special rule to prepare for the rapture, that no two christians could pilot a plane at the same time because when the rapture comes the christians will simply disappear and if two christian pilots disappear midair then that would be a problem.

first of all, scott, go fuck yourself; because if you are that dumb to believe in something that fucking dumb then the only fucking you should be allowed is fucking yourself; please don't waste your energy on the thinking.

second, if that's true (and i assure you it is not) then christians shouldn't be allowed to drive either, less their cars go unsteered, left to crash into innocent people when they're taken away in the rapture. then again, if the only innocent people the christians' abandoned car hurts ends up being heathen non-christians, then they're not really innocent are they? they deserve to die... that would be the christian way of thinking, right? a passionate god who will forgive you for anything but if you don't believe in him you're gonna fucking rot?!?!

third (i could go up to the millions here), scott, have you ever -- ONCE -- have you ever FUCKING LISTENED TO YOURSELF?!?  have you ever had an independent thought? ever?

seriously?

it's people like scott butcher that make me feel like there is no hope at all... that the religious zealots blind to the riches of reason will destroy everything in their path in the name of make believe, and we educated folk, outnumbered as we are, will just get trampeled along the way.

might as well go down fightin'.

which causes me to use the word "fuck" a lot. i apologize for its polarizing effect. but i cannot censor my passion.

This is how we do it

i was at a dinner for the entire class and my chinese teacher wanted to impress everyone with his english so he told us all his zodiac sign and went on from there: "yes...er... i rike to terring you... my wife, she a pig. so err... i am, my wife, she rike to find a cock and i am a cock for her to riking."

his zodiac sign was the rooster, chicken, cock. whatevs.

i laughed so hard i nearly shit myself sideways.

believe that.

Wtf!

okay, i've thought about it long and hard and i still don't see how this could be very fun... or comfortable... for her.

My new favorite painting

i found this in a sotheby's hong kong auction catalogue from spring of '09.

ARTIST: yogie achmad ginanjar

TITLE: portrait of two girls with the fall of icarus

oil on canvas.

a painting of two cute bikini clad chicks with a frump-ball in the background and icarus falling out of the sky combine to make a totally kick-ass image. i tip my hat to thee, ginanjar.

Faith is not a virtue, it's a fucking cancer

if you think for one second that those jihadists who blew up the towers did so because they were evil incarnate, fraught with sinister blood, thoughts, intentions, then let me be the lucky one to tell ya that you are so full of shit. wake up! those crazy fucks didn't do that shit because they were evil, they did it because they believed their beliefs were/are true. they did then and their contemporaries do now. they understand their 'holy book' literally and therefore all non-muslims -- especially those who get in their way -- must die... for the glory of allah or whatevs...

they are just being good muslims.

and they only feel that way because they were brought up that way, from an early age, to believe in the plethora of bullshit and never question it.

now if i came up to you and said, "hey there, mister/ma'am, i got some inside information on the creator of this universe and he's a part dragon part clown thingy who can see and hear and touch and feel everything you do and all ya gotta do to be in his favor is give me a donation or, gee, if you're not doin' anything why don't you strap this dynamite on your back and walk into a courthouse"... don't you think you'd question this crazy ass motherfucker?

but people don't question religion, no matter how fucking nutso crazy it is (and i assure you, it is). we aren't allowed to question religion and that is a fucking tragedy.

"faith is a virtue" is the phrase kids are taught so they don't try to, y'know, think for themselves... ever. no other thing, place, idea has people so ready to support unquestioningly than religion... and it's the one thing that oughtta be questioned more than anything else. because even though it starts out as just a kid believing in some far-fetched fairytales... before long that kid is blowin' up buildings and murdering babies for the glory of god.

question... EVERYTHING

There are many things wrong with this picture...

let's start with the denim...