and this year is no different.
in 2010... i became a better person. 2011 will most definitely see me become even better yet.
because i finally started to give a shit.
after 31 fucking years of loathing of shimmying of running away of switching the moment of not being able to let go of banging my head against the wall, i FINALLY started to give a shit!
i did something about it.
i quit smoking. i started running. i made a point to spend time with my family. i ran in races. i met a girl. i changed my diet. i fell in love. i got my heart broken. i let myself cry. i pounded the roads. i got my ass to the gym. i got tough. i took pride in my body, determined to make it stronger. i picked myself up. i stood tall. i started making real connections with people, with my friends. i started to voice my feelings. i embraced my talents. i became disciplined. i kicked some serious road racing ass and i got myself back in the dating world where i'm slowly building quite the directory. so now, i simply can't wait for
and i'll tell you why 2011 is gonna be even better.
but i need to take a few minutes. and.
think about it.
maybe go on a nice, long... very, very long run.
i think the "god" these people reference would be okay with that. after all, he is an asshole. (he let jayson werth make $23 million a fucking year!)
(image via smbc)
grandmas are special. the memories i cherish of my grandma lois, who left us six years ago, are a testament to that.
it was rare that both my immediate grandmothers would be in the same room, especially after my parents divorced 25 years ago, but i have a picture of both of them sitting on an old 70s era pleather couch, me in my osh koshes between 'em, smiling a big cheesy smile. i think of that when i watch this vid and smile to tears of joy...
and as jesus day approaches, i'm gettin' bored with all the traditional christmas bullshit.
so, i was thinkin', maybe the best christmas present would be the stuff i've written here. yeah... i'll take all the entries i've written on sky god! and have them published as a book i can give to all my delusionoid relatives!!!!
hey, dummy who believes in unicorns, happy fucking christmas! now read this shit and get over yourself!
think it'd go over well?
what the fuck is he talking about, you're asking.
well, here's the deal:
for some reason i just happened to be listening to peter gabriel when i realized i was falling in love with the last chica i was seeing. this was a few months ago.
and i just haven't been able to stomach one of my favorite soul singers ever since. i was so fucking pissed at her for making me allergic to peter gabriel!!! seriously, i was beginning to get very pissed the fuck off.
but then, just recently, i was in a bookstore when that very song came on and i smiled and started groovin and a light bulb went on and i got super charged 'cuz i got MY MUTHAFUCKING PETER GABRIEL BACK!
the book MOVED me. very few books do that.
and i read it at a time in my life when i needed a friend more than anything else in the entire universe.
i know running's not for everybody, but it is for me. it is my drug of choice. it is the one physical act (other than fucking of course) that i think about, all the time, every day, all day long.
and when i watch this tarahumara vid below, i get high. maybe you will, maybe you won't. but i need to post it here for myself, so i can find it easily when i need it most.
the sexiness of the main guitar riff on this classic pantera song, coupled with the uncomfortable irony of lead guitarist dimebag darrell's gruesome death, always leaves me reluctantly charged.
the song is badass. no doubt. and to watch darrell's fingers move up and down the fret with the precise accuracy of a groove metal savant always leaves me satisfied.
but goddamn it if i don't get pissed off (EVERY TIME) now that the fucker's dead. with him died a musical genius.
(if you don't know the story of darrell's death, you can read about it here. you can even watch him die. yes, there is video on the interwebs of some fuckface murdering him -- and others -- on stage.)
shed some fucking skin.
i threw on my shoes, kicked out the door, and ran 8 miles as fast as i could, which ended up being about 6:40 per mile pace. but with just 1200 meters to go, i was quickly dying. going that fast for that long is something i'd never done before.
out of water, out of gels, out of gas... i resolved to give up and just walk to the eight mile marker.
then this song sprang on my zune.
i fucking blitzed to the end. in that moment of defeat, i found one last inspiration.
...there's a lot of money to be made (and a lot of mistakes to be fixed) if the chinese would just take me up on my offer to fix their country's engrish epidemic. i would even do it for a modest fee.
but they just don't listen.
they'd rather sell boba tea by likening it to sucking on balls.
and while i've never done the sucking on balls myself, i'm pretty sure it's a lot different then sucking on honeydew-flavored tapioca.
but don't quote me on that. not yet.
to make fuck music.
now, one must not always be fucking when listening to the deep, bass-bumpin tunes; just know that, in a perfect world, you would be fucking right at that moment.
'least that's how i see it. his new album (4x4=12) features a whole new slew of 'em, and this one in particular does a good job of translating my words into visuals, thoughts, etc.
FUCKITTY FUCK FUCK!
we're trying to make real moves here.
in fact, there's a good fucking chance stem cell research will help keep your sorry ass alive longer, so you can spit more lies into the face of fact.
every human being needs to watch this fucking movie.
if you have netflix, you can watch it instantly.
for me, this film hits on a subject that i've been delving deeper and deeper into the last few months. it's a tale of endurance, of pain, of suffering, of enlightenment, of finding out who you really fucking are -- inside and out.
those are all characteristics that most people have totally lost touch with. we aren't in tune with our bodies anymore. we're weak. we can't survive without our things, our toys, our technocracy.
having experienced this event through the words of the survivors, i feel a certain privilege... that i have more philosophical and physical fuel to charge my next adventure. and as my appetite for discovering who i really am increases, so too do the tests of my body swell.
7 time western states 100 winner and ultramarathon messiah, scott jurek, once said, "running is a vehicle for self-discovery."
indeed it is.
in fact, any physical challenge or test of endurance or cradling of lady death herself... any of these things will reveal one's true self.
and that's something that is lost on today's masses.
a fucking shame.
unless you're a fucking christian crazyface, like most of my family.
they prefer to judge, to ridicule, to gossip, to pressure, to... threaten...
in fact, what was an otherwise miraculously pleasant birthday party for my 8 year old nephew at a skating rink this past summer became an all-out war for my soul once a couple of my elders cornered me like the inquisition, asking me why i wouldn't take jesus as my lord and savior.
"because it's a fucking scam. a ludicrous, asinine, scam."
okay, i didn't say "fucking", but i should have.
anyway, based on the sheer tone and displeasure in my speech, i walked away from that discussion satisfied and confident that they would never bother me about it again.
now i'm getting jesus cards and sermons burned to cd and bibles and shit sent to my house. all of it... goes in the trash.
why can't they just leave me the fuck alone? why? WHY? WHY!?!?!??!
i don't corner you fucking idiots at family functions or clog up the mail by sending you the works of dawkins, hitchens and harris ad nauseum!!!!
and ya wanna know why i don't? because i respect you and your human right to be left the fuck alone, to do whatever you want, without some outside person imposing his agenda on you, just because he wants to.
get. over. your fucking selves. and just love me for who i am: an angry (yet charismatic and sometimes charming) non-believer who's been around the fucking block and cusses too much.
never will i forget the day curt cobain died. i was so, bothered. finally, here was a celebrity -- a star, a genius -- someone who got me. someone like me. with similar thoughts, pains, demons.
and boom, like that, he was fucking dead.
i don't think i ever got over that a hundred percent. there are some days when i can't help but wonder what sort of musical brilliance we missed out on because of his selfishness, his inability to fight...
i got demons. i hate myself sometimes. but, more than anything, i refuse to give up. i refuse to lay down.
i will always fucking fight.
and too fucking ridiculous to consider actual history.
(via skull swap)
as a people, we put a lot of value on things that are unnecessary: cars, clothes, y'know... material shit.
as a people, we look up in the sky and make up crazy, unprovable stories about faeries and dragons and talking snakes and sacrifices and bearded old men.
yet we think nothing of putting garbage in our kids' stomachs every day.
folks, we have a problem.
a big, fucking problem.
and in doing so, i often forget about certain things i'd once obsessed over.
here's one of those things.
what rap can be when surrounded by quality musical talent.
every once in a while she'll shoot one that takes my fucking breath away though... like this one:
(link to constance k's tumblr, link to her pro site ... <--- you might even find my mug there ;-)
and casts them out.
of fucking people's bodies.
sorry. i know you'd like to. and i know it's p.c. to not call you out on this bullshit. but i'm fucking tired of it. i'm tired of being a slave to your ignorant desire to reject progression, just because you are too lazy to do your fucking homework.
all the neighbor kids, they said it was haunted, that the devil lived there. they were enthusiastic about it. the older ones mostly... they encouraged us younger ones to believe it. we looked up to them. so of course, we didn't second guess them and what they taught. that would be social suicide.
with that in mind, i approached the house on a dare. i reached the porch and shook... looking back over my shoulder at my friends across the street. far, far away.
turning toward the house, i felt a chill. i pushed the doorbell and a thunderous sound rang out. i jumped! i ran!!! and ran and ran and ran!
"did you see it? did you see the devil????"
"yes, yes, i did see the devil" i replied.
without a second thought to my lie.
i let those crazy fucks -- who didn't know any better themselves -- convince me that a lie could be the truth, if everyone believed in that lie.
fuck that shit.
but goddamn it if katy perry ain't catchy and cute as fuck! believe me... i have TRIED to get this song outta my head, but it just leaves me feelin' so... so... buoyant!!!
go ahead. see if i'm wrong.
my friend recently reminded me of this natalie gem... a gem that still gets me all hot and bothered.
it amuses me anyway.
if we're going to "contemplate"... that means we're going to "think"... and if we're going to "think"... then our only logical conclusion upon thinking is that the idea of a tiny little wafer being the body of jesus fucking christ is absolutely fucking bat shit crazy.
so contemplate that, christians.
contemplate just how ridiculous that is.
and i ripped this pic off her site.
because i can. and because it's a bullet-train ticket to boner city.
there have been times where i wanted to eat pussy more than cum myself.
and i realize my expression might be a bit forward, but, a) i don't care b) when it comes to eating pussy, i can't be shy about how much i enjoy it; it's just not in me and c) i think it's important for women to realize that we men often enjoy it too... that it's not a burden. believe me.
it is not a burden.
also, i will never trust a woman who doesn't love being eaten out. that's just a code i live by.
Now's the time. Challenge yourself. Chuck and I aren't the only people who are passionate about this; and hopefully you'll soon join the fun. To kick start your movement and get you motivated, watch "Food Inc.". It's on Netflix. It's a perfect start. Then if you have time, watch "King Corn". Read any of the Michael Pollan books. Or "Fast Food Nation". You don't have to do them all at once, but gradually, once you start educating yourself on how your body, health and food work, you'll want to know more.
The first thing I did was go through my kitchen and start reading labels. Anything with "high fructose corn syrup" was no longer allowed in my home. Definitely not in my body. This was the most important step. And because of my runner's diet, I cut out all sugary sweets (cookies, donuts, cake, ice cream, candy). Every now and then I'll partake -- as a treat -- but very rarely and only in very small portions. I have found that my now healthy diet palate can't handle too much sweet anything anymore... and staying away from sweets is not difficult for me at all. I simply don't crave them.
But that's me and what works best for me. You'll find your niche. And, as promised last night, here are some of the basics I keep around the house that are not only healthy staples, but taste great too.
- - -
Bread (whole grain only) -- Stay away from anything that's labeled as "enriched", that's code for "bullshit"
Pasta (whole grain only)
Cous Cous (again, whole grain only)
Fresh Veggies (i.e. Broccoli, Cauliflower, Carrots, Mushrooms <--- can be eaten raw (dip in hummus for extra flavor) or stir fried in olive oil, steamed
Fresh Fruit (use fruit to quell sweet tooth; makes an excellent snack)
Greek Yogurt (high in protein, low in fat; I suggest buying the flavored kinds)
Trader Joe's Pasta Sauces (already made, ready to go, just heat and serve)
Black Beans (i prefer canned; goes well with any carb-based dish or meat)
Fish (fresh or canned... i like canned salmon cuz it tastes great and is so fucking good for you it's not even funny)
Lean Meats (Chicken, Turkey)
Peanut Butter (or almond butter) [The only ingredients in your peanut butter should be "peanuts" by the way]
Jam [read the labels... gotta be careful with these but Trader Joe's has excellent selection]
Drink wine (it's really good for you in moderation)
Bagels (whole grain)
Light Cream Cheese
Cereals (whole grain; I exclusively eat Kashi products; they're delicious)
I'm sure I'm missing something, but the above are basic for me. I like to get adventurous at times too.
- - -
Cooking... well, I'm not much of a cook. But, I am learning. And I'm getting better. I can make pasta and stir fry some veggies in olive oil, season, then add some premade sauce. Add some fresh bread and olive oil, perhaps some cheese and BAM! Awesome fucking meal on the cheap.
Also, remember that you can pretty much stir fry anything in olive oil and it will be delicious. Some nights I cook, but sometimes I'm a bit lazy and don't want to take the twenty minutes it takes, so I eat salad or a veggie plate with hummus and fruit or a pbj or whatever. Get creative. Explore new things. Get a simple cookbook. Test yourself. Challenge yourself. Why not? You might be surprised by how well you do!
- - -
When it comes to how you eat, my first-step bit of advice is to START EATING BREAKFAST. Don't skip this meal. Eat something. It will get you off on the right foot every day and keep your clock regular. If you live an active lifestyle (active meaning regularly exercising, working that heart rate), then you might want to consider eating snacks throughout the day. I eat a tiny snack right before running at around 6:30am, then eat full breakfast after my run around 8am, snack at 10:30 am, lunch at 1pm, snack at 3:30pm, dinner 6:00pm, snack 9:00pm. That's how I eat. That works best for my body. I eat appropriate portions. I don't get tired midday. I sleep great. Libido on full. I feel good in general because my body is always fueled properly. Keep in mind, I am running 5 days a week, burning anywhere from 400 to 1900 calories per workout, just running, so I need to eat a lot to keep my body going, to keep it fueled for the activities I put it through. You will find your balance once you find a routine.
The key is finding what works best for you. And like I said before, once you start living like this, you will feel the effects pretty quickly and most likely, won't want to go back. At least, that's how it worked for me.
J, my friend, please... don't ever hesitate to ask me questions about this stuff. Asking questions is what lead me to feel good again. I'm not a quack. I swear. I am serious about how much simply taking better care of my body and investing time/thought in my health has made me feel, regardless of the world around me. I've taken SRIs, I've seen shrinks, I've seen doctors. You know this. You know how down I've been... but nothing has ever come close to equaling the feeling I get from staying active and eating right. If only everyone in the world would live this way... I swear. It'd be an awesome place to live.
So, that's the manifesto.
I'm your friend. I got your back. Just do it.
and that's the end of my letter.
*note: this life transformation of mine has many people to thank. they all know who they are. and i am forever grateful.