Halle-fucking-lujah, kid

Inquiring minds wanna know

the world is full of shit that can get ya down (politics, religion, the kardashians)... but sometimes  we have to just be happy with what we have.

and today you can be happy that **THIS** exists.

ENJOY THE LAUGH ON ME YO!

!!!

Grocery shopping!!!

okay. that's it. i have to get one of these costumes. i'm tired of watching everybody else have all the fun.

An odd way around the language barrier

i am a fluent mandarin chinese speaker. it's one of the few identifying characteristics i have. so my coworkers often ask me to order lunch from chinatown... except, a couple of their favorite places are run by cantonese speakers who don't know a lick of mandarin so i am forced to communicate with them in english.

only, they can't understand my english... unless i speak it wiss a chinese assent.

you unnersan my meaning?

so, odd as it may look to my colleagues, there i go... regularly speaking with an offensive chinese assent so dey can unnersan i wanting chinese brocori... not so much having merican brocori.

Even more proof we think with our dicks

as soon as i snapped this pic from the menu, my buddy who was with me says, "jesus fucking christ, what are you, 13 years old?"

i just stared at him.

for an awkwardly long time.

until he said...

"shit, usually costs me at least dinner and drinks!"

'Sgetti tacos

don't laugh. growin' up i ate plenty of potato chip sandwiches... with ketchup. and my dad's specialty outside of frozen pizzas and mac-n-cheese happened to be fried bologna sandwiches.

yes. they were disgusting. but i ate them anyway, 'cuz i didn't wanna hurt my dad's feelings.

at least he tried, and there are plenty of people out there who would probably love to have a father who tried.

thanks, dad! next time you visit i'll make some 'sgetti tacos for ya!

(image via ihmp)

Now THAT'S some soup i can wrap my taste buds around!

(image via skull swap)

What the fuck, fellow humans?

ripped from the clearly dope site, i saw this and again, seriously had to question the sanity of my fellow man.

don't get me wrong, i'm a pizza-lovin' dude. in fact, though i maintain an extremely healthy diet, i do allow myself to pig out on pizza every now and then. like benji franklin said, "everything is good in moderation". right?

well, i'm sorry, but pizza and cookies... in the SAME FUCKING FROZEN BOX!?!?!?

nuh uh. that shit don't count. just 'cuz you can think it doesn't make it okay.

otherwise id' be doin' my darndest to get a three way with sarah palin and elizabeth hasselbeck.

A long, personal, fucking manifesto

a friend of mine saw a spark in my eye and asked me about it. i explained and he wanted to know more. so i wrote him a letter. a long, important letter. here is that letter, for what it's worth (hint: it's worth a fucking lot):

Dear J,

Now's the time. Challenge yourself. Chuck and I aren't the only people who are passionate about this; and hopefully you'll soon join the fun. To kick start your movement and get you motivated, watch "Food Inc.". It's on Netflix. It's a perfect start. Then if you have time, watch "King Corn". Read any of the Michael Pollan books. Or "Fast Food Nation". You don't have to do them all at once, but gradually, once you start educating yourself on how your body, health and food work, you'll want to know more.

The first thing I did was go through my kitchen and start reading labels. Anything with "high fructose corn syrup" was no longer allowed in my home. Definitely not in my body. This was the most important step. And because of my runner's diet, I cut out all sugary sweets (cookies, donuts, cake, ice cream, candy). Every now and then I'll partake -- as a treat -- but very rarely and only in very small portions. I have found that my now healthy diet palate can't handle too much sweet anything anymore... and staying away from sweets is not difficult for me at all. I simply don't crave them.

But that's me and what works best for me. You'll find your niche. And, as promised last night, here are some of the basics I keep around the house that are not only healthy staples, but taste great too.

- - -

Bread (whole grain only) -- Stay away from anything that's labeled as "enriched", that's code for "bullshit"

Pasta (whole grain only)

Cous Cous (again, whole grain only)

Fresh Veggies (i.e. Broccoli, Cauliflower, Carrots, Mushrooms <--- can be eaten raw (dip in hummus for extra flavor) or stir fried in olive oil, steamed

Fresh Fruit (use fruit to quell sweet tooth; makes an excellent snack)

Cheese

Olive Oil

Greek Yogurt (high in protein, low in fat; I suggest buying the flavored kinds)

Trader Joe's Pasta Sauces (already made, ready to go, just heat and serve)

Hummus

Black Beans (i prefer canned; goes well with any carb-based dish or meat)

Eggs

Fish (fresh or canned... i like canned salmon cuz it tastes great and is so fucking good for you it's not even funny)

Lean Meats (Chicken, Turkey)

Peanut Butter (or almond butter) [The only ingredients in your peanut butter should be "peanuts" by the way]

Jam [read the labels... gotta be careful with these but Trader Joe's has excellent selection]

Almonds

Fresh Greens

Drink wine (it's really good for you in moderation)

Bagels (whole grain)

Light Cream Cheese

Granola

Dried Fruits

Cereals (whole grain; I exclusively eat Kashi products; they're delicious)

Pita Chips

I'm sure I'm missing something, but the above are basic for me. I like to get adventurous at times too.

- - -

Cooking... well, I'm not much of a cook. But, I am learning. And I'm getting better. I can make pasta and stir fry some veggies in olive oil, season, then add some premade sauce. Add some fresh bread and olive oil, perhaps some cheese and BAM! Awesome fucking meal on the cheap.

Also, remember that you can pretty much stir fry anything in olive oil and it will be delicious.  Some nights I cook, but sometimes I'm a bit lazy and don't want to take the twenty minutes it takes, so I eat salad or a veggie plate with hummus and fruit or a pbj or whatever. Get creative. Explore new things. Get a simple cookbook. Test yourself. Challenge yourself. Why not? You might be surprised by how well you do!

- - -

When it comes to how you eat, my first-step bit of advice is to START EATING BREAKFAST. Don't skip this meal. Eat something. It will get you off on the right foot every day and keep your clock regular. If you live an active lifestyle (active meaning regularly exercising, working that heart rate), then you might want to consider eating snacks throughout the day.  I eat a tiny snack right before running at around 6:30am, then eat full breakfast after my run around 8am, snack at 10:30 am, lunch at 1pm, snack at 3:30pm, dinner 6:00pm, snack 9:00pm. That's how I eat. That works best for my body. I eat appropriate portions. I don't get tired midday. I sleep great. Libido on full. I feel good in general because my body is always fueled properly.  Keep in mind, I am running 5 days a week, burning anywhere from 400 to 1900 calories per workout, just running, so I need to eat a lot to keep my body going, to keep it fueled for the activities I put it through. You will find your balance once you find a routine.

The key is finding what works best for you. And like I said before, once you start living like this, you will feel the effects pretty quickly and most likely, won't want to go back. At least, that's how it worked for me.

J, my friend, please... don't ever hesitate to ask me questions about this stuff. Asking questions is what lead me to feel good again. I'm not a quack. I swear. I am serious about how much simply taking better care of my body and investing time/thought in my health has made me feel, regardless of the world around me. I've taken SRIs, I've seen shrinks, I've seen doctors. You know this. You know how down I've been... but nothing has ever come close to equaling the feeling I get from staying active and eating right. If only everyone in the world would live this way... I swear. It'd be an awesome place to live.

So, that's the manifesto.

I'm your friend. I got your back. Just do it.

and that's the end of my letter.

*note: this life transformation of mine has many people to thank. they all know who they are. and i am forever grateful.