Three cheers for shitfuck

when i get frustrated (or when i'm driving), my go-to exclamation usually goes something like "ahh fuck you, you fucking shitfuck!"

that's right.

shitfuck.

i say it all the time. i like it. i like the gnarlyness that ekes out when i utter its sound, and, like its ugly cousin "motherfucker", its literal connotation goes places i don't wanna go.

but no one else says "shitfuck". i've never heard anyone else use it. did i make it up?

i have no idea, but i'm gonna keep touting it's magical properties.

SHITFUCK!!!

Who is more delusional?

when it comes to the holy roller healers and the megachurch statesmen and the people they supposedly heal or help through the power of "god" and "jeebus" and all that jazz, who is more insane? the actual healer/statesman or the poor sap who goes along with the act?

i can't tell.

but there has to be some sort of mutual fucked-up-edness between them, right? like, they both know they're full of shit, but they go through the act of it all anyway, just because it feels good to be a part of a group, no matter how insane (i think???).

this woman featured in the video below supposedly can't talk until jeebus helps her unroll her tongue (around the 2:08 mark). then, the only thing that comes out is jibberish that xtrian folk like to call "speaking in tongues", as if their special god gave them the special gift to speak a special language that no one can fucking understand, special or not.

I won't treat you like a potato if you don't take away my beer

that way we can both be happy.

capice?

Elzzup siht tuo erugif uoy nac?

Words, words, words, FUCK YEAH!

for all you loggerheaded crook-pated nut-hooks out there, remember to look at the fawning fly-bitten miscreant next to you and call him a spleeny pottle-deep hugger-mugger!!!!

HOLLA!!!

An odd way around the language barrier

i am a fluent mandarin chinese speaker. it's one of the few identifying characteristics i have. so my coworkers often ask me to order lunch from chinatown... except, a couple of their favorite places are run by cantonese speakers who don't know a lick of mandarin so i am forced to communicate with them in english.

only, they can't understand my english... unless i speak it wiss a chinese assent.

you unnersan my meaning?

so, odd as it may look to my colleagues, there i go... regularly speaking with an offensive chinese assent so dey can unnersan i wanting chinese brocori... not so much having merican brocori.

Thesauric confusicated chaotivity

when i was in the 8th grade, i made the mistake of overusing the thesaurus to the point where my teacher called me up in front of the class and asked me to read my paper out loud to everyone. i did, but it was embarrassing. it didn't make any sense, no one knew what i was saying (including me) and there was a lot of misfit laughter involved.

luckily, my teacher gave me a second chance rather than an "F".

i became a writer on that day.

will never forget it.

(image via smbc)

My own ritter sirry engrish regret

had i ever thought there might be money to make by taking pictures of all the ridiculous fucking engrish signs found throughout china and the rest of asia, i'd be a rich muthafucka right now.

of course, i just chuckled and moved on.

what a fucking waste.

Idolfied

we had just begun on an otherwise boring five hour long drive when my 19 year old sister brought up the topic of religion.

hm.

most of my family knows my stance on religion (read delusionoidism) and they all know that it's best not to argue with me. in fact, we all pretty much agree to not talk about it, 'cuz many a "conversation" has ended with them crying and running away from me, angry that i would cut so deep with my words.

so i was surprised by this.

but i was even more surprised to find out she didn't really believe in any of that bullshit either.

i almost pissed my pants i was so happy.

and we had a five hour long discussion on everything in life -- where we were, what we did, where we are, what we're doing -- and she told me i was her idol. am her idol.

despite all the fucking dumb shit i've done in my life, all the mistakes, the fuck-ups, the stumbles and falls, she looks up to me.

wow.

Writing with a chinese accent

i so habbing a ritter trub-oh try talking wiss my own chiner assent. you what is my meaning?

but so many timing i not rike was happen. so den i tearing myserf is okay no probrem.

and den is rike i cannot having trub-oh stay talking you in engrish so is okay but  no one can knowing diss one.

i can tearing dem is forever twenty one.

All kinds of awful

this chinese guy, from china, has a lot of money, and a decent collection of ming and qing bronze incense burners, pretty good stuff.

publishes his collection.

like everyone else in china, refuses to get anyone who actually speaks english to review the english translations, and in the end we find ourselves with a great big giant fucking mess.

like this.

(click to enlarge)

must be all the fucking INCENTS.

The following is fucking real, dude

(click pic to enlarge)

Izem unnergan ya!

i saw this quite a while ago on one of those brainy nerd sites... then i got on with my life and did other stuff... forgot about it.

but then i ran across it again recently on the interwebs, and hot damn if this isn't an awesome little nug of creativity!

it's brilliant.

in case you don't read the vid liner notes, the lyrics to this song were written by an italian in a completely made-up gibberish language designed to sound like english.

in other words, this is what english sounds like to an italian.

i talk in gibberish all the time. gibberish german. gibberish french. gibberish japanese. i can fool many non-speakers into thinking i actually know the language. in fact, during my partying days, i convinced one of my two-week-fling gals into believing i spoke seven languages fluently!

for the record: i only speak two fluently, then i can get by in another.

This ain't no fucking moon... in french

i heard a comedian once say that you can say anything in french and it'll sound good, even if it's nasty... like j'ai eu à prendre une merde poo-poo... or something like that.

works for star wars as well.

this has extra umph because when i get an email via my droid phone obi wan says "that's no moon... it's a space station" and everyone around me stops, stares and worships me.

i dig it.

(seen this image all over the interwebs, so i don't know who to give credit to)

Kitchen turbo hood

i'm a big fan of engrish, so when i saw this on a door in my neighborhood (i rives wis many many chinese peeper, and they riking me because i can talking chinese ranguage) i just had to snap a pic... and share...

sound like a pretty good band name.

groove metal.

"Petriphulous"

sometimes my buddy (his name is Pie) and i get together, get fucked up and make up words. one of us writes the new word on a flashcard and the other writes the definition on the back.

another:

Petriphulous
-adjective
1. pertaining to things your dad 'doesn't get' or understand

Example:


i have more petriphulous hobbies than most people: fantasy baseball, fantasy football, fantasy breakfast.

"Trudget"

sometimes my buddy (his name is Pie) and i get together, get fucked up and make up words. one of us writes the new word on a flashcard and the other writes the definition on the back.

another one from the vault:

Trudget
-adjective, pronounced troo-JAY
1. relating to the 1940s
2. being a product of the 1940s


example:


mikey's dad is so trudget. every day he comes home from work at the plant, drinks busch beer and beats his wife after her tupperware party is over.

"Striptide"

sometimes my buddy (his name is Pie) and i get together, get fucked up and make up words. one of us writes the new word on a flashcard and the other writes the definition on the back.

here ya go:

Striptide
-noun
1. someone who has found Mr. Wonderful.

example:

ever since marcie met michael she has been such the typical office striptide, sometimes even bragging about it out loud. what a bitch.

"Dusken"

sometimes my buddy (his name is Pie) and i get together, get fucked up and make up words. one of us writes the new word on a flashcard and the other writes the definition on the back.

check it:

Dusken
-noun
1. the segment of time relegated to the moments beginning right after dusk, but before the witching hour.
2. one who is caught in a time portal during the segment of time relegated to the moments beginning right after dusk, but before the witching hour.
3. related species of the tusken.

example:

you kids better be home before dusken or i'll make sure your father gets drunk every night this week.

"Dracucore"

sometimes my buddy (his name is Pie) and i get together, get fucked up and make up words. one of us writes the new word on a flashcard and the other writes the definition on the back.

here's one:

Dracucore
-noun
1. a tyrant, oppressor.

example:

don't be such a dracucore and stop oppressing those villages with your raping and pillaging, dude.