Figured it out

other than the fact that i'm highly allergic, i think i figured out why i hate cats so much.

because i'm jealous.

Here kitty kitty

my distaste for the feline species culminates in this dramatic doll representation of my desires

(image via skull swap)

Maybe there is hope for cats... then again, probably not

time again to remind everyone how much i hate cats.

i was at my sister's recently and her cat was being all weird with me. he likes to come up and rub against my leg, which would be fine and all if my leg then didn't immediately break out into a bazillion little red hives that itch like a motherfucker. i take allergy meds before i go and visit, but they only work so much before the cat dander finds its way deep inside my being.

when i was about five years old i figured out there wasn't a god, or at least, if there were, he was an asshole god. why would he make something so cute and cuddly make me so miserable?

never got an answer on that one.

not like i'm holding my breath or anything.

Another cat in another box

pretty sure this is the second cat in a toy box i've posted. recently.

i think a whole blog could be devoted to cats in toy boxes.

that'd be awesome... like... a vanessa hudgens lookalike fuck buddy.

(image via skull swap)

Figured out why my FUCKING COMPUTER WON'T WORK

damn those feline bastards. damn them straight to hell!

*of course, i'm referencing the proverbial hell. anyone with a working brain knows that "hell" is just a silly little make-believe land that delusionoids like to use to scare dumb people into following their slow, idiotic and anti-progressive ways*

(image via skull swap)

I'd pay good money for this...

... so i could do to it what i used to do to a lot of my star wars guys when i was a kid:

douse them with aquanet and light 'em on fire!

okay, so i wouldn't light a live cat on fire (though it's well known that i do despise felines)... but i would have a rip-roarin' time coming up with fun jabba-the-hut scenarios where cat is probably on the menu!

hot dog!

(image via skull swap)

rock and a hard place

you know me. i fucking hate cats. i hate them so much.

but i can't hold back my smiley laughter after seein' the above.

sometimes i wonder... do people stage these internet memey pics?

i'd be a real fucking idiot to think they're all genuine... but shit, this one looks legit as hell. i mean, how ya get a fucking idiot cat to do... well, anything, on command?

(image via skull swap)

Ok, this one time i'm cool with this cat...

... it has style. and i like that.

Cat cock

for some reason i want there to be a band named "cat cock".

those are two things i would most dislike in my face: a cat. and a cock.

keep those away from me.

cat cock.

(image via skull swap)

The combined powers of these two evils is staggering

to reiterate, for anyone unawares, the two things in the entire known universe that bring me more disgust and despair than anything else are: cats and religion.

they both undermine the potential of the human species.

they both cause pain and suffering.

they both make me go on unfiltered rants of rage... so you can imagine my horror as i contemplate the possibilities depicted in this image:

redrum, redrum, redrum!

Schrodinger's prophet

oh, those crazy fuckin' brits are up to it again. this time they got me in stitches!

i studied the schrodinger's cat theory when i was in high school and thought i was pretty hot shit.

and now, more than a decade later, being such hot shit pays off... 'cuz i get this joke.

and i love it.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

What's it doing?

reading sky god...

plotting my death...

causing my skin to crawl...

sorry, kitty, but ya can't kill what ya can't catch!

(image via 9GAG)

Perception is a bitch

to-MAY-to, to-MAH-to, bla bla bla...

most people find cats adorable. i find them despicable: cute little agents of chaos who will burn you when ya ain't lookin' (or in my case, while you're lookin' right at 'em). just look at this cat. it most definitely harbors some hidden agenda. being this close to the remote control is not natural.

of course, i realize i am in the minority here -- that i'll never break the 'cats are cute' status quo. but that doesn't mean i have to join the masses. in fact, it means i have to work harder to shift the balance.

did i mention i am highly allergic to them?

look, it's hard for me to argue against the fact that cats are cute. they are. some hookers are cute too; but i know if i sleep with one i might come out burned.

with cats, i KNOW i'll come out burned... suffering along with great big welts, hives... watery, itchy eyes... and the intolerable feeling that an army of fire ants are digging through every single pore of my skin.

damn you kitties!!!

(this feline comes via greta)

We are making progress, people

"what... is the penalty... for apostasy?!?"
(via the friendly atheist)

Once you'll see this you'll never be the same

i am sorry. i am so, so sorry.

Just the thought of this being a reality makes me want to gut-fist myself while wearing a needle-studded glove made out of burning toxic brine

Nooooooooooooo!

WHY DO CATS RUIN FUCKING EVERYTHING!?!

Jesus cat is just as reasonable as jesus christ, or mohammed or whatevs

so true in fact this cat was born of a virgin cat in a cave around the winter solstice and before he was born this big ass star in the sky heralded his birth and all these kings and sheperds gave him catnip and scratching posts and then he disappeared for thirty years then came back and no one asked where the fuck he'd been cuz he supposedly started walking on water and shit and then all these other cats started following him around and then the dogs found out about it and were pissed and convinced some of the cats he should be dealt with and they agreed so they killed this king of the cats on a cross then the cat came back three days later and everyone shit themselves and then he went back up into the sky to be with sky god cat and then everyone forgot about it all together until some idiot cat named saul cat changed his name to paul cat cuz sky god cat talked to him and then he told everyone about how awesome this jesus cat was and then a whole bunch of contradicting stories were written down by mark cat matthew cat luke cat and john cat and they were all very similar to the hero stories of the frogs and rats and dogs and cows

and bats and a bazillion others but no reasonable person was allowed to question the bogus nature of this jesus cat so we're just kinda waitin' around for the jesus cats and muslim cats who are a whole other story to blow each other up with cat bombs and shit

like

that

Filthy cat porn

i fucking hate cats.

they make me itch, they make me sneeze, they make me suffer.

and they always look like they're plotting my death.

so i'm doing what i can to ruin their image. look! look at these dirty sinful fucking cats fucking!

ain't so cute now, are they?!? haha! take that you fucking pussies!