Scurry memories

i saw this pic of the pet sematary kid, lil boy gage, over on ihmp and i immediately got goosebumps... like in that scary somebody's watching me sorta way.

i got goosebumps cuz this movie scared the bejeebusy SHIT outta me when i was a kid. remembering the collective trauma experienced by my sisters and i after watching it, i recently tried watching it again, to see if i could relive that fear factor moment.

the movie was so bad it was unwatchable.

nowadays, it's very hard to scare me, which sucks, 'cuz i used to LOOOOOOOVE horror movies. but, for the most part, i simply can't sit through them anymore because they're not scary anymore.

where's hollywood when you really fucking need 'em?

Things carl sagan said...

"It is far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring."

More on the void

don't know why it took me so long, but i finally got around to watching the critically acclaimed docudrama touching the void.

every human being needs to watch this fucking movie.

seriously.

if you have netflix, you can watch it instantly.

for me, this film hits on a subject that i've been delving deeper and deeper into the last few months. it's a tale of endurance, of pain, of suffering, of enlightenment, of finding out who you really fucking are -- inside and out.

those are all characteristics that most people have totally lost touch with. we aren't in tune with our bodies anymore. we're weak. we can't survive without our things, our toys, our technocracy.

having experienced this event through the words of the survivors, i feel a certain privilege... that i have more philosophical and physical fuel to charge my next adventure. and as my appetite for discovering who i really am increases, so too do the tests of my body swell.

7 time western states 100 winner and ultramarathon messiah, scott jurek, once said, "running is a vehicle for self-discovery."

indeed it is.

in fact, any physical challenge or test of endurance or cradling of lady death herself... any of these things will reveal one's true self.

and that's something that is lost on today's masses.

a fucking shame.

The worst part about being alone...

...is not havin' that perfect person to share excitement with at four in the morning, or talk to about that argument i got into with my sister, or embrace in that warm moment of complete understanding... of why the fuck i'm even here in the first place.

Avoid the tailspin

i think about my grandma. every single day.

she's been dead for six years now; and not one fucking day goes by where i don't think about her. not one.

she was my biggest fan. my strongest supporter. my best friend.

and when she died, i was so hurt -- so damaged by the loss -- that i went into a self-destructive tailspin that stole away two and half fucking years of my life.

two and a half fucking entire years.

forgiving myself took almost as long.

i used to sit there, wasting away...

no one ever taught me about loss. no one prepared me for it.

for people who aren't ready, that shit can do some real damage real quick.

i can see how people find comfort in jesus and buddha and the whole gang. if you think your dead grandma is at a party in the sky with muhammad and jeebus, i can see how handling the death might be easier.

but i -- we -- know better. we know that all we can prove is that when you die, you're fucking dead -- erased from this existence. forever. for good.

done.

once something you hold close is lost, that something is fucking gone.

and you better handle your shit.

420

(via hwcbn)

Black void

when i was a kid, nothing mortified me more than the idea of nothingness.

of a black void.

especially at night.

it was bad. right before i'd drift off into sleep i'd come to grips with the idea that life isn't forever and eventually i'll end up a helpless soul floating in the darkness that is non-life. or worse, that there was no such thing as a soul, that once i was dead, so too was everything i associate with life.

i'd get so scared of that i'd cry myself to sleep sometimes.

to me, fear was nothingness. death. other. that which i cannot explain. that which i did not know. the concept scared me more than anything i could imagine.

and now i embrace that shit.

'cuz i fucking love surprises!