What would jeebus do

my favorite fucking brits recently had an image challenge entitled "what would jesus do", which required participants to submit images of jeebus doing things as he would today, facing contemporary problems and scenarios. i'm going to share some of my favorites this week, with minimal commentary. they are just too funny.

before i let 'er rip though, let's really think about the inherent problems of christianity's slogan "what would jesus do".

if we are to actually do what jesus would do, assuming we know what he would do, based on the hypocrisies of the historically troubled and fact-bending bible, then essentially we are losing that free will that god (or jeebus or the holy ghost or whatever make-believe of the day) has "gifted" us with. if it's just about doing what god/jeebus/holy ghost would have us do then why give humans free will in the first place? and if god knows everything and is perfect and all that shit then why the fuck was he so stupid to introduce pain and suffering and hate and murder into a world that was supposedly perfect prior? to teach us a lesson? if he knew what stupidity would come at the hands of human thought and free will, then why did he not foresee this troubling paradox and just nip it in the fucking bud when he could?

answer: because it's all made up shizz from old fucks who thought the world was flat and that monsters lived in the ocean.

moving on... this:

(image via b3ta)

A great interview with my favorite dick

when it comes to great minds of now, i can't imagine a list that didn't include richard dawkins. the new york times ran this great piece on him recently and i encourage you to read it. (read his books too, they're fascinatingly badass)

here are a few quotes from the article that stand out to me:

“Religion teaches you to be satisfied with nonanswers. It’s a sort of crime against childhood.”

“I’ve had perfectly wonderful conversations with Anglican bishops, and I rather suspect if you asked in a candid moment, they’d say they don’t believe in the virgin birth. But for every one of them, four others would tell a child she’ll rot in hell for doubting.”

“If you look up at the Milky Way through the eyes of Carl Sagan, you get a feeling in your chest of something greater than yourself. And it is. But it’s not supernatural.”

boo yah.

Appy-polly-loggies!!!

if i had kids i'd be doin' shit like this all the time.

right now i'm plotting to dress my uber christian delusionoid sister's kids up like carl sagan and richard dawkins next time they come visit.

don't judge me, you heathens. you'd do the same.

INFIDELS UNITE!

(image via ihmp)

It's all about geography, man

Sky God!'s resident liberty guru, kent mcmanigal, recently brought up something that my favorite dick has hammered home quite frequently, but one that never ceases to baffle the non-delusionoid sector (read: sane people), and that is:

when ya really narrow shit down, being a delusionoid is mostly about where you are fucking born, and you have no fucking control over where the fuck you are born.

born in iran? you probably love allah.

born in dubuque, iowa? you probably love jeebus.

born in tel aviv... or brooklyn? you probably love yahweh, or the beastie boys.

whatevs.

the next time someone tries to throw that holier-than-thou fairytale bullshit in yer face, remind them that the main reason they believe what they believe is based on geography, and nothing else.

seems like god would have to be a pretty devious muthafucka to doom one delusionoid to living in a medinah slum and another to getting fondled by father moynahan in a nantucket parish.

but what the fuck do i know? i don't believe in that shit.

Happy 25th of december

classic

More pressure from familial delusionoids

family is supposed to love you. no matter what. unconditionally. right?

right.

unless you're a fucking christian crazyface, like most of my family.

they prefer to judge, to ridicule, to gossip, to pressure, to... threaten...

in fact, what was an otherwise miraculously pleasant birthday party for my 8 year old nephew at a skating rink this past summer became an all-out war for my soul once a couple of my elders cornered me like the inquisition, asking me why i wouldn't take jesus as my lord and savior.

"because it's a fucking scam. a ludicrous, asinine, scam."

okay, i didn't say "fucking", but i should have.

anyway, based on the sheer tone and displeasure in my speech, i walked away from that discussion satisfied and confident that they would never bother me about it again.

wrong.

now i'm getting jesus cards and sermons burned to cd and bibles and shit sent to my house. all of it... goes in the trash.

why can't they just leave me the fuck alone? why? WHY? WHY!?!?!??!

i don't corner you fucking idiots at family functions or clog up the mail by sending you the works of dawkins, hitchens and harris ad nauseum!!!!

and ya wanna know why i don't? because i respect you and your human right to be left the fuck alone, to do whatever you want, without some outside person imposing his agenda on you, just because he wants to.

get. over. your fucking selves. and just love me for who i am: an angry (yet charismatic and sometimes charming) non-believer who's been around the fucking block and cusses too much.

fuck.

We can't help that we're smarter than you

one of the problems i face throughout my unfettered campaign to educate the masses on what is and isn't logical in terms of religion (read: religion is not logical, at all) is that i come across as "mean"... as a "bully"... that i'm "arrogant" and i don't "respect" the values and belief systems of others.

if i walked into a room full of math scholars and told them that 100 divided by 10 is actually 5, not 10 like they think it is, they would all laugh at me. i could then plead my correctness by saying the answer is 5, because i have faith that it is, despite my inability to prove my theory.

still, they would laugh at me. as they should.

because such behavior is idiotic.

we wouldn't allow such foolery to exist in other discourses, like topography, medicine, geology... but for some reason we have to allow it in religion because it wouldn't be polite otherwise.

FUCK... THAT... SHIT.

i'm arrogant? i'm being mean? i'm a bully?

sorry, but i don't recall ever killing someone over something as stupid and unfounded as religion. i also don't recall ever demanding others respect my belief in fairy tales, or hijacking intelligent conversation with bronze age stories of talking snakes and authoritative bushes.

give me.

a fucking.

break.

A muslim, a christian and a jew walk into a bar...

i find few things funnier than muslims, jews and christians working together, on anything. 'cuz no matter how much cooperation there may be between the sides (i think it's safe to say there's less cooperation than there is hostility), in the end, they can't all be right.

so someone's gotta be wrong. yes?

HINT: they're ALL fucking wrong.

if you haven't ever seen the big debate episode where richard dawkins tangos with muslims, jews AND christians all at the same time, then you should check it out, starting with part one. i've posted a clip from that episode before... y'know, the one where dick calls out the muslims on that tiny inconvenient truth that the penalty for apostasy in islam is TO BE FUCKING MURDERED.

if you enjoyed that, you'll enjoy the whole show.

Watch this if you wanna smile

this vid features two of my all-time favorite scientists/humans: richard 'that dick' dawkins and neil degrasse tyson... as well as one of my favorite words, which starts with an "f" and ends with an "uck".

Please, hurry up and arrest his ass!

my favorite dick (richard dawkins) is teamin' up with christopher hitchens to get the pope arrested or crimes against humanity during his upcoming trip to the united kingdom.

that sounds awesome.

except for the fact that it is a pipe dream.

oh, believe me, if we could get this baby-rapin'-allowin' creep-ball outta of the limelight and convince people that he's not supernatural, that he's not the voice/hand of god, that he's no different than you and i in that he shouldn't be dictating the lives of the masses... i would be all for it.

but we live in a fucked up world:

and as the above chart clearly shows...we're all fucked.

Let us not sugarcoat it...

...because it won't get through that way.

we have to be blunt. we have to be straightforward. we have to be as relentless in our quest for the truth as the sky daddy followers are delusional in their claims.

there's no easy way to say it, but it must be said:



sorry, mom. but you know just as well as i do, the human mind is highly susceptible to hallucination.

and you're fucking hallucinating.

We are making progress, people

"what... is the penalty... for apostasy?!?"
(via the friendly atheist)

Here's that dick I was tellin' ya about

[click *here* for his website]

If I could just get every idiot sky god zealot to read this book...

...the world would be such a better place...
...and i wouldn't have so many headaches...
...or haters...
you can buy it HERE