If ya were lookin' for the most embarrassing ride ever...

...well, here 'tis:

what a fucking joke.

i like how christians (and religious folks in general) consider themselves to be ego-less -- people who don't seek attention... the meek.

meek my fucking ass.

this proves just how self-centered and ego-driven most christians are...

oh yeah... cuz in all the entire fucking universe of billions and billions and billions of fucking stars the only thing that is important is that I...I MEAN ME ME ME ME ME ME ME get to go to HEAVEN and have EVERYTHING i want cuz I'M IMPORTANT!!!!

go fucking bang your head on a hymnal for a couple hours will ya.

jesus.

(image via WSTDLLRI)

Draw the rest of the fucking owl!!!

i used to draw a lot. as a kid.

then i lost touch with it.

then found it again.

then lost it.

and i haven't found it again... yet.

in other words, this pastime of mine, unlike any of the others, is a hit and run pastime. and i never know when it's gonna strike.

but i have a feeling that it will soon. maybe this will get me to laugh my way back into it.

(image via skull swap)

Beyonce can be a bitch all she wants, I don't care

i know she has the reputation of being a diva.

but the world needs divas... not a lot of them, but some.

j-lo. madonna. beyonce.

they're allowed.

but beyonce especially. she's beautiful. she's a leader. she's got killer chords.

AND she sings in spanish.

SPANISH!

now, if only we could get her to ditch the invisible sky daddy routine for the likes of logic and reason...

I've seen that for real

all the time.

it's a chinese thing.

me and my buddy (a fellow american in fact) tried to both ride on the same bike. i pedaled from the seat and he sat on the storage space above the back tire.

we were an awful mess.

i never worked so hard for so little in my whole life.

but the chinese make it look easy.

(image via ihmp)

We can't help that we're smarter than you

one of the problems i face throughout my unfettered campaign to educate the masses on what is and isn't logical in terms of religion (read: religion is not logical, at all) is that i come across as "mean"... as a "bully"... that i'm "arrogant" and i don't "respect" the values and belief systems of others.

if i walked into a room full of math scholars and told them that 100 divided by 10 is actually 5, not 10 like they think it is, they would all laugh at me. i could then plead my correctness by saying the answer is 5, because i have faith that it is, despite my inability to prove my theory.

still, they would laugh at me. as they should.

because such behavior is idiotic.

we wouldn't allow such foolery to exist in other discourses, like topography, medicine, geology... but for some reason we have to allow it in religion because it wouldn't be polite otherwise.

FUCK... THAT... SHIT.

i'm arrogant? i'm being mean? i'm a bully?

sorry, but i don't recall ever killing someone over something as stupid and unfounded as religion. i also don't recall ever demanding others respect my belief in fairy tales, or hijacking intelligent conversation with bronze age stories of talking snakes and authoritative bushes.

give me.

a fucking.

break.

Va-va-va-jay-jay

when i was a sophomore in college, my buddy and i were studying in a library room late at night and out of boredom i got up and wrote across the chalkboard in great big block letters:

"VUH JAY JAY IS GOOD"

we both looked at it and laughed.

then he erased the "VUH" with his hand and wrote "VA".

apparently i had written va jay jay wrong.

but seeing how ours was a collaboration, i then took the chalk from him, erased one of the "O"s, stepped back and we both took in our collective brilliance:

"VA JAY JAY IS GOD"

that was 1998.

nothing's changed.

(thanks to C for the pic)

"Panties"

lots of people hate that word.

i don't mind it. i mean, i don't mind the way it sounds... but i don't like how it sounds when it comes out of my mouth.

i can't think of any other word that i can say the same for.

panties.

This is the one i saw...

...which is why no one understood when i said:

my favorite part is when harry bites off
phineas nigellus black's ballsack and shoves it down his throat.

(more cool stuff from these folks)

I say "pussy", you say "box"

this is the sorta shit i have to deal with.

every.

single.

day.

you'd think mr. chinese guy would listen to what the fuck i have to say when it comes to translating shit into english. you know, my first language IS english after all. such stubborn quibbles lead to bouts of embarrassment.

why be so fucking bullheaded about it?

or did you really mean to publish a book on chinese vaginas?

i'd buy that. hell, i could probably even be an expert on the subject. just let me have editorial power when it comes to the english shit.

Why the fuck not the smurfs?

they have a central, fatherly, god-like leader in papa smurf.

they're fucking blue.

and they got one chick to bang the entire species.

what the fuck is the difference between the fantasy of that and the fantasy of a talking snake, a virgin birth and a dead guy coming back to life after being dead for three days?!?!??!????!!!!!

do either of those scenarios sound even halfway sane?

of course not.

(image via ihmp)