Can't touch this?

i'm a weirdo. on many levels.

sometimes i don't even realize how much of a weirdo i am until something alarming happens because of my weirdness.

i have "space" issues. i don't like being touched, especially by strangers, but even by friends and family. without going into a heavy does of psychoanalysis, i am aware of this issue and where it comes from but i've never thought it necessary to do anything about it. i don't like being touched. don't touch me, and all is good.

but most people won't let this be. they try to talk me into being okay with it. I'M NOT OKAY WITH IT. do i need any more of a reason? do i have to defend myself every fucking time someone wants to hug me for more than 2 seconds? this is MY space, isn't it?

oddly, my distaste for being touched has always been tempered by my ability to touch and be touched -- in moderation -- within a relationship. sexy time seems to trump my uncomfortableness with being touched. with girlfriends/lovers i've never had a problem with intimacy, as long as it's been in context (sneak up on me and touch me and there might be problems though).

it's been well over a year since i've been in a relationship, and i don't get touched very often otherwise, so nowadays when people do touch me -- whether by accident or on purpose -- it freaks me the fuck out.

i just don't like it. even hugging family members has become an issue lately. i can't go for the big hug. i'm not a hugger. i feel uncomfortable after a few short seconds and pulling away happens instinctively, and that became apparent after the holiday, when folks kept wanting to hug me and i surely offended them by pulling away too quickly.

i wish i could break myself of this issue, but i don't know how. i can't help that space invasion causes me to freak out and i don't want to have to explain myself for now and forever when such instances occur.

maybe i should just wear a sign around my neck.